“Thank you for your column that appeared 18 June 2009. I have been feeling particularly sorry for myself after the death of my wife 18 months ago. The added responsibility of bringing up a family on my own and holding down my job has made me feel this way. I guess it is just time to grow up and get over myself at my age? You are so right. I am the only person who can change my life!”

It is your letter that makes the hours I sit at this computer worthwhile. Yes. It is deeply sad that your wife will die at any age, especially at a young age. Yes, it is deeply difficult to simultaneously rear children, hold down a job, and mourn great loss. Metaphorically speaking you have been hit by several buses and have much reason to feel sorry for yourself. But, it will probably not be helpful to you to remain in a condition of feeling sorry for yourself. Of course grief is absolutely necessary and appropriate. Dwelling the rest of your life in a state of grief will certainly not be helpful to you, your children, to the memory of your wife, or to anyone with whom you work.