He said it isn’t going to work…

by Rod Smith

“My husband is working overseas and I recently gave birth to our second son who is now 4 weeks old. My husband has told me he doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce. He told me this when I was 8 months pregnant. I do love him but he said it isn’t going to work.”

Take up your life

Take up your life

While these suggestions might sound harsh or even uncaring, neither you nor the baby will benefit from a search for his reasons for wanting to end the marriage. Attempting to understand what is going on with him will prove to be a wild goose chase. Resist it. Even if you know the answer it is unlikely you will be able to fix whatever it is that he thinks is broken.

[Reminder: it is impossible to communicate effectively with someone who is already moving away from you. He, in this case, will only hear whatever reinforces his case.]

This does not mean I think the marriage will, or even should, end. He’s the one asking for the end of the marriage, let him deal with that. Your first calling is to yourself and to your child – and this is NOT selfish.

In short, try to separate “what went wrong” from “what must happen now.” Your future is in your hands, not his. Your well-being, and the baby’s well-being, are powerfully attached to your persistent ability to remain calm and non-anxious even in this anxious time. This is very tough to do, but the alternatives (chasing after him, falling apart, losing all sense of who you are in the attempt to get him back) are tougher in the long-term. Find your legs AND stand on them. Find your voice and USE it.

It is essential that you reach out to a support network of family, friends, neighbors, who are able to help you with the baby, the physical issues and adjustments of having just given birth, the legal process of divorce, and custody and financial issues.

Parenting is for adults. Even in the midst of these tough circumstances I believe you will have what it takes to be the parent and to be the parent your child both needs and deserves. Mine the rich reserves, the steel, already placed within you and put it to full use.

One Comment to “He said it isn’t going to work…”

  1. Not sure what to do, just been told by my husband of 20 years that he feels we are growing apart and he wants to be alone. I dont want to be on my own, I know this is a stupid reason for wanting to stay with him but I do love him, he is very selfish and cruel (not physically but mentally) I feel. He is a workaholic and now has decided that he wants me time, he calls it. Our daughter has left home now and we are alone, I do everything by myself and have done for years now. He makes no effort to fix the growing apart thing, I try to get him to do things together but he would rather work. Why do I want to stay – I really dont know. I think its probably because I think he will find someone else and I will still be alone, I dont know.

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