Archive for June 11th, 2009

June 11, 2009

He said it isn’t going to work…

by Rod Smith

“My husband is working overseas and I recently gave birth to our second son who is now 4 weeks old. My husband has told me he doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce. He told me this when I was 8 months pregnant. I do love him but he said it isn’t going to work.”

Take up your life

Take up your life

While these suggestions might sound harsh or even uncaring, neither you nor the baby will benefit from a search for his reasons for wanting to end the marriage. Attempting to understand what is going on with him will prove to be a wild goose chase. Resist it. Even if you know the answer it is unlikely you will be able to fix whatever it is that he thinks is broken.

[Reminder: it is impossible to communicate effectively with someone who is already moving away from you. He, in this case, will only hear whatever reinforces his case.]

This does not mean I think the marriage will, or even should, end. He’s the one asking for the end of the marriage, let him deal with that. Your first calling is to yourself and to your child – and this is NOT selfish.

In short, try to separate “what went wrong” from “what must happen now.” Your future is in your hands, not his. Your well-being, and the baby’s well-being, are powerfully attached to your persistent ability to remain calm and non-anxious even in this anxious time. This is very tough to do, but the alternatives (chasing after him, falling apart, losing all sense of who you are in the attempt to get him back) are tougher in the long-term. Find your legs AND stand on them. Find your voice and USE it.

It is essential that you reach out to a support network of family, friends, neighbors, who are able to help you with the baby, the physical issues and adjustments of having just given birth, the legal process of divorce, and custody and financial issues.

Parenting is for adults. Even in the midst of these tough circumstances I believe you will have what it takes to be the parent and to be the parent your child both needs and deserves. Mine the rich reserves, the steel, already placed within you and put it to full use.