“I met my husband when his children were 3 and 7. I thought that I would learn to love someone else’s child and that it would just take time to bond. We are now married with a child of our own. Their biological mom is and has always been trouble and does nothing but try to put both my husband and me down in the kids eyes. The kids are sweet and loving but I still find it hard to bond to them. It’s always ‘my mommy this’ and ‘my mommy that’ and it makes it hard to bond. At times I want it to be me and my child and husband. I know how this sounds but seriously can you tell me I must immediately love and like everyone just because they happen to be smaller. I am not a bad or evil person I simply dislike having to be caring and attentive to another person’s child when I get none of the reward. They will always love their mother more and that’s the way it should be, but I can only take so much rejection. Eventually my heart turns off and I am left wondering why I thought being a step parent would be great.”
Children in a tug-of-war
“My son and his wife are in a constant battle with his ex-wife and her family. They want the grandchildren ALL the time and seem to never think of their new family as really part of the children. I hardly know my new step-grandchildren but I’d rather that than step into the middle of the battle for time with the children. Should I be working harder to get to know these children so they will know me one day or should I just let things be as they are for now?”
It's a fine line......
If there are already tensions regarding who the children ought to know and visit then I’d suggest you follow your intuition which suggest you remain out of the tug-of-war.
Children will readily pick up on surrounding stresses and tensions and will ultimately use them to their benefit – and not necessarily to the benefit of the adults who use the children as bargaining chips.
Stay out of conflicts that do not directly involve you. Your daughter and her husband are presumably adult enough to represent themselves in their own battles.
My ex-husband asks for money all the time……
“My ex-husband is very irresponsible when it comes to finances even thought he earns more money than I do. He comes to me to lend him money all the time. I try to budget well so I feel bad to say no. But what hurts is that he also comes in and out of my house like it is his. He will come over and sit and watch a movie when he supposed to be ‘visiting’ the children. How do I set the boundaries in terms of my space and not having to worry about his financial problems, as we no longer married? He chose to be with someone else rather than stay and fix the marriage.”
Stop the supply.....
Your ex-husband will take advantage of your home and finances and invade your boundaries for as long as you permit it.
Stop the supply. Bolt (metaphorically) your doors. Cut the ties. Have the children meet or see him outside of your home. Quit being his mother, his Mother Theresa, and the one who enables his stunted development.
No problem is ever solved if you keep feeding it.
That he asks you for anything is not a sign of love, or hope, and nor is it a suggestion that anything might be mended in the future. His behavior confirms that he has failed to grow up. He will take advantage of anyone who will cooperate with his selfish ways.
Get over “feeling bad” – the man feels nothing for you. He will not starve if you don’t supply. If the man can leave his wife and children for another woman believe me he’ll find another supply-line when you stop yours up.
Every penny you give him enables his parasitic ways.
For children – how to go for a walk with your father…..
Offer your dad your arm and link it with his.
With your arm tucked in his there’s nowhere you cannot go. There’s no place that is unsafe. There’s no destination too far and no journey (no matter how short or long) that is not worth the effort.
Walk with your father in this manner as often as is possible — it’s very good training for when you will have to walk alone and it is good training for when you will walk with another.
Son (8) asked if boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls….
My son (8) recently asked me if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. I didn’t know how or what to answer and so I changed the subject. I know that avoiding his question is wrong and I am mentally preparing myself to answer his question soon. I am not homophobic. One of my close friends is a homosexual.
Relax, and then talk about anything
Tell your son that in South Africa (origin of Email) men and women can love and marry whomever they want to marry. Inform him that one day he will be old enough and wise enough to marry anyone he loves and who, in turn, loves and wants to marry him.
Now, before I am pummeled with both hate and love mail from all sides, please remember that your answer to your son’s question will not determine or change his sexual orientation. Parent-son conversations are simply not that powerful.
Your openness and comfort in having meaningful conversations about personal topics with your son will not determine his sexual orientation, but it might determine if he keeps talking with you and asking you questions about personal and important matters for many years to come.
How to be really happy
- Work really hard for eight to ten hours a day, five or six days a week, even if you don’t have to.
- Consistently, for years and years and years, spend less money than you earn.
- Be accountable (answerable) to the same small group of friends for years and years and years.
- Honor your parents no matter how young or old you are.
- Give time and money to a cause you love.
- Take full responsibility for your life, actions, and attitudes.
- Blame no one for anything.
- Accept that your most intimate and loving relationship will also sometimes drive you crazy.
- Stay out of control without hurting anyone or breaking the law.
- Strive for simplicity, clarity, and transparency in all your dealings.
- Work as hard at loving your enemies as your enemies work at trying to hurt or destroy you.
- Talk to your siblings as often as possible.
How to know love is real love?
Love is not possessive. It does not try to keep you from other important relationships. A person who tries to restrict your freedom does not love despite what he or she might say. Sometimes a possessive person will say, “I am just this way because we are not yet committed,” or “because you are so beautiful.” The truth is that possessive people seldom become less so. Their hold will only increase as you permit it.
Love is not jealous. A person who loves you will celebrate your strengths and successes. A person who loves also applauds you when others do. They work to enhance your popularity with others. Sometimes a jealous person will say, “I am jealous of you because I love you,” or “my jealousy shows I care.” Nonsense. People are jealous for many reasons and it is never a sign of love.
Love is not only a feeling. It is measured in financial, spiritual, and sexual fidelity. The loving person does not play games with your feelings, spend your resources, or keep as a secret from you, matters that pertain to your friendship. Love seeks the highest good of all the people in your family. It has no desire to exclude or separate you from you family.
Avoid, embrace – brief notes to self:
Avoid
Gossip, rumor, and those who spread it
Disciplining, correcting others when I am annoyed or angry
Passing on hearsay as if it were fact
Following a compliment with a (subtle) insult
Carrying a hidden agenda
Embrace
Truth and praise that is sincere and accurate
Opportunities to speak up for the things about which I am passionate
Transparency, openness, and generosity
Flexibility, good humor, and opportunities to inspire others
Encounters that help everyone grow and change
I married outside my faith and therefore parties are difficult for me…..
“Every time I have to arrange a party for a family member I go into such dilemma about whether to have it or not. The fact that people might not attend and the basic mix of cultures further overwhelms me and depresses me and I no longer want to do it. I have married out of my faith to a Christian man who is a wonderful and dear person. My family is not totally thrilled with this and therefore my indecision! I once invited them to my son’s party and one responded saying that I put her in a predicament as she could not come. This hurt me and I shut them out for a while. This time it’s my birthday and I am afraid of rejection again.”
You are faced with a wonderful growth opportunity every time you celebrate an event. If you were strong enough to differentiate from your family by marrying outside of your faith then I’d suggest you are strong enough to plan and enjoy any party.
The invitation does not put anyone into any predicament. When issuing any invitation, always emphasize the freedom to decline so the less mature members of your family can stay home to revisit their unfinished business.
Monday Meditation
You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.
You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people never use it as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.
You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.
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