July 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
Readers, kindly offer your insights through “comments” and read the therapists’ (Jean’s, and Kathryn’s) opinions in a day or two.
“I have been married for eight months to a man who seemed well educated and liberated. Barely months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me over a trivial things. In disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, and blamed me for his outbursts saying I ‘provoked him’. We started therapy. I see him not getting violent. He is as touchy as ever, argues for hours, days even though I beg him to leave me alone. He makes demands and expects me to fulfill them and shows no appreciation. He makes me feel like I am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?”
From Canberra
Are you able to tell him how you feel about the way he treats others in comparison with how he treats you? Would you be prepared to tell him that you won’t tolerate his choices to be violent with you? Change can happen, when you change the way you relate to him when he inflicts pain on you. If you need professional help to implement this, I suggest you go for it.
Can YOU change?
Do not cooperate with his pathological outbursts and bullying. Leave whenever it begins. Say, “I’ll come back when you get over yourself and begin behaving like an adult.” Expose his dark side to your closest family and friends. These patterns of his behavior did not begin with you and nor are they provoked by you, and are beyond your role as a wife to even begin to attempt to fix. The man needs help (and discipline, and a tough stand) beyond the calling of any wife. In short, get out of the way of his pathology, expose – as far as you are able and as far as it directly affects you – his charming appearance, and find your own powerful voice whenever you have to deal with him.
Midwest, USA
You’re the closest person to him, therefore he chooses to release it on you. Blaming you for his outbursts is his way of not dealing with it, which allows him to continue doing so, as long as you are a willing participant. You have the power to let him know what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Take it back. He may need individual therapy before marriage therapy may prove helpful.
READER RESPONDS (NO PICTURE AVAILABLE): Regarding the query from the woman whose husband is so discontented (Mercury, 16 July 2009) – this man has no concept of what it really means to love someone, let alone be contented. In fact, he sounds very self-centred and immature. A Don Francisco song goes, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”. There is also a book on depression, by Minirth and Meier, with a title I like: “Happiness is a Choice”. There are plenty of other cliched truisms along this theme.
The concepts of love and marriage have been done a great disservice by the media’s romance industry. Yes, there is a place for romance, passion and excitement, but these are essentially self-centred and depend on feelings. One cannot remain infatuated and at a peak of passion all one’s life. True love is unconditional and other-centred, not self-centred – on both sides of the relationship. It values the other person and involves mutual commitment and fidelity, regardless of what life throws at them. In a one-sided relationship, there is a giver and a taker, which is unbalanced. The tragedy is that this man will probably leave a trail of broken hearts as he pursues his self-centred agenda, charming women then getting bored once the infatuation abates. He really needs to grow up!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Welcome Tim
President of Growth and Associates, located in Brentwood, California, to Durban today. Tim and I met in Hawaii in 1986 when Tim was a know-it-all 15-year-old striding the university campus where I studied. Tim’s mother worked at the university while Tim strode the campus as if it were his very own creation. Even then he embodied generosity. Quick witted, visionary, Tim always seemed able and willing to develop a means to get what he needed, and a way to get where he wanted to go.
Congratulations, Tim. Not only have you have become the leader, and the teacher of leaders, making all who know you proud, you also offer hope to parents who might be overwhelmed, even intimidated by the zeal, determination, intelligence, and creativity they discern in their offspring.
Author, entrepreneur, and friend, welcome to Durban. I wish I were there to greet you, to haul you off to tea at Mitchell Park with Gordon, my favorite waiter in the world, and then show you Durban’s beauty. I will have to leave that up to those you meet while you are there. Durbanites will show you a good time. It comes as naturally to them as inspiring others does to you.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am the other woman in a relationship of five years. It just came out, and now the wife is leaving. I feel horrible. Should I contact her and confess? I have felt guilty for years but never ended it. I probably never would have ended if this wouldn’t have happened. The guy wants to still continue to see me but I just can’t.”
From Canberra
, feeling valuable and significant in a special someone’s life can override any of value/belief systems. Confessing to the wife will not alleviate your guilt. Perhaps this present circumstance is a good time to explore deeper why you put yourself through such inner turmoil in order to get your needs met.
Stay out....
Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. You will be no help to the wife, and, it is already established that you and the husband are no good for each other. Five years is a long time to deceive. I have no doubt deception will have become a way of life for you, possessing somewhat of an addictive quality. Although you have contributed to significant damage for this couple, you cannot participate in their, or her, healing. Don’t try. Your complete disregard for the sanctity of marriage reflects on your apparent disregard for yourself. It is going to be a long road, but I hope you find the one that leads you to a realization of your own inestimable value.
