When it comes to bullying…

Bullying occurs whenever someone is not afforded free physical, emotional, intellectual, and psychological passage.

It happens in schools and among adults. With children, it usually lacks sophistication and is obvious to the children.

Adult bullies are often very practiced and the effect of their behavior is felt, while the behavior itself can be almost invisible.

In the case of a child who experiences bullying at school, the remedy (approach, solution) begins between the parent and the child. The school is not the first port of call. Your child, loved, coached, and prepared, is himself the best antidote to bullying.

Bullying is not something that can be outpaced. It must be addressed head-on.

Moving to another school, changing friends, asking the school to change your daughter’s classes will not solve the issue.

The solution is best found by teaching and coaching your daughter to take care of herself in all manner of environments.

Discussing personal boundaries, personal power, and appropriate responses to bullying behavior will do more to defuse the bully than any attempts made on your daughter’s behalf by the school.

Talk about issues BEFORE they arise. What is undressed will carry more power and weight than what is addressed.

“Regarding the ‘toxic leaks’ column: the public hospitals in KZN are plagued toxic leaks and poor leadership. I really do enjoy what I do, but since the doctors’ strike last year I find it difficult to be positive. I find myself constantly criticizing the CEO and other doctors. It really is difficult to take the Department of Health seriously and I have been trying to modify my perceptions. These feelings are a reflection of most of my colleagues, although I’m probably more outspoken. I find it interesting that my spouse and I get along well. We never fight, and if we argue we do so in a mature way. All my personal relationships are shining. Yet I have been involved in ugly shouting matches at work. Maybe it is just due to pressure, however I have always functioned well under pressure. But I do not really know why we get so negative in the public health sector these days. Maybe ‘anxiety is more contagious than the common cold’ after all.”

Rabbi Ed. Friedman coined the quoted anxiety phrase. I’d suggest anyone in any form of leadership read his “Failure of Nerve – Leadership in the age of the quick fix.” It perfectly addresses the widespread crises in leadership.

“I had my picture online and my boyfriend asked me to take it off cause he could see my bra and I’m a little busty. I feel like he is going down the path of being a controlling type which I can’t deal with. I’ll wear something else if he tells me the right way. Maybe it’s his past. I’m still with him because he is very good to me but we disagree on so many things and argue alot – but we learn as well. I’m being patient with this controlling stuff because of his past relationships. I try to be my own woman while reassuring him that I want to look good for my own image. I need independence. I listen to him but he should listen to me too. I don’t want to throw it off as it’s easy to walk away and give up.” (Edited from longer comment)

Take back the power

I get (thankfully) a lot of mail. If, having written to me, you do not hear directly from me, you will usually find some form of response to your question within the content of my column within a few days.

Most letters I receive far exceed the 215-word publication limit so I reduce questions to the essence of what is being asked. But, I do read every letter. There is no back-up team of readers or writers, nor are the columns mass-produced or re-printed from another source. If I do re-run a column it is because its theme addresses themes of questions I am receiving or I am “on the road” and have unreliable access to the Internet.

Come the 19th of March 2010, “You and Me” will begin its 10th year of daily publication in The Mercury. As a result of daily exposure to the citizens of KwaZulu Natal, individual columns have appeared in newspapers and magazines in other regions of South Africa, the UK, Australia, Canada, and on the East Coast of the USA.

Within a few weeks the website (www.DifficultRelationships.com) will hit a million viewers! Thanks, readers, I treasure our unique connection and look forward to many more letters as you respond to “You and Me.”

Address it before it poisons your workplace....

The sigh about the boss, the mumble about cutbacks, the negative comment about new (or “old”) leadership, can drain a workplace of energy and poison the attitudes of the most creative and loyal colleagues.

These (often very subtle) attacks on the organization, can create more problems than any difficult boss, budgetary issues, or changes in leadership and must be addressed by leadership with full force.

Such behavior is indicative of poor personal boundaries and unhapiness that extends beyond any issue faced in the workplace.

In the event you are a regular complainer, or the employee who knows exactly when and where to whine while continuing to appear innocent and above such behavior – stop! You are doing yourself and your organization no good at all. Take your complaints and issues directly to the person empowered to act and address the issues that are unsettling you.

Rod Smith, MSMFT

You are being plundered in the name of love. Until you stand up for yourself and refuse his controlling ways, your boyfriend will shape and mould you into what he thinks he can fully manage — until there is nothing left of you. This is not love, it is an abduction.

Don't snoop....

Snooping on his phone reveals more about you than it does about your boyfriend. Unless you have discussed it and made a mutual decision to share your communication with others, don’t access any information (mail, email, phones, instant messages) not intended for you. Reading what is not intended for you can burn your eyes. Tell him what you have done and give him an opportunity to forgive you. That he maintains innocent conversation with his exes suggests he has the integrity to forgive you and move on.