1. Buy groceries and, after a few days, make a special meal for all to enjoy.
2. If there is a maid, pay her very well when you leave.
3. Schedule some face-to-face time with your hosts each day.
4. Don’t assume the phone or Internet is free.
5. Avoid comparing where you live (politics, economy, crime statistics, way of life) with where you are visiting.
6. Don’t discipline other people’s children, offer your hosts marriage counseling, or criticize the decor.
7. Say “please” and “thank you.”
8. Don’t invade every corner of the home. Clean up after yourself.
9. Don’t insert yourself into every conversation.
10. Create your own schedule but let your host know if you will be home for meals.
11. Realize your hosts probably have to continue with “life as usual” even if you are on holiday.
12. If you are offered use of a car ALWAYS leave it clean and FULL of gas (petrol) even if it was dirty and on empty when you first got the car.
13. Don’t complain about how expensive things are or of the lack of things you are accustomed to having.
14. Don’t ever belittle your spouse, especially in someone else’s home.
15. Leave a gift at the end of your stay.
When you are a guest in someone’s home for a few days (or longer) …
Should I keep quiet?
“My brother and family are visiting from overseas. They have been out a lot and we have not seen much of them. I made a comment about wishing we could see more of our brother. His wife shouted abuse, ‘if there’s a divorce, it will be the fault of this family.’ She took the baby and moved out to her mother. Did I say something wrong? Should we keep quiet to avoid further tension?”
An in-law cannot “cause” a divorce – but your words could provoke exposure of the fault lines that are already in the marriage. So, continue to speak up. Speak directly to your brother and let him know you’d like to see more of him during his visit. Avoid using your sister-in-law to convey what you want to say to your brother. She is “laying eggshells” so everyone will “tread lightly” as she attempts to control her surroundings. As she has probably already silenced your brother (although I do not know this to be true) she is now attempting to silence you or at least keep you in check.
In a day or two I will write simple guidelines regarding how to visit family at “home” if you have chosen to live anywhere overseas.
My daughter is dating an older man…
“My daughter (22) is seeing a man who is 30. He has been married before while she has hardly had a boyfriend. I see him controlling her and this worries me. I know I have no say over her anymore but I stay awake at night watching this unfold and it is all too quick. Please help.”
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That he has been previously married ought not be held against him – unless you, of course, have lived a perfect life.
Hope, goodness, and acts of desperation…
I am thoroughly convinced that there are always reasons to hope. No matter how dire or conflicted the circumstance, no matter how bleak the prognosis, while there is life, and even beyond it, there remain reasons to be hopeful. Like you, I’ve seen hope in action. I’ve seen painful family scenarios, the most estranged of siblings, the most obstinate of personalities, turn, and find previously unimagined degrees of humility, and move in healthier directions.
But of course evil abounds, and it tries to rob us of hope. Of course men and women are capable of inflicting much hurt and destruction. But I believe that the good in this world by far outweighs the evil. There is goodness and kindness and benevolence latent in every man, woman, and child, and I believe it far exceeds an inner desire for hate and destruction.
And while I am well aware that this idea will be considered absurd in some circles, and heresy in others, I’d suggest that when a lonely woman reaches again for alcohol, or the deprived man engages in illicit behavior, or an adult or teenager self-destructs, these behaviors are desperate acts of prayer, desperate attempts at sanity, desperate attempts to relieve pain and even restore hope.
I’ve just got divorced…. do I have to wait…..?
“I am very recently divorced and everyone tells me to wait before getting involved again. My husband and I were married for 10 years but the last five we ‘existed’ in the same house. We were not really married. Doesn’t this count?” (Edited)
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I have learned to get out of the way when someone is set on getting what he or she thinks he or she wants. Go ahead – get involved – it is unlikely you will heed my suggestions anyway.
But, — the aftertaste, the hangover, the unresolved tensions of your 10-year marriage will surface in your new relationship. You will see life differently post-divorce if you allow your eyes and your brain time to re-focus. Now, you are attracted to a man who is not your husband. Given time, you will be attracted to a man simply because of who you have become, and for who he is – I’d wait. I hope you will.
Thanks for writing about spiritual manipulation…
“Thank you so much for your column on spiritual manipulation. I wish we had read this 20 years ago. We have experienced everything that you list and only escaped by the grace of God when we began to read the book of Galatians for ourselves. This phenomenon only occurs when people are at their most vulnerable. We are planning to use this list at our weekly sharing time with our two sons who are in active Christian service. I have been so blessed by your column and everything that I have read has been relevant. However I have been told that you are into “New Age” theology and are an astrologer. I have seen no evidence of this in your column but would so appreciate your comments.” (Unedited)
You’ve made my day – and I am still chuckling at the idea that I am into “New Age” and astrology! “New age” I understand – many are threatened by thoughts they didn’t come up with themselves and some are quick to label, – but no, I am not a proponent of any so-called “new age” theories. I am a “systems” therapist, and a Christian. And, by the way, I think I am a Capricorn, but I have not read my “fortune” in many years.