Remove yourself....
that you became the “other woman.” Feeling guilty for years is the direct result of living a lie. It’s interesting that you ended it after the wife found out and is leaving. A confession would serve to alleviate some of your guilt perhaps, but is irrelevant and may cause more hurt to the wife unless it is something she requests for her own healing. Remove yourself. Allow them to deal with the pain that is the consequence of an extramarital affair. Learn from your feelings of guilt, sit with them, and allow this to stop you from dating married men again. Spend energy working on yourself consider the possibility of becoming involved in a healthy relationship that is open and free.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is steadily gaining weight. He is obese (30kg over-weight) and we’re in our thirties. I’ve tried changing to a healthy eating routine and he loses interest. I’ve bought trainers to encourage him to begin walking with me. I have told him directly he needs to lose weight and he does nothing. It angers me that I make the effort to stay in shape by eating healthily and exercising regularly for various reasons, one of which is so that he can be proud of me in public. I am turned off in the bedroom and avoid intimacy whenever. I’m bothered that I’m looking at other men because I do love my husband. How do I get him to realize that this is a serious issue for me without hurting his feelings?”
KATHRYN: Pushing him to lose weight is producing the opposite results. No amount of energy spent on your part will ever be enough. The weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts about other men points to intimacy problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Plan a date for the two of you and look beneath the layers of subcutaneous tissue where you will indeed find your husband again. Energy spent in this way will not be wasted and perhaps he will begin discovering who he is and see you again in the process.
ROD: 1. Get his weight off your shoulders by telling him your complete truth. Your emotional health is more important than his feelings. Incredibly, he is free to dig his grave with his teeth or to find appropriate help.
2. Never have sex you don’t want.
3. Realize that while you perceive yourself as responsible for his health you will ruin your own. While it’s your issue it will never be his. The best help you can be is by NOT helping.
4. Get out of his sinking boat by taking your hands off his diet, exercise, and image. Remember the more your work the more he won’t. Sorry, this is not because your husband is in some manner peculiar, it is the nature of dependency.
JEAN: If you are frustrated that your husbandhas gained weight since your marriage, there must be frustration on his part too. Advice we listen to; but it’s pain we obey. Your husband will need to realize himself that he doesn’t want to be overweight because recovery for him will be hard work. Addiction in a relationship can subtly draw in the partner who tries to ‘fix’ the other. When he or she can’t, he or she can become controlling, angry, and resentful. Find ways to encourage your husband but look after your own needs. Seek help about wanting someone else.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Recovery, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My stepchildren (9 and 11) are a delight and we have so much fun when they visit. Really, my children (8 and 12) adore them and long for their visits. Then something odd occurs. They go home and become like little strangers to my children and to me. While their mother and I do not see eye-to-eye on everything we do get on reasonably well and most of the small skirmishes are about times and dates and who’s picking up and so forth. When the children are here it is like they don’t have another home, and when they go to their mother it is like we don’t exist. Please comment.”
Keep the conversation going
It would serve you well to work out, with biological mom, any unspoken rules in the two different households. The children are probably adapting to what they believe both mothers need. They will always have two homes, thinking otherwise is unrealistic. Consider opening up the conversation by asking questions about their “other home”. This will give them permission to reconcile their two worlds. Healthy functioning parents produce children who are free to be in relationship with others.
Thanks for writing...
well with the comings and goings that are the by-product of most blended families. Rejoice. When children live in two homes every loyalty in their fiber is challenged. I expect their appearance of disconnect with you and your children, while hurtful to you and to your children, is a product of confused loyalties. Have ALL the adults to meet face-to-face as often as possible to reduce scheduling issues. While you are not required to be friends, a high degree of cooperation among you will do all the children a great service for their exciting futures.
Two systems....
and visiting another. It sounds like they are quite relaxed and enjoy your times all together. However, coming back home again would take adjustment. Are they able to ‘talk’ about their thoughts and feelings about this? Are the expectations of continuing the ‘bonding’ process after your visits realistic?
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
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July 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am struggling to keep my marriage together. My wife, a heavy smoker, smokes in the house, in every room, and even smokes in the bedroom when I am there. She smokes watching television. She does not care where she smokes. As a trained nurse she should know better. I have asked her to be considerate and smoke in places that will not affect her families’ health. The request falls on deaf ears. She reminds me that I was once a smoker. I make her tea every morning and we drink it together, then she lights up. She works from her office at home and smokes continuously. I cannot sit and talk to her in the office, as the smoke is terrible. What should I do?”
Kathryn Powell
has no bearing and, is no reason to compromise your health by continuing to allow your wife to smoke in the home you share. Putting herself at risk for lung cancer is her prerogative. Jeopardizing your health, and your children’s health, shows her lack of respect. When the smoke is present, you are not. Consider looking at how you have allowed the smoke to act as a barrier in your marriage.
Smokescreen!
