September 23, 2008
by Rod Smith
My spouse has “checked out” of our marriage. What can I do? (Prevailing theme of three letters received in the past 24 hours)
1. Relax. While it might seem impossible, the first thing to do is live a “relaxed life.” Don’t go off in a flat spin of activity. Do not presume the breakdown is about anything you are doing or are not doing. Assuming blame will send you on a wild goose chase and you will only end up more exhausted than you probably already are.
2. Hold your tongue. It is in the early or the “desperate” phase, when it seems as if a relationship is failing, that impossible promises are made and many hurtful things are said.
3. Get some distance. Try to see “the whole” rather than spend your energies focusing only on what is painful. Acquiring some distance or gaining a new perspective might only be possible once you have vented everything you are thinking and feeling to a close and trusted friend. Do not be afraid to do this. A good friend will be willing to hear you out.
Of course there is so much more to say, but a good place to begin is with SLOWING down so you have time to THINK! Hurrying to “put things right” or to re-vitalize your relationship will prove to be most counter-productive in the long term.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Please tell me why my husband can’t talk to his parents even about the most little things like saying happy birthday to them or inviting them over for a meal. I have to do it all. I make all the plans for everything and he just fits in. I am so tired of being the center of all the plans for everyone and when things go wrong I am blamed when someone in the family could help. We have been married almost 20 years.” (Letter shortened)
I cannot tell you why your husband is the way he is, and I doubt it would be something he himself could articulate, even if he himself did know. In the unlikely event you did reach a convincing diagnosis about why he is the way he is I am not sure you’d have anything useful or helpful. [Gaining understanding or insight does not necessarily lead to change in behavior.]
What I do know is that while your husband has a spokesperson in his wife (and life) there is little reason for him to see the need to have a voice of his own. People tend to fall into roles that most suit them, and I doubt very much that you’d find it very easy if your husband did begin to direct the family traffic.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
When one writes an advice column it would be easy for readers to be under the illusion that I am on top of things. Of course this is not true. It would be no surprise to you (if you have lived a year or two!) to know that my life is often as much in disarray as yours probably is.
Today I feel scattered. Anxious. My one son (6) is not well. On top of that, I feel terrible for forgetting that he was the scheduled “star student” in his class at school yesterday. My son arrived at school without a poster reflecting his life and interests, or snacks for his class when all the other children, on their “star student of the day,” come to school with designer posters and personal caterers in tow! (I exaggerate, of course.)
Nathanael arrived at school with nothing because I didn’t read something he brought home. This gets to me. It really does. He wandered through to me in the middle of last night, and before I sent him back to bed, I hugged him again and I apologized for the tenth time about forgetting his big day. As sleepy as he was he voiced again his forgiveness. Thank God children are so resilient.
Posted in Children, Living together, Parenting/Children |
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September 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
You have frequently written that live-in boyfriends or girlfriends or even step-parents, ought to avoid disciplining the children of a significant other. I have never really believed you as it seems counter-cultural to think that one adult be left with the load of guiding and disciplining children when there is another in the house who may be able to help. Please clarify. (Question “lifted” from tone of a longer letter).
A blended family will tend to work better when respect or deference is given to primary and longer-standing relationships.
When an adult moves in with a mother or father who is already parenting children, and begins to exercise authority, while this might be a welcome relief and a great help to all involved, it is a disturbance (small or large) of a deeper and more fundamental invisible loyalty.
Someone in the original relationship will begin to resist the intrusion even if the intrusion is helpful and benign. This is one of many reasons even good and kind stepparents are often rejected.
[Of course, this is not the “whole truth” or even meant to suggest there are not many factors and variables that influence such relationships — it is merely one, partial view.]
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
1 Comment »
September 9, 2008
by Rod Smith
For three years my son (12) and I have been alone. Now his dad wants to start weekend visits again. He is a very nice man even though he has been unreliable in the past. This new thing about visiting comes because now my son is getting older. I don’t want him to let my son down and it just seems like we are in a pattern that he will now start to disrupt after all these years. My son is very excited to know his father wants to see him again. Please help. (Letter revised)
I suggest you support any attempt the father makes to be with his son. Be a consistent listening ear to your boy and help him to navigate his relationship with his father. If the dad becomes unreliable, then your son will quickly learn this about his father – and your son will learn to trust and love his father while keeping this in mind. No one is perfect, and your son will benefit from knowing his father despite his father’s imperfections.
Posted in Adolescence, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, Parenting/Children |
2 Comments »
September 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I’m looking for a perspective regarding a spouse who has been cheated on when family, friends, and coworkers were aware of the affair. I’d like to know if the cheated on spouse would have wanted to be told (or told sooner) about the affair. I read so much about people saying, ‘Do not tell the spouse.’ If I were being cheated on, I would want to know. When the spouse does find out about the affair and that other knew, he or she has to deal with the heartbreak of the affair and the betrayal of others. I just don’t grasp the majority’s mentality to turn their back on this situation. If the sin was embezzlement, the majority would say tell all. Why do the rules change when it comes to affairs?”
