Archive for June 24th, 2009

June 24, 2009

[Over]-parenting Karl

by Rod Smith

A little space goes a long way...

A little space goes a long way...

Over-protection had so overwhelmed Karl (15) that he had perfected the ability to escape from behind his own eyes. His vacant stare allowed him to see and note nothing most of the time. His head did turn slightly and very slowly in the general direction of his parents when they talked, but nothing about his demeanor allowed even a hint of interest. This did not inhibit the determined twosome in their attempts to correct this disconnection. Their every approach to Karl included rapid movements as they tried to prance into his line of vision, which was as difficult to discern, as it was to enter. His only response, which his parents found most encouraging, was a mild trace of disgust that appeared in the very minimal and effortless contortion of his lower lip. The boy had perfected the art of unspoken disdain that served only to have his animated parents increase their efforts to engage him even further. Disdain was something they found unthinkable, and it was quickly, positively, reinterpreted as they reassured each other of the widespread inability of teenagers to be demonstrative with love. They’d made a pact that they’d never believe anything negative from their son and encouraged each other with humor saying, “The Teen Monster abducted Karl.”

“Karl,” said his dad leaning elbows on his knees, “Look at me! Look at your mother. Look at anything.”

“Honey,” his mother said mirroring her husband’s pose, “you know we love you.”

The onslaught of words and emotion struck Karl’s shield, ricocheted off the ceiling and caused a shift in Karl’s posture. This encouraged his parents and they moved nearer to their son. Now his dad’s elbows were on Karl’s knees and his face was but inches from Karl’s nose. His mother had left her chair and hung earnestly over Karl’s shoulder while he pushed himself further into the furniture.

“Look at this Karl,” said father noticing their closeness, “what more could you want?”

“You have caring parents,” she said.

“You are such a popular boy,” he affirmed.

“You are so good looking,” she chimed.

“You have such a nice voice,” said one of them.

They shot their practiced affirmations at him because it was their nature to do so and because they well knew that teens are said to want acceptance and encouragement. Karl’s lower lip registered discomfort. Brief intense shudders raced the length of his face as if he was in shock treatment. He pulled his legs up onto the chair and placed his head between his knees which they saw as a covert invitation to move closer. Dad eased his own legs under the chair in the space Karl’s legs had vacated. Mother reached across the boy so that her arms were enfolding him as she placed her ear onto the exposed crown of his head.

“Karl we are not like other parents,” his dad said.

“We are here for you, Honey,” she interjected.

“You are everything to us!” they blurted.

Karl had an entirely new sensation. Somehow he was able to see into his own eyes which turned into a far-off clear inviting ocean. His meek movements toward the ocean became a strong walk which broke into a steady and powerful run. By the time he’d reached the rolling surf, he’d shed his clothes and plunged into the breaking surf. He tore through the waves as they beat upon his torso throwing him briefly into a panic until he surfaced finally in the calm of the open sea. In some dark corner of another world and over some musty chair, his parents were locked, speechless and uncomfortable in a rigid embrace, darting tentative stares into each others eyes looking for boy named Karl.

June 24, 2009

Don’t you KNOW what The Bible says, Rod Smith?

by Rod Smith

“You advise women to stand up to their jealous or controlling husbands. Don’t you know the Bible says wives must submit to husbands?” Don’t you know the Bible says the MAN is the ruler of the house and family?”

Green-eyed monster!

Green-eyed monster!

I do – know somethings. But there is, of course, a lot I don’t know. Paul says, “wives submit to your husbands,” and one can safely assume Paul is, in all of his letters, addressing both men and women. A husband who loves according to Paul is both safe and worthy of submission! But, beware of any man whose knowledge of Scripture begins, and ends, with “wives submit to your husbands” and the man (or woman) who is looking to be ruled or for a ruler! Loving men have no desire (or craving) for the submission (obedience) of others.

Submitting (“giving in”) to jealousy or controlling or abusive behavior is certainly not very helpful to the marriage, the husband or wife.

Take Up Your Life

Take Up Your Life

The Bible doesn’t require anyone to submit (accept, obey) anyone’s pathological behavior, whether it is from a spouse, pastor, or any leader. To resist (stand up to) pathological behavior, however it rears its ugly head, is to do the perpetrator (spouse, pastor, leader) a loving service. Submitting to damaging behavior can hardly result in enduringly helpful outcomes.

Sadly, I have seen women hang onto the hope that the husband will eventually change (stop drinking, beating, swearing, and go to church!) if she just learns to really “submit.” I’ve seem woman who believe the husband’s behavior is BECAUSE she has not learned to truly submit. Sad, sad, sad.

No. The monster (jealousy) will not go away if continually fed. It only gets more demanding, more unruly, more insatiable.

June 24, 2009

A is for Autonomy

by Rod Smith

Please go to www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/727591 and click on BUY.

June 24, 2009

The self and “self”-protection….

by Rod Smith

The deepest recess, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide and connect and have their enduring party

The deepest recess, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide and connect and have their enduring party


One failure of the so-called dysfunctional family (I prefer “higher” or “lower” functioning family) is a family’s inability to protect the emerging self (the sense of self, soul, spirit, inner being, heart) of persons in the family.

Characteristics of the self:
1. It is beautiful (created by God as the unique expression of who you are to the world). Even the “worst” person has, hidden beneath it all, a beautiful self.
2. It is relational (naturally wants to relate and engage). Every act – think about it – is an act of relationship.
3. It is sexual (naturally wants to procreate, build and nurture something larger than its-self). Nothing can be done to escape our gender; it is inextricably woven deeply within and finds expression in everything we do.
4. It naturally desires to engage in worship (naturally wants to ascribe greatness). This explains why BMWs, children, houses are “worshiped.”
5. It is enduring (it doesn’t change much in a lifetime). Parents say things like, “From the day he could walk he’s been a determined person.”
6. It is regenerative (naturally seeks to mend and heal). Like the body is always in a state of regeneration, so is the self.
7. It is resilient (can tolerate and survive enormous pain and suffering). Humans have endured untold horror when it has been inflicted upon them.
8. It is creative (naturally thinks outside its-self) and resourceful. It is the powerhouse (engine room) within every person.
9. It can be fed, trained, encouraged (one person can take better care of a self than another) and can grow.
10. Unfortunately, it can be starved, neglected (can wilt away without nurturing) and can give up the fight.
11. It is the place from within which people are able to want, to express desire; it is the center of desire within us.

Take Up Your Life

Take Up Your Life

Although the self within us all usually has a huge repertoire of protection mechanisms, when and if it is damaged, it is usually slow in healing. While the self is difficult to damage, considering its incredible resilience, it can be damaged. A damaged self displays the impacts of hurt and trauma most vividly in relational difficulties, in matters of closeness and intimacy. The effects of damage and trauma to a self can apparently leave a person quite unaffected regarding distant or impersonal encounters. It is in intimacy, in close friendships, that the damage most vividly reveals its presence. When in relationship, a person with a damaged self will find himself unable to “be him-self.”