I am married to a very jealous man. What can I do to help him?

by Rod Smith

I am married to a very jealous man and, although I am completely faithful, I am accused of all kinds of things all the time. What can I do to help him?

Nothing. Jealousy is an individual pursuit. The one who is caught in its relentless grip is the only person who can address it. If you are a faithful person you must leave him to deal with his own feelings of jealousy and take no responsibility for his feelings at all.

If you try to convince him of your faithfulness, a jealous person will ultimately interpret your convincing as confessions. If you try to placate him, to reassure him, you will only have to repeat all your reassurances the next time he feels jealous (and to a greater extent every time).

Nothing you have done causes your husband to be jealous, and no amount of dancing (submitting) to his pathology (think of jealousy as a virus!) will result in its disappearance. A most unloving response on your part would be to behave as if somehow it is you who makes him jealous. Do not curb your natural, innocent behavior in the fear that it might stimulate his jealousy. Jealousy has already got him; don’t let it get you.

13 Comments to “I am married to a very jealous man. What can I do to help him?”

  1. Rod,
    I really like what you have done with the place! Great look. More inviting.

  2. Well what does he say you do that causes his jealousy?… people often feel its ok for men & women to develop platonic, non romantic, non sexual, no-interest relationships with PEOPLE THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO AS A FRIEND. Now i’m not saying that having a friend of the opposite sex is wrong, but it can be dangerous….. we are creatures of nature, in that i mean we seen to run toward those who bring us comfort, joy, love & satisfaction. I’ve seen all to often where a wife will slip out on her husband & he would never know. My neighbors wife Andrea, beautiful woman had everything going for her, but she would always make these advances toward me… & was serious about them, had i not been married & WITHOUT SPIRITUAL VALUES i would have given in because ultimately that is human nature. I would see her with him, she would be a different person rarely speaking, when he’s away she’s a flirt without letup. Now i’ve fixed a lot things at their home & she would always tell me her husband only knows how to use a cell phone & would laugh about it. (he 42 yo principal of a school that thinks he’s on top of the world… very egotistical). A man (or woman) does not have to be SOOOO confident to be truly loved, everyone is capable of loving toward when facing you, only true love is expressed when the other is not exactly looking at you & if they’re flirting in your presence, they will go further 9 times out of 10 when you’re not looking. Love is accommodating. If you tell your wife, girlfriend, lover that screw driver (he) or she’s poking in your rib hurts, love & consideration for your COMFORT will MAKE HER REMOVE IT & if she doesn’t THAT should tell you a lot about (1) her maturity (2) her self value compared to you (3) the way she feel about you. Talk to your wife, dont divorce her, dont return the evil for evil by flirting with others, that will really crush you because you know its wrong so dont become a lesser man by “paying her back”. Now concerning a girlfriend, you may want to consider a future with someone else because after you marry someone like this she will only get worse after marriage “IF” she’s (1) not mature & (2) see more of your imperfection & gets disgusted with yours, while ignoring her own……. People learn how to choose a real wife, STUDY that like you study a book……… For A capable wife, read Poverbs 31, i mean read it, read it. These things i’ve wrote works for me,
    take care merrell

  3. Hi…

    I just got married in Feb 2008. My husband kept his jealousy a secret for a long time…adn then as soon as we were married, it came out. I can’t go to stores..I can’t go to the mall….now I can’t even talk to other co-workers,, as he thinks I am cheating on him. I live in fear. I don’t want a divorce…..this is my first marriage and I want it to stay that way…but the accusations are destroying me…I am now becoming depressed and not wanting to spend time with my husband for fear of the next “episode”…he is nice one minute and then an hour later he will say things…he changes like the wind. I feel at times I am going crazy. I can’t talk to anyone about this. what do I do?

  4. Dear Kristina,
    I got married in Jan.2008 and I am going through the same situation you are going through. I walk on egg shells, i am scared to death half of the times. When he is normal, he is the most loving kindest man in the world, then he turns into this monster that I fear with all of my heart. I pray that we both can find relief in our situations, I hope that God intervenes and helps us both. Good Bless You. Take Care, Laura

  5. Dear Kristina,
    I have been married now for seventeen years and have two sons i have the same problem as yours he even made me do a lie detector test to prove my innocence. Let me tell you that it is not waiting for the situation to become better and to hold on to a relationship that will in time make you bitter and resentful. My suggestion to you is to leave him while you still have your sanity because i made the same mistake thinking this was my first marriage and i wanted it to stay the same way but unfortunately it will not only you who will suffer but also your children and people around you as well. goodluck!

