January 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
..who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.
..who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, or in taking care of her family, but who is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.
..who does not allow herself to be taken for granted, to be sworn at, to be victimized by anyone, not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or parents.
..who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation and whose relationships are therefore pure and open.
..who is able to articulate her deepest dreams, desires, and fears to those whom she loves, without fearing a response of indifference or rejection.
..who, in the midst of the pressures of work, motherhood and marriage, maintains her unique and powerful voice.
Posted in Attraction, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am a single mother of two (23 and 21). They are good kids but my problem is that I cannot get them to help around the house and they are unmotivated to get ahead in life. They are both in very causal jobs. I have paid for them both to do correspondence studies but cannot get them to study. My son works in a video shop. He ends up in the bar after work until all hours of the morning. My daughter barely leaves the house but to go to work. When I try and communicate they will not talk. What can I do?”
You are working too hard. It appears you are more committed to their futures than your adult children are.
Unless there are substantial unstated mental health issues, I’d suggest you give them a week or two to make substantial changes to their attitudes and level of productivity – or ship them out.
In the long term, I think it better that you clear your comfortable nest of lazy adults who will not contribute to its costs and care. As tough as it sounds – let them live lazy lives elsewhere.
They will thank you when they grow up.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Parenting is no cakewalk. My children (8 and 4) are at an age where it seems everything is a battle of wills. If they are not fighting with each other over who is sitting in whose space at the table, or fighting over one toy that neither has noticed for months until the other happens to casually pick it up, they are debating me over the necessity of cleaning their teeth or picking up clothes.
But these are the passing phases on their unique journeys toward necessary self-definition – and it is my continual challenge to see the larger picture.
I am challenged, on a daily basis, to speak well of others, to be honorable to my word (as far as it is possible) and to guard the words that come out of my mouth.
Clearly, as the primary adult in their lives, I am called upon to show them how adults ought to behave, how adults ought to resolve conflict, be forgiving, be kind and generous.
Fighting over a toy in the back of the car, will, I hope, give them fond memories of these formative years. Watching me face the daily grind of living an adult life, will, I hope, impart to them invaluable tools for successful futures.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting |
2 Comments »
January 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Jack, who has never married, is dating Jill, someone who almost ten years his senior and twice divorced. Jill has three teenage children, who live with their father, but whom she sees often, yet unpredictably. Jack has no children but finds Jill’s children to be intelligent but headstrong. Jill’s in excessive debt. Jack is very solvent. Jill drinks a little too much, which Jack finds disarming. Jill is somewhat hard when she expressing herself, sounding cynical about marriage and love. Jack interprets this as her being neither hard, nor bitter, but hurt and insightful. When Jack’s family point out the very stark contrasts between their lives, and caution him about this relationship, he becomes defensive and claims the cliché “opposites attract.”
Jack and Jill appear blinded by love and deaf to reason. While this relationship may be a relationship made in heaven, their blindness to the stark contrasts between their lives as potential for minefields of problems, makes them each sitting targets for many difficulties. The blindness of their love drains all perspective, and neither is compelled to do what is required to love first him or herself more fully, in order that each can love the other in a manner that serves them both well.
Posted in Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Triggers, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
The volume of letters I get from men and women who are in very toxic, even dangerous relationships, surprises me. Some have written that they have had to create the email account specifically for the one letter alone, and then had to delete the account, lest the one with whom they are in a “loving relationship” find the account and demand to read the email!
It makes me wonder just how much love exists between people when it appears their behavior has to be so covert, where games and hide and seek are necessary over something as normal as writing an Email in search of guidance.
There are several over-riding themes that are quite easy to identify from these many letters. I have not been gender specific as both men and women falling into these familiar traps. I will say more about each of them in a few days:
1. Loving too much. (It is possible to love so blindly that the love ceases to be love).
2. Forgiving where there is no effort to change. (Some forgiveness has to be conditional).
3. Remaining blind to the repeated faults of others. (Some faults in others must be eradicated if a relationship is to survive).
4. Continually excusing the inexcusable. (Somethings, like violence and abuse, must not be tolerated at all).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
Posted in Attraction, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Listening, Love |
2 Comments »
January 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend of 8 months and I are very much in love. He speaks of marriage. I can only assume that we will head that way in the near future. When we met he was still legally married although living apart from his wife. Despite some hesitation I went forward with my relationship trusting divorce was what he wanted. The divorce is now almost final. They have a three-year-old daughter and we have grown very close. I love her. She is so sweet and loving. My boyfriend says she asks for me. I have felt it would be appropriate for me to meet the mother because I am around her daughter so much which I assume will continue. I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was hesitant and I let it go. My boyfriend says “she is not the nicest person” and “you’ll meet her when the time is right!? Am I wrong?” (Letter edited – all posts are “cut” to about 200 words)
It is appropriate, and essential, that you meet the child’s mother since you (I assume) will co-parent the child. But methinks you are assuming too much (regarding his desire to marry you). Your future is far too valuable to be left to hopes and assumptions.
Posted in Children, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Voice |
5 Comments »
January 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
Thanks to my patient, and kind readers who have tolerated my posting a little less often over the past few days.
I have not missed a newspaper deadline whlle being on a short vacation — but it was not always possible to post the column to the web – which I usually do only once the column has apppeared in hardcopy on newsstands.
My children and I spent a few wonderful days in Washington, D.C. (And I can always tell when they are pleased I am not speniding as much time writing as is normally required of me).
Thanks for being faithful readers of YOU AND ME.
Rod Smith
Posted in Uncategorized |
1 Comment »
January 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
When parents (married or single) are fulfilled, pursuing careers and interests they love, and are offering meaningful service to their community, it makes a remarkable difference to their children. Under these (admittedly) ideal conditions, childhood can be fully childhood. It can be carefree, safe, and free of the anxieties that come rushing into a child (which sometimes never abate) when a parent refuses to meet the adult demands of his or her role.
It is an overburdened child who must do all he or she can to keep mom sober or keep dad at work — who must do all he or she can to make mom or dad into an adult. It is the anxious child who must take on parental responsibilities, who must function on a parent’s behalf when the parent abdicates the role.
Childhood is appropriately prolonged (as opposed to inappropriately truncated) when mother or father takes adulthood with the dedication adulthood deserves.
When parents take full responsibility for themselves, dedicating themselves to exercising their skills and callings within their greater community, and pursuing and enjoying mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with other adults, childhood, for the children of such adults, can run it full span, and the children can be appropriately oblivious to the pressures of life in the adult world.
Posted in Children, Differentiation |
1 Comment »
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