November 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
May our thoughts and prayers be focused upon….
Children who seldom (or never) see one (or both) of their parents
Men and women who are “content” living partial (unfulfilled, discontented) lives
Groups harboring prejudice
Churches selling guilt
Businesses that exploit customers and employees
Those who refuse to forgive
The chronically (and minimally) anxious
Betrayed spouses
Men and women who are indifferent to their own aged parents
Men and women who accumulate wealth and power on the backs of those who have little of both
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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November 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
Dialogue first....
You get to decide if you wish to be subjected to cultural expectations at the expense of your marriage and your mental health. I’d suggest you have a conversation, and not a confrontation, with your husband over this matter. Do not suggest he resist assisting his parents, but rather finds a way, with you, to serve his parents without sacrificing the needs of his immediate family.
Dialogue first. Negotiations, second. Ultimatums, polarized positions (“us or them”) to be avoided at all cost.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family |
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November 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
Size matters...
I’ve seen many families where the children are “bigger” than the parents. The children’s needs, wants, and desires appear to determine almost everything. The parents’ needs are continually ignored while every desire the children become the parents’ marching orders.
Of course parents willingly sacrifice for their children, but in families with “super-sized” children, the imbalance becomes burdensome.
I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships.
Such toxic parent/child binds can drain all the enjoyment out of family life.
When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly.
“Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task: it is better not to worship children in the first place.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Space, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Triangles, Violence, Voice |
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November 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have a girlfriend (35) with children ages 18, 17, 14, 13, and a granddaughter who just turned 1. The 17-year-old is the mother of this child. I am 28. Everything started well until I was laid off from work. Now we are all together more. It’s funny how things come to light when you are around more. These kids are very clever at school but their behavior is Tough call for anyone....
This would be a tough context for anyone to enter – not because this family is necessarily more difficult than any other, but because there are so many established relationships and permutations that pre-exist you. You won’t “fix” the children or their mother – but you will have to decide how resilient you are in the face of at least 6 people who will all see you, at least at times, as an intruder. I say “at least” because you have made no mention of the fathers of the children or the grandchild. Anyone who was here “before” will feel as if he or she has more rights and more say than you do when there is pressure in the family.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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November 12, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in contact with a guy for the past 18 months, chatting online. He lives in another city. A few months ago we met, and really hit it off. I have met him a few times since, and had initially thought that I was imagining, his bad breath. The last visit which was a few days ago, left me quite repelled as he seems to have a serious halitosis problem that he is not aware of. The sad thing is that other than that, he is absolutely wonderful, but I really feel that I will be unable to go on with a person who has such bad breath. Both of us have been divorced previously, with no children and we are both in our thirties. Please help! How do I approach this?”
Tell him...
Try to be humorous; first tell him of some of your own “blind spots” and ask if he is “open” to hearing some you have noticed. If this relationship progresses to levels of greater commitment and deeper love, you are going to have to have far more difficult conversations. This conversation will be good practice for what is to come – if you are anything like millions of other healthy couples.
India
You’re both mature thirty-plus year olds right? And I’m assuming life has taught you both that there is never a need to “beat around the bush” at this age. Having bad breath is like having bad body odor, your always the last one to notice (or so I’ve heard). So in the grand scheme of things, and it sounds like this man is “absolutely wonderful” as you say, telling him he has bad breath will probably be one of the easiest relationship issues you’ll have to address together. And this is nothing that couldn’t be solved with, like gifting your boyfriend with a year’s supply of Cool Mint breath strips!
ACT, Australia
and then meeting him and enjoying the times together, you have probably communicated to him your enjoyment of the relationship. It sounds as if you like each other. It’s with that in mind that I suggest that he might appreciate your honesty about how you are struggling with his bad breath. Telling the truth to someone (not in a critical manner) is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself as well as the other.
Midwest, USA
! No really- its probably something that you’ll need to bring up with him if you do in fact want to remain in relationship with him. Have the courage to do so even if it doesn’t end up working out. If he can seek medical help for it it may be something you laugh about later in your relationship. The way he responds to you when you tell him will speak volumes to the future you may or may not have with him.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Voice |
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November 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I love and trust her fidelity. However there is one thing that I find it quite difficult to cope with and that is that she likes to keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends and lovers. This causes me quite a lot of pain. Am I abnormal? Do I need therapy?”
Open your hand....
unless there are related behaviors you are not telling me about like outbursts of rage on your part. I do not believe you need therapy. I have received many letters with a similar theme and met face-to-face with many couples in the same boat. The issue will not be solved if your wife severs contact with her past relationships.
You are the one with the feelings (the anguish, the uncertainty) and therefore the one with the opportunity to grow. Matters will be “solved” or alleviated for you, when you open your hand and facilitate her freedom to befriend, within the commitments of your marriage, whomever she desires. These relationships predate you, and you are her obvious choice of a life-partner. Work on yourself, not on her. If you work (force, plead, strong-arm, attempt to manipulate) on her, you will only alienate her and turn your internal world upside down.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)
Timing is everything...
Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.
Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.
Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.
Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Parenting/Children |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I expressed to my partner that I was feeling like a ‘girlfriend with benefits’ or a ‘convenient mistress.’ He was offended, yet when (by my choice) our relationship was no longer physically intimate and he was preparing wages for his domestic, he observed that he should perhaps pay me for ‘services not rendered’. He has expressed some objection to taking me out, paying for the evening, and then having to say goodbye at the door and go home.” (Edited)
Thanks for writing...
with this man I’d suggest you pay your own way. While he perceives paying for an evening out with you as a trade for “benefits,” and you cooperate with his wishes because he has spent money on you, then you are indeed little more than a hired mistress. Apparently the space between you has become clouded and toxic. Your unique wants have polarized the two of you and it is probably time to call it quits.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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November 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.
But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.
Three things:
1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.
It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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November 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
(those relationships where manipulation, domination, and intimidation are evident) as a game of (human) chess played, not with a board and pieces, but with people….
Manipulation: “Playing chess” with others; maneuvering, as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into “love” or into doing what the manipulator wants. Moves are designed to confuse, trap, surprise, pull the rug from under the feet, and to leverage and increase power for the manipulator.
Domination: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces (withholding information, telling lies, maintaining a “double” life) from the “opponent” without his or her knowledge or permission. This is playing from an “upper hand.”
Intimidation: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces without the opponent’s knowledge or permission, and threatening the opponent with punishment (threats to leave, threats to hurt, intentionally harmful attitudes) if he or she wins or loses.
Healthy Relationships: There is no element of either winning or losing; there is no tussle over power; there is no “game,” no tactics, and no secret or hidden agendas.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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Children who seldom (or never) see one (or both) of their parents
difficultrelationships.com 