“I read your 9 November 2008 column and was struck that enquirer made the point that he lost his parent when he was six and needed space. Your reply fell short of constructive advice for his future relationships.

“It sounds as though the pain of his loss resulted in a barrier against further pain, so he avoids getting too close to people. This makes long-distance relationships ‘safe.’ Surely he needs to deal with the root of this to build a healthy, interactive relationship?

“As he is would not bode well for marriage a man and woman ‘cleave’ and become one flesh, where interaction, communication, commitment, and trust are key ingredients. No one can force him to face and deal with the root of his problem, but a healthy marital relationship, will require two emotionally and psychologically well individuals.

“I acknowledge his girlfriend might be too demanding, in which case she would also need to learn to establish healthy boundaries. I agree it may be best for the relationship to be ended, but the problems will still remain in future relationships if not addressed. We tend to drag baggage from our childhoods into adult relationships, often to our own detriment.”

“What do I do if I live a long way away from my husband and when the time goes on I phone him and he does answer the phone. Then, as the time goes by, if I phone him he will never pick up the phone. What does this symbolize to a married woman who has husband like this?”

A lack of conversation (meaningful or otherwise), having limited time together, and experiencing avoidance from your husband is, I am sure, most painful for you. Living as a victim is surely worse.

Go to your husband. Have a face-to-face conversation. Assess the condition of your marriage. Many couples survive intentional, temporary separations, for matters of work, travel or study – and come out better off for it. Passive acceptance of your husband’s silence will get you and your marriage nowhere.

“I have been in a relationship for three years and we also live together. Since last month we started fighting about everything. We had a talk last night and he told me he do not know how we can solve this problem. He wants me to loose weight and I do exercise but he still doesn’t seem to see that I’m trying to make him happy. I love him with everything I have do not want loose him. It looks like he does not want be with me no more. What can I do so I don’t loose him? He told me that I have changed and are not the same as i was when we met and when I told him that he changed he didn’t seem to agree. He doesn’t want to have sex with me. He does not hold me at night. He doesn’t tell me by himself that he loves me just when I tell him then he will reply with a loveless tone. Can you please tell me what i can do?”

Victims make most unattractive partners. When you begin to love yourself with “everything you have” you might stop living as a victim. Your over-dependence on this man for your happiness will ultimately drive him (and most men) away.

“We just had our second anniversary when my husband told me that he ‘has no feeling for me.’ We have a six-month-old daughter. He has been ‘friends’ with a woman (22) and he will not end this relationship to save our marriage. I am filing for separation/divorce on Friday and will leave him and never look back. We women have the strength to pick ourselves up and move on. Life is too short to have our hearts broken by inconsiderate selfish men. Yes, I was hurt, and yes, I cried my heart out, but I love my daughter and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure she grows up with a loving family and in a happy home. Our happiness is more important than trying to chase him while he chases some cheap woman. I won’t do it. I am going to get what I can and pick up the pieces because things will get better. They always do.” (Minimal edits)

I commend you for your stand, for finding and expressing your voice, your hope, and your willingness to create an honest future. I am sure your soon-to-be ex-husband will ultimately regret his loss. There are more important things than marriage – one of them if fidelity.