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Dad wants to start up visits again…

by Rod Smith

For three years my son (12) and I have been alone. Now his dad wants to start weekend visits again. He is a very nice man even though he has been unreliable in the past. This new thing about visiting comes because now my son is getting older. I don’t want him to let my son down and it just seems like we are in a pattern that he will now start to disrupt after all these years. My son is very excited to know his father wants to see him again. Please help. (Letter revised)

I suggest you support any attempt the father makes to be with his son. Be a consistent listening ear to your boy and help him to navigate his relationship with his father. If the dad becomes unreliable, then your son will quickly learn this about his father – and your son will learn to trust and love his father while keeping this in mind. No one is perfect, and your son will benefit from knowing his father despite his father’s imperfections.

Posted on September 9, 2008 at 8:12 pm in Adolescence, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, Parenting/Children   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

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2 Comments to “Dad wants to start up visits again…”

    
  1. Callan's avatar
    Callan
    September 9, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    I’d be inclined to think a twelve year old wont recognise unreliability in his dad, and instead see that something good that came into his life (his dads visits) has become uncertain.

    I would suggest, in advance of organising anything, asking the child what they want out of meeting dad? Ask what happens if after awhile dad doesn’t show all the time? Ask your son if he’ll feel sad, or how he will feel. Will he do anything about feeling that, or just keep feeling it? The important thing about this question is that it helps your son decide how he is going to feel in advance, when he has a clear mind. And he’s not actually saying how he’ll feel, he’s deciding how he’ll feel. That empowers him. Remain suggestive only during this time – too much pressure will destroy his personal empowerment. Gentle suggestions are usually okay – once someone gets empowered, they usually have the capacity to reject any gentle suggestion they don’t want.

    Once your son knows what he wants, then he’ll be in a position to get what he wants out of continued contact with his dad.

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  2. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    September 9, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    wonderful suggestion, Callan. Thanks for your contribution.

    Rod Smith

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