October 8, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am divorced with two children. In eleven days I will marry a man with two teenage daughters. My fiance, has a very good relationship with his ex-wife, so much so, that he goes over to her home and visits her and her daughters. He even goes over to her sister’s home to be with the family. This has caused some serious disagreements between us, because it appears like they are not really divorced. His reasoning is that he does this for the “girls” so that they are happy. I have an ex, but we have set boundaries on things of this nature. Do we hate each other? Absolutely not. We are very amicable. I’m have some serious doubts that I want to go any further. Please comment.” (Letter shortened)
I’d suggest your future is sufficiently valuable to postpone your wedding until these and other underlying matters are addressed. Your actions will be unpopular, but the response of your fiance and his family to your suggestion that you place the wedding on hold will tell you volumes about how you will be treated in the future. If it is a good match, you will be offered a world of understanding. If you are treated with contempt – well, then you know you’ve made the right choice.
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October 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
My family has constant struggles and I am always trying to define myself and things seem better for a while and then I slip back into old patterns. Are there books you’d suggest everyone read to get a handle on living well?
Regarding your observations within your family – my experience is exactly like yours. I too slip back into former patterns. Then, once I notice it is occurring, I re-group, and try again! Such is the nature of growth and change. Embrace it.
What to read? I’d suggest Harriet Lerner’s books for men and women, even though the books are specifically written for women. I call the books the “Dance” series for each book has the word “dance” in the title. For the more committed student of families and family process I’d highly recommend Rabbi Friedman’s Generation to Generation. Then, for persons challenged by the often-messy dynamics of intimate relationships, I’d suggest either The Sexual Crucible or Passionate Marriage, both are by David Schnarch. Perhaps the most challenging book I have read in the past few years, and it is particularly geared to leaders, is Rabbi Friedman’s Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of a Quick Fix.
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October 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am 12. I have been a friend to a boy who is now getting on my nerves. He always sits next to me. He always begins the day with ‘Did you hear…’ and it’s about an embarrassing fact about someone. He usually asks me what we have next as if I am his personal assistant. I tell him that he should know his own timetable and then, like clockwork, he comes back to me at the end of the next period and asks me ‘What do we have?’ My teacher used me an example of good behavior. I know that being good is never something to be ashamed of, but I am honestly going to blow up soon. I feel very bad (obligated). I know that I am one of the only people who listens to him, but I am getting annoyed.” (Minimally edited)
Feeling overcrowded is seldom comfortable. Your response to this uncomfortable situation is appropriate. Address him directly. I’d suggest a third party facilitate this difficult conversation if he were older than you are. Tell him, as strongly as possible, that you will be choosing to establish some distance from him – while also remaining one of his friends. Both of you stand to learn important life lessons as you succeed in defining yourself to your friend. Learn it now, it will serve you well forever.
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October 3, 2008
by Rod Smith
Yesterday my daughter and I left school at about 3:50pm to buy flowers for grandmother. We came home to our house at about 4:30 to see 5 police cars, lights flashing, and an ambulance, lights flashing, right outside our house. Crime scene tape was stretched all across our driveway. I parked the car at the neighbor’s house and went over to the many policemen. I asked what was going on, and one policeman replied, “Ma’am, we don’t know yet.” I then asked if everyone was all right, which received a stare in return.
“Ma’am, you will need to wait for the homicide detective to answer some questions.”
We are having a bathroom redone and it took several hours to uncover that the plumber had finished working at our house, locked the door, carried his tools to his truck and had a major heart attack and died — at 41.
Finally by 7:00 p.m. the coroner had determined death by heart failure and the body was taken away. We’re fine of course, but so sad. This man had two children and a baby on the way. He was a really kind man. We are stunned by the situation, and not a little shaken.
Know that it is so important to live life well, every single day.
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October 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
I loved “Helpful starters to counter any negative conversations” (You and Me, 1/10/08). In tense situations, I let others get the better of me as I always think of an appropriate response after the moment has passed, which is so frustrating! My friends have told me that I’m too “nice” and I allow people to speak to me in the manner in which they do. I let people criticize me and can never think of a suitable timely response. But the column you published today will help me greatly. Please can you send me more stuff like this?
Some kinds of “nice” are not helpful. Helpful “nice” is when truth is directly and lovingly expressed, even if the content of your message is tough or uncomfortable. With this said, it is also helpful to know that not everything you see, think, or feel needs to be expressed in every encounter. Sometimes silence – in response to someone wishing to pick a fight – is perfectly “nice” and appropriate.
Know yourself before you assert yourself. Invest deeply in the people who are important to you and, because you hold them in high regard, take no nonsense from them.
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September 30, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. You do not have my permission to ruin my day.
2. No matter how juicy it might be, I will not join you in gossip.
3. Sloppy manners do nothing positive for our relationship.
4. If you want to be insulting you will have to choose a willing victim.
5. Is there anything that might have pleased you today? I’d rather hear about that.
6. Please keep your complaints to yourself, or share them directly with people empowered to assist you.
7. I am sorry you are upset. I will remind you it has nothing to do with me. Your emotional well-being and your attitudes are completely up to you.