  6. funny how one side things are…. a man is supposed to understand his wife when she is out there with other men, flirting or in “special” friendships, etc. He is not meeting her emotional needs, needs to be more understanding, try to involve himself and accept her and all that other mess. if it’s the other way around, then then woman is supposed to lay her foot down to the man and give him this ultimatum or leave.. it’s one sided advice. part of loving someone is actively taking steps to make them feel secure in you. i recall reaching a point in a relationship when my lady moved in that i told her to answer all of my phones (some of the calls were old girlfriends, etc.) I wanted to empower her and bring her to the point where she felt secure in me. The home/cell would ring and i would tell her to answer it…She answered my phone for just a short while, then never bothered even asking again…and has never asked about my calls since… that is one of the steps i took to make her secure… at any point in the day, i invited her to show up or come with me regardless of where i was was…if work, meet me on break, whatever… she let that go soon as well… i took active steps to make her feel secure…that’s what you do for someone you TRULY love… it’s called devotion and two people should expect that from each other. the stereotype, however, is that when a man is asking where a woman has been, he is being controlling, possessive, even emotionally abusive…..both individuals in a committed relationship have the right to express those areas of insecurities in a civilized, cordial manner and to have the other side take it seriously… abuse, possessiveness and control enter when the insecure person is not satisfied with the response and then moves to the next step of foolishly thinking that by escalating the matter, they the insecure one can manipulate or influence how the other party behaves. when you have expressed your heartfelt concerns of insecurity and the other side chooses not to respond constructively and/or does not change, that’s it, baby…that’s the person you with… you don’t need to investigate or scope any further. you must then investigate internally and ask whether you should be giving yourself, your heart to this person

  7. Good reply, Getreal. Thanks.

    Rod

  8. WEll What do you do when your husband check s your emails, and deletes ones that he thinks are threating to him. I do not hide any of the emails, all is there for him to see, and he checks them daily to see “what I’m up to”. He also will NOT go to bed before me, he stays up to “watch me” I feel Like I am in a juvenile detention center…I feel like I have a curfew or something, and he watches everything I do. And even if I am honest with him about a male encounter he gets pissed. So sometimes I keep those interactions to myself becasue I do not want to confrontation if I tell the truth.
    What am I supposed to do?

  9. Listen to that little voice inside. It is NEVER wrong. If that voice says run, RUN. It’s going to hurt your heart for a little while, but at least it will never have a chance to hurt you physically. I’m talking morbid jealousy. Look it up.

  10. I think most of you are being very unfair.
    I am one of these ‘jealous men’. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year, and it’s the only thing that causes problems for us in an otherwise perfect relationship.
    I came upon this article whilst searching the internet for help with my problem, which in itself goes to show that it isn’t as simple as most of you are making out. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but this ‘monster’ inside me is impossible to control. I’ve tried to come up with the root of the problem many times, and I think it’s probably to do with past relationship experiences and very high levels of testosterone.
    So yeah, you can all make us guys out to be bastards who have no consideration for our partners, but that isn’t true at all. I for one love my girlfriend so much, and would do anything to change. It’s something uncontrollable and I’m desperate to cure it – the prospect of having to live with these constant feelings, pushing away those that I love, is truly terrifying.

    • Im glad that u have a realized that ur not perfect and want to do something about it my husband thinks he is perfect and will not change at all. i have that little voice that is telling me to run which is a difficult thing to do because I love him so much. the abuse eat at me everyday i have been very loyal to him and will never cheat on him and still don’t understand how i can love him so much and be scared of him at the same time. I feel safer at work than I do in my own home. no one should feel like that. ur getting help for ur jealously and i’m very proud of u congrads….

      • I have been married to my husband for a little over 6months now, and its absolutely miserable. I love him with all my heart. its my first marriage and he has become my whole existence. we met at our workplace I am a very friendly person and people (men and women)tend to automatically like me. My husband on the other hand takes it as flirting. We no longer work together but are still in the same job field, so its worst, being that he cant keep an eye on me anymore. I am not allowed to wear make up, do my hair, or where perfume, because if i do it, it means i am trying to sleep with somebody at work.He checks my phone and email every chance he gets and question me on every call and every text. I would never cheat on him, n i try to convince him about it but nothing works. I do everything he wants me to do, yet he alwasy finds a reason to get upset….it has changed me as a person, i no longer feel happy n enjoy life, i have pushed everybody away so i no longer have friends and i dont ever want to leave him, but i just dont know what to do to make our marriage better. Will counseling help?

  11. I am in the same kind of relationship. my husband is controlling, jealous, and an alcoholic. he has me so scared that i cant even look another guy in the eye not even his friends. When I went to school he always thought I was talking to someone else which I never did. I love my husband but I cant stand living like this any more. his drinking is bad that he drinks 9-12 beers a night, his controlling is causing us to fight all the time. I always tell him that if you would just relax our rrelationship would so much more happier but he just keeps it up. Some times I hate to come home from work cuz I have to walk around on eggshells. I thought I was the only one but when I read some of the stories here it hit home. What can I do I want out but yet I know that he can be a good man. He is so loving when he wants to be but the next sec. he can change….. I am so confussed I dont know what to do. Can someone help me????

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