Call me...
is being cheated are all scary matters that are much easier to avoid than to face. Besides, seeing it occur to another, means I have to face its possibility of occurring in my own life! Denial of it occurring at all, or the avoiding its exposure to the victim, is much easier! Your observation goes to the heart of a profoundly difficult human issue. Cheating makes everyone uncomfortable, even those who observe it from some distance.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
August 31, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My wife of 7 years left me and our 3 children 4 months ago for a man she met on the Internet. She now lives abroad in his country with him. To be honest, at the time I was devastated and vowed to get her back, but now I’m starting to feel like he’s welcome to her. Any woman who can do that doesn’t deserve me, to be honest. Our marriage was good – I just didn’t pay her enough attention, which is what the other guy did. They started out as friends but he took advantage of her at a vulnerable time. Anyway, I wish them good luck with whatever happens. A person reaps what is sown and if you do end up losing everything then you only have yourself to blame.”
It appears you have found some resolve – but it is the children for whom I have most concern. I trust your ex-wife has, or will, find some manner of remaining in touch with the children.
“My husband left for work last Wednesday morning and never returned. I found him at his parent’s house. After talking with him he told me he hasn’t loved me for the last 3-years. Everything he told me, everything we based our marriage on, he said, was a lie. He was just trying to do the right thing and now realizes he can’t. We have two little boys and it breaks my heart to know they will grow up without him as a regular part of their lives. I still have hope for us as I still love him but I just don’t know what will happen. People keep telling me he is just going through something and will realize what he had after a while but I am not so sure. For now we will be friends. I will try to keep my head up and stay strong for my boys and we will have to see what the future holds.”
I’d be suggesting your husband move toward you and his children rather than away from his family – in order to find who he is and what he wants. The crucible of learning and growth exists within his already-established choices, not outside of those choices.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
August 27, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me two months ago that he was not in love with me anymore. I was shocked and didn’t see this coming at all. Well right now we’ve separated he is with his sister. We’ve never talked about divorce at all but he said is that it is over. He thinks the love for me will come back in time. Now I don’t know what to do. We have a 3-year-old child and I can see she knows something is wrong cause we are not living together. I love my husband. Will the separation bring us back together?”
Once the shock of his declaration and his move has eased and you are able to think clearly, the best course of action for you and for your daughter would be to shift your focus from his actions to yours. Together or apart, shifting into high-gear productivity on your part will be good for you and for your daughter. While you respond as a victim, you are giving him all the power and placing your destiny in his hands. Mourn for a few weeks or even for a month or two, then get to work at creating a great life with or without him.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
August 23, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Part of loving someone is actively taking steps to make him or her feel secure in you. I recall reaching a point in a relationship when my lady moved in that I told her to answer all of my phones. I wanted to empower her and bring her to the point where she felt secure in me. The home/cell would ring and I would tell her to answer it. She answered my phone for just a short while, then never bothered even asking again and has never asked about my calls since. That is one of the steps I took to make her secure. I invited her at any point in the day to show up or come with me regardless of where I was and she soon let that go too. I took active steps to make her feel secure. That’s what you do for someone you truly love. It’s called devotion and two people should expect that from each other. The stereotype, however, is that when a man is asking where a woman has been, he is being controlling, possessive, and even emotionally abusive. Both individuals in a committed relationship have the right to express those areas of insecurities in a civilized, cordial manner and to have the other person take it seriously.” (Edited)
[Inclusion does not mean agreement: Rod Smith]
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
August 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My step-son (12) knows that I have a pet peeve about manners at the dinner table and that includes no burping out aloud, other bodily noises, cracking his knuckles, placing his elbows on table. He will stare me down and do these things as if he is really trying to get a rise out of me. I have been trying to ignore him and I have been hoping that his father would do something about it but nothing is ever done. My fiancé says, ‘will the both of you knock it off, you are always nagging him.’” (Letter shortened)
The three of you have developed a dance routine that appears to work for everyone – but you. Stop dancing. The son knows the hierarchy, your fiancé knows all the moves, and you persist in playing into their hands.
Wise action on your part will have both males looking at each other in complete confusion. Make your moves playful, yet radical, at first, and then move onto actions resulting in greater gravity. You have played interference between and man and his son for too long and nothing will change until you stop.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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1. Relax. While it might seem impossible, the first thing to do is live a “relaxed life.” Don’t go off in a flat spin of activity. Do not presume the breakdown is about anything you are doing or are not doing. Assuming blame will send you on a wild goose chase and you will only end up more exhausted than you probably already are.
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