Deeper, longer-lasting, unresolved matters among you lay beneath every pack of cigarettes. And, Sir, it is easy to think you are the hero/victim (having quit the habit) and to think of your wife as the villain for persistently lighting up. These matters are seldom simple. Couples therapy is highly recommended and that you find a professional with the chutzpa to help you and your wife find, then fight, your enduring unresolved battles.
Three Cs
in regards to your marriage. The first is
‘Care for yourself’; the second
‘Care for your mate’ and the last is
‘Care for your marriage’. Seek help in why you have poured yourself out for your family with little thought to your own needs. You will be surprised at what you find.
Posted in Anger, Difficult Relationships |
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July 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
ONE QUESTION / THREE THERAPISTS ANSWER INDEPENDENTLY:
“I am divorced and engaged. Our relationship was idyllic and we plan to be married in September. I have serious misgivings. He is fine when not drinking though as soon as alcohol is involved he thinks nothing of disappearing for days on end, doesn’t take my calls and skips work. He always has a reason for this hurtful behavior – it’s normally my fault. He has been in a rehabilitation centre early last year at risk of losing his job and was fine for a few months and then reverted to this pattern again. As I type he is continuing with last night’s party, called in sick and is refusing to talk to me. When this binge is over he is very apologetic. My previous marriage was very similar, which brings me to wonder if I drive my partners to alcohol. I’m terrified of failing at another relationship.”
You don't DRIVE him anywhere....
If you were that powerful you could similarly “drive” them away from it. I’d encourage you to discover why you find drunks attractive. If being engaged is stressful, full of games of hide, seek, and blame – your marriage will be all this and much, much more. Cut ties, move on, don’t date, and get healthy!
Jean, Canberra, Australia
Everything that you communicate about this person who, by the way, is who he is because he chooses to be and not because you “drive” him to it, indicates that he is not a good candidate for marriage. Take steps to find out why you are so vulnerable to loving this kind of a man.
Alcohol is HIS problem...
It will not improve until he is willing to take necessary steps. Marrying him will solve nothing. Learning from your previous marriage is essential. His blaming and cutting you off are unloving behaviors, regardless of how well he apologizes. Over-functioning for him will help no one. Take steps to get yourself healthier and all your relationships, even with your daughters, will benefit.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination |
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July 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
Children want boundaries...
The Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Children
Parents are bestowed the utmost honor and responsibility.
Raising a child is both extremely rewarding and very challenging. It has the potential to drive one “batty” and the potential to produce much growth and maturity in the parents. Children have innate qualities, but are molded by the emotional environment. Children are born with the ability to create their individual slate of experiences. Significant people in their lives, with the environment, write and draw upon the slates.
Here are three ways that you can love your children deeply and teach them well:
1. Lovingly define yourself to your own parents, making sure they know who you are. This could involve some conflict- all of which has the potential to produce growth and healing. By growing up yourself, you become free to allow your children to do the same. Children rarely go beyond the maturity level of their parents. Thus, this becomes one of the more priceless gifts that you can offer.
2. Be present without worrying about the future. Pay attention to what they are saying, and you may learn something. Children don’t need the latest and greatest educational tools or toys. They need you, your time, your encouragement and input in their lives. They will learn how to do relationships from you, not by what you say, but by what you do.
3. Set consistent boundaries in your home that you are prepared to enforce. Discipline is what children need and want. Guidance is how you teach your child to treat people, that your child is not the center of the universe, and to respect all people.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship |
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July 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can love and NOT worry...
Easy-to-make
fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:
1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My three children live with my partner of 9 months and me. His children visit regularly. His son (12) pushes the boundaries and my partner allows him get away with a lot more than the other kids, including his daughter. My partner, who is brilliant with my children, will comment on bad behavior from my children, yet will not judge his son for the same behavior. His son lies to get the other kids into trouble and when I am near his father he makes sure that I cannot get too near. I refuse to compete with a 12-year-old for the affections of his father. My issue is the unfairness. It drives me up the wall. His father feels his son is sensitive and because he sees him so little that he will be less harsh with him. I understand this and am not sure if I am being unfair. I am starting to dislike the boy more and more. Please help.”
Get out of the middle...
Rod:
You are already competing and the boy is winning! Get off the “life is fair” gig and out of the middle. Leave EVERYTHING about his children UP TO HIM. While you are 12-year-old-focused, dad doesn’t have to be, – and you will always, always, end up looking like the enemy!
Kathryn
Kathryn:
Ignoring the behavior is not loving to anyone. The boy’s “sensitivity” is never a good reason for parents not to discipline a child. Consistently setting good boundaries with children is very loving. Spend intentional time together and perhaps your partner’s own guilt may dissipate bringing change into the dynamic. Be honest.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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