Ten signs of Spiritual Abuse….
Take Up Your Life
1. “Hears” God for you. God apparently “goes through” him/her to speak to you. (This requires a sense of superiority – from him or her and is often framed as being “more mature,” and a sense of being “less” from you.)
2. Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. (This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.)
3. Suggests that rejection of his/her “higher understanding” is done so at your spiritual or even physical peril. (You will hear things like, “Be careful. You will move yourself from the covering and protection of God.”)
4. Rewards your obedience with inclusion, and punishes your questioning or resistance with withdrawal. (Compliance gets stroked, resistance gets struck!)
5. Demands “cathartic” honesty. Unless you spew out every detail of your life you must be hiding or withholding something (and that “something” will, of course, impede your spiritual development).
6. Lavishes you with praise, acceptance, and understanding when you are “good” and “pushes” you away when you are “bad.”
7. Is apparently fixated on the use of titles like reverend, pastor, elder and cannot appear to relax in the company of “ordinary” mortals. The issue is not in the use of legitimate titles (or robes or religious garb) – it is that identity seems impossible without the titles or the trappings.
8. Leaves a trail of cut-off relationships. Usually in the trail are those who refuse to bow, to submit, to stand in awe of, to be thoroughly entranced by, the will of the pastor, the leader or the friend. Always regard with suspicion or caution leaders who are cut off or alienated from members of their family, especially their parents.
9. Lives from a “for me/or against me,” “black/white,” “all/or nothing” platform of “relationships.”
10. Genuinely sees God’s Call so zealously, so fervently that any signs of resistance are seen as the expressions of The Enemy or an enemy – thus, relationships are expedient (disposable) in the light of getting on with God’s work.
The perpetrators of abuse apparently fail to see that reconciliation, and forgiveness, “space,” and room to move, and room to respectfully disagree (boundaries, morality) are all part of the glorious work of the Gospel. Freedom begins with recognition. Recognition must result in action. Stand up to those who misuse their positions of leadership. Spiritual abuse serves the welfare or neither the perpetrator nor the victim – quite apart from the disservice it does to the church.
(This post is written in honor of “J” in Honolulu – I am sorry for all you had to endure.)
Getting over the hurts of the past
Care runs deep. Its impact endures, penetrates and enhances the heart and the soul. I know it. You also know it. Remember. Re-play the moment when a teacher cared, or a coach encouraged you. Recall the times your parents showed extra care toward you in sensitive moments, and the warmth and the love and the encouragement will come tumbling back into you. The moments of care, of acceptance, of validation will revisit and inspire you once again.
Perhaps even more powerfully, moments of neglect, abandonment, hurt, rejection, and violation can enduringly do their dirty work. Quite without invitation, bad memories can flood back in to debilitate, to re-salt wounds, re-open the scars. And when a memory holds the power to knock you off your feet or land you in an uncomfortable past moment, it ought to be subject to cleansing, evaluation, and sometimes to acts of grace and forgiveness.
It is easier to love when we have been loved. Similarly, hurt people can find hurting others acceptable.
But, we are human.
We are of divine extract.
We can cooperate with our pasts, where our past have been helpful, and, (and here’s the real challenge), we are able to rise above our pasts where our pasts have left us damaged, debilitated, and in pain.
When meeting someone new …. (a potential best friend or partner)….
1. Don’t talk too much. Don’t tell someone whom you have just met any intimate details about yourself (or about others).
2. Remind yourself that it takes years, not minutes or days, to find and make a soul-mate relationship.
3. While there are probably exceptions, regard “love at first sight” as being for teenagers. This will give you a platform of sound and healthy caution.
4. Never give or lend money to someone whom you see as a potential friend or partner.
5. Learn, use, and repeat names. Names are very important to people. Use them.
6. Just as soon as you hear yourself saying things you do not really believe, or you see yourself doing things that are out of character for you – back off. This is a good indication that all is not well.
7. Are you more you, or less you, for having met this person? If you have to silence yourself or monitor your natural behavior when with someone new – you have probably met someone who will not be good for you in the long term.
I want a divorce, she does not….
“I want to know how one can facilitate an amicable divorce when the other party opposes the prospect. We’ve had marital counseling for 6 months. Despite telling the psychologist the past 40 years of our marriage was torture, my wife refuses to accept that we have irreconcilable differences. Our life as a couple is a sham but appears good. She wants us to stay together to maintain an air of perfection. It is purgatory. I am miserable. She is attractive and intelligent so does not need ‘us’ to succeed. I am willing to provide for her and ensure she is secure and comfortable financially. When I broach the subject of divorce, she threatens to protract any divorce proceedings until I die and turn my (adult) children against me. She is more than capable of doing this. How can I be expected to stay with those vindictive threats? How do I leave this toxic relationship without hurting anyone and in particular without losing my children?” (Minimal edits for space)
“Amicable divorce” is possible when mutually desired. Even then, it is tough. You want war without casualties. Hurt is inevitable and inescapable. Your relationships with your adult children, if sound, will weather any storm. Speak your truth to your wife AND your adult children.