8. How do you find it possible to be so negative when such beauty surrounds you?
9. Could you please avoid swearing and cussing when I am around you? I’d rather not be exposed to your gutter-talk.
10. Are you aware that blame and resentment are the fruit of anger and unresolved issues? I’d suggest you talk with someone who can be of help to you.
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September 29, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My stepmother is nicer to me and to my children than is my biological mother. My dad married her when I was a teenager and I resisted her being in our family. My father told me that I’d better get used to it and that I’d better do all I could to get along with the new arrangement. I still kicked against it for a while but things settled down and we ‘found’ each other. Now my problem is I find her easier to relate to than my own mother! While I do not detect any jealousy or bad feelings, it is a little uncomfortable for my family when my children enjoy my stepmother a little more than they do my own mother. My mother is not a problem; she is simply less people and family-orientated. What do you think?” (Lifted, with permission, from face-to-face conversation)
Sounds like a “normal family stuff” to me. You (understandably) resisted. Someone (your father) stood up to you. The whole family apparently learned a lot. Essentially, you gained from the strong messages received from your father – and, as a result, you grew up. You are probably more aware than most people seem to be of how long it can take for a family to adjust and grow and learn to love. Drop the “step” label. It seems to serve no purpose, and I’d give up using it completely. Of course, I appreciate you needed the label to relay your story to me, but you probably don’t need it in daily living. It is an unnecessary term which is quite loaded with negativity for many people.
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September 27, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband is 16 years older, and his daughter is 12 years younger, than me. She is 22. She told her father she doesn’t feel part of this family and gets hurt every time she sees me. I’m kind to her but she takes ‘shots’ at me, which I have mistakenly shrugged it off. I don’t confront well. I’m hurt that she always finds fault with me. I have to bite my tongue around her, which isn’t working. When she visits I put on my ‘parenting hat’ and listen to how she feels but I really want to blow up at her for walking all over me. It’s my fault for not setting boundaries. She’s bright, immature, narcissistic, beautiful, funny, and emotional. I love her, and am unsure of my role and how to do myself with her. I don’t want to hurt her or be hurt by her.” (Shortened)
This young woman appears to have too much power over you. Remove and discard your “parenting hat.” She’s a fellow adult who is not behaving very well while a guest in your home. Until you challenge her, and until she learns to stand up to you (as opposed to manipulate you) neither of you will realize the full joy and potential of being in each other’s lives.
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September 25, 2008
by Rod Smith
My son (19), although he does work, gets a lot of money from his grandparents on his father’s side. Although we are divorced, and it his father’s parents, I still feel some responsibility and that my son should not do this. They can’t seem to say no to him and I just heard he ran up his grandmother’s mobile phone account to an astronomical amount. I recently got an indirect message from my husband that my interference was not appreciated. Please advise. (Letter edited)
If I were in your shoes, I too would feel overwhelmed with the sense that your son is being inappropriate. I would find myself wishing my former in-laws felt more empowered to refuse to give my son money, and I would most certainly desire he did not ask for it.
But, we are dealing with autonomous adults. Your son and his grandparents are free to engage in whatever dance they wish to enjoy. At some point, and probably without your help, someone in the mix is going to begin to insist on a change in behavior, and it is likely to happen without your having to interfere.
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September 24, 2008
by Rod Smith
“A family member has utilized emails to catastrophic ends in our whole family. In particular he aimed them at a person who has repeatedly saved him in financial difficulties. Added, he has a destructive relationship with his son. The son left home and cannot see his way clear to reuniting with his father. Any conversation result in lengthy emails about out how badly the son has behaved. Why does he use emails as his method of communication? He criticizes and abuses and ends the email on a loving note assuring his love despite the wrongs he is blaming others for. When a reply is sent he cleverly twists and changes the meaning. It’s almost as if the emails fulfill a need for him. Our decision to delete all further emails has now been made. I put an instant stop to it not wanting to enter into his mind-control emails.“
Destructive hobbies are hardly a new phenomenon. Irrational behavior escapes rational explanation. Don’t even try to understand it. As you have already done, encourage other family members to delete all of his emails without opening them. Declare the family will only engage in face-to-face communication, in the presence of several people, when this relative declares he has something to say.
Remember:
1. If you feed it, it will grow!
2. You cannot reason (successfully) with unreasonable people (yet reasonable people try to do it all the time!).
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I’d suggest your future is sufficiently valuable to postpone your wedding until these and other underlying matters are addressed. Your actions will be unpopular, but the response of your fiance and his family to your suggestion that you place the wedding on hold will tell you volumes about how you will be treated in the future. If it is a good match, you will be offered a world of understanding. If you are treated with contempt – well, then you know you’ve made the right choice.
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