Partner abuse is not restricted to physical violence. Emotional and psychological abuse, while leaving no visible scars, can be as devastating as an act of violence. If your relationship is leaving you drained, if it is eroding your confidence, if it is isolating you from others, and if it feels more like a prison sentence than a platform for love and adventure, you are probably in a controlling, abusive relationship.

If any of the following is true for you, I’d suggest you get “outside” help.

1. When you try to talk about your feelings, your partner railroads the discussion, giving you no time to think, feel or express yourself.
2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you.
3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates, and undermines your ideas, dreams, and any views you express.
4. Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family.
5. Your partner stops you from working, keeps you “in line” by withholding money.
6. Your partner has stolen from you and run up debts in your name.
7. Your partner destroys things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.
8. You are afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.

“I am a wife, and when the ‘other woman’ called me, my husband broke down and told me everything. He stopped seeing her that day and he hasn’t looked back. She calls and Emails him all the time, begging for him to come back to her. Now that we are in counseling our lives are starting to heal. I recently sent her a letter and a big “A” painted red as a present to her work. Then I ran an add in the paper that said ‘Congratulation Xxx’ you earned the A all by yourself.’ So when friends asked her what it means, she will either have to come clean or make up a lie!” (Minimal edits)

This is not the approach I’d endorse, but it apparently makes you feel totally in control of your life and marriage once more. I hope the counseling and the marriage you are re-building, keeps you together and fulfilled for a very long time.

I will remind you, if you have read this column for any length of time, that extra-marital affairs are very seductive. They help the participants (perpetrators and victims) shift focus off what is really bugging the marriage.

Watching your children love, support, and have fun with each other. Seeing your children develop a curious eye, a desire for information, a desire to achieve and accomplish greater goals than you could ever have had at a similar age. Hearing your children stand up for themselves, speak their minds, challenge authority, and declare their thoughts and feelings – all in an appropriate manner. Experiencing moments of tenderness and care directed towards you, the parent, in a manner that is unexpected and unsolicited on your part. Witnessing your children entering into healthy, open, mutual, respectful, and equal relationships of love and trust.

From Nancy Axelrad: When good news starts to trickle back from others that your children are kind and well-mannered, you know you’re doing something right as a parent. You’re doubly thrilled when you discover that your child did something special for another caregiver. Helping your child to keep his joy and wide-eyed sense of wonder about life helps you do the same.

A parent, who requires no attribution, responds with….

My daughter is too young (six) to have a lot of knowledge or assets, but her polite articulation of her discretion regarding time, commitment, effort, self-awareness, awareness of others and forgiveness is awe inspiring.

Any time she shows emotional awareness, flexibility in process and stability in objectives rather than denial of reality, rigidity in methods and disappointment in results, I know she’s going to be o.k. … and any time she doesn’t, I get to lead by example.

Several instances stand out:
Polite – “I’m going to ask you to respect my words. Please don’t do that.” (After initial “please don’t do that”, repeat request for lack of rough housing by friend.)
Time discretion – “No, that’s not my priority” (When asked “isn’t having candy more important than visiting with friends”?)
Commitment discretion – “Safety first, jobs second, then play, play, play, play, play” (When we were planning to address our less pleasant responsibilities.)
Effort and forgiveness discretion – “I did my best … perfection isn’t the standard” (When falling over for the three thousandth time trying to roller blade.)
Self-aware “Ow. That was a painful … and a shock … but I’m o.k.” (When she tripped over her Hanna Montana flip-flops.)
Aware of others – “Yes, but Todd doesn’t always do what he says.” (When discussing commitments for a play date.)

But my favorite public recognition – voted “most patient” at summer camp.

No attribution desired.

[Submit your own thoughts to the list via “comments” and I will add and acknowledge your contribution]

You both take things very slowly. You feel no pressure to tell him everything about yourself. You do not expect him tell you everything about himself. He shows no interest in your former relationships, but is polite when you want to talk about your past loves. He doesn’t pry. He doesn’t expect to be told about what you do when you are with other people. He is respectful of his parents and, if necessary, would help them financially. He turns off his cellular phone, pager, message service, palm pilot, music devices, and all other gadgets when you are together. He is respectful of the fact that you have a life apart from him and encourages you to see your friends. He takes time to cultivate his own friendships. He listens more than he talks. He tips servers very well even if the service is poor. He does dishes, his own laundry, and cleans up after himself. He washes his own car. He does not tell you stories or jokes he’s already told you – although failure at this would only qualify him as a bore – and you could do a lot worse than date a bore! (I’ve used “he” but of course this is just for easier reading).

“I am at my wits end. I would like to see my family work. I met my boyfriend six years ago. We have a son (2) together. I had an affair and, as a result, he moved out. When we reconciled earlier this year, he kept on seeing the girl he had begun dating after we broke up. I fell pregnant. I am now four months along and he refuses to acknowledge the pregnancy or me. He went to the extent of accusing me of trying to destroy him because I refused to terminate the pregnancy. He is adamant that I am trying to trap him with this pregnancy. Though a part of me wants to let him go, because he is manipulative and verbally abusive, I can’t seem to let go. How do I begin to move on?”

Each of you has been wounded, and in turn, has inflicted some wounding. I’d suggest you attempt to place significant energy upon caring first for your own physical and emotional well-being, and then upon caring for your unborn child and two-year-old son. Do this before you try to understand or unravel your conflicted adult relationships. Children need adult parents and it appears that neither of you, mother nor father, is taking that role very seriously.

1. Listen more than you talk.
2. Ask appropriate questions (some things really are none of your business!) and listen to the answers.
3. Look people in the eye.
4. Don’t answer your cell-phone, or read or send text messages, in the middle of a face-to-face conversation.
5. Don’t brag or play one-up-man-ship.
6. Don’t unload your life’s details on people you hardly know.
7. Don’t talk about past relationships or past illnesses.
8. Avoid unnecessary detail.
9. Don’t criticize others.
10. Avoid conversations about politics, sex, religion, or the state of the nation with people whom you have just met.

“My best friend moved next door to us while his wife was selling their home in another city. While waiting he enjoyed a five-year sexual relationship with my wife. I had evidence to substantiate the affair, which my wife denied. I have not confronted my best friend, nor have I told his wife. I am sure his wife would likely want to pay back both of our spouses by conducting an affair with me. Believe me, it is all I can do to not do exactly that. I am still married, though not convinced that it is entirely over between them. But it is not the way it should be. I should not have to circumvent their sexual activities by spying. I have not sat her down to tell her that I am more than suspicious that it happened. Should I talk with both?” (Letter shortened)

Five years! And you are living under the same roof as your wife? I’d suggest there is something more fundamentally amiss with your marriage that playing “pay back” with his wife most certainly will not fix. Of course you should talk about this. I’d suggest a paid professional to moderate your meetings so you can get the best out of a very toxic situation.