Archive for ‘Womanhood’

August 30, 2025

How to be human

by Rod Smith

Allow yourself to experience your emotions – even the extremes. Don’t cover or hide from your grief. If you are feeling joy, express it. Avoid constructing a wall or barrier between you and your emotions. The day may come when you cannot see over the barrier, let alone climb the wall.

Take time to hear as many “sides” to every story. Don’t rush to judgment. There are usually 7, 8, even 10 sides to every story. Hear them all. Things are often not as they appear. Listeners take all the time needed to hear things out.

As far as you’re capable, go back and make right where you have failed. Often, this may be impossible.  Make a list of your regrets,  determine never to move in those directions again. Learn, recover, learn recover. 

Even if it’s not in your usual habit, try to talk more to people you care about about the things you care about. Don’t rehash hobby horses. Let people into unexpressed parts of your thinking.

Notice your indifference. This is where you’ve been unmoved, unaffected, by things that ought to move everybody, ought to affect everybody. Allow the world about you, near and afar, to have its impact on you. 

One corner of my home office……. you’re welcome here.
August 24, 2025

Meditation

by Rod Smith

You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.

You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people never use it as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.

You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.

Muizenberg, Western Cape, South Africa
October 30, 2024

Are you spiritual?

by Rod Smith

How to measure spirituality

I sometimes hear people of different faiths and denominations proclaiming to be “more spiritual” than others. Here’s a checklist list I hope is helpful.

A so-called “spiritual person”:

-Accepts and respects all people without prejudice. He or she does not allow creed, age, economic status, sexual orientation, or gender, or national heritage to shape his or her opinions or treatment of others.

-Forgives others for real or perceived grievances, yet puts in place necessary measures for future protection.

-Is good with money; understands money and how it works, and yet, at the same time, remains very generous.

-Repairs relationships where repair is possible but remains aware that not all relationships are forever and not all relationship breakdowns can or even can or should be repaired.

-Is free of the manipulation, intimidation, and domination of others and expects others to be similarly free.

-Cleans up quickly – emotionally, psychologically, and in every other way.   

-Takes full responsibility for his or her life.

-Has no interest in power and its trappings, yet is invested in empowering others to live as powerfully as possible.

-Addresses conflicts and problems head-on and as efficiently as possible.

-Chases, pursues no one for anything.

-Has few heroes and takes no victims. 

I’m grateful for our home in Indiana
August 26, 2024

Braver than I…….

by Rod Smith

My sons, both of them, are in love, each with a woman who’d make any dad proud.

The first time I met Nate’s girlfriend I dressed for the occasion and wore a tie that bears a collaged image of both boys when aged about 12 and 8. Thulani’s head resting on Nate’s and they both have broad smiles. I donned the tie with playful snarkiness declaring, with zero subtlety, exactly where Nate belongs.

Harli visited a few days later and won my heart. 

“Open it,” she said handing me a gift.

Treasure fell from the envelope. She’d re-produced the tie with updated images, my sons at 26 and 22, smiling as broadly from another necktie. 

On Fathers Day I woke to this text which I publish with Harli’s permission: 

“Happy Fathers Day, to a man I idolize. You welcomed me into your family with open arms and you single handedly raised two honest gentlemen that are so lucky and grateful to have you. I hope you enjoy your day!!”

The woman has no idea that my most ardent prayer for my sons was always that they learn how to love and that they be gentlemen.  

Thulani met Alaina over a year ago and has gone so far as to purchase a ring. Last Saturday he ordered roses to surround a spot near Bow Street Bridge in New York City’s Central Park. Out for a walk the couple walked by at some distance from the bridge and the flowers caught Alaina’s  attention.

“What if they were there for you,” he said.

On his knees, at the bridge, Thulani popped the question. Cameras rolled and the perfect moment of their shared joy was caught for all to see, you and me, and generations yet unborn. 

From there the couple headed to a restaurant where forty of their friends waited in a reserved private room to welcome them, and welcome them they did! 

Thulani coordinated all of this. 

Alaina knew none of it.

I talked with my daughter-to-be the day after the engagement and I got to feel some of her joy.

Yes, I am looking forward to the wedding. No date is yet set. I am looking forward to their complete fulfillment as husband and wife. Truth be told, I can hardly wait to have at least 5 or 6  grandchildren.

I have enjoyed the run up to this event, rehearsing with Thulani, his speech to request Alaina’s parents for her hand in marriage, the design and purchase of the rings, receiving a most gracious text from my son to declare how he had learned about love from how I have loved him…. 

But, my real joy goes even deeper than all of that, if that is possible. 

My sons are braver than I am.

Even deeper?

My sons have never known their mothers.

Their children will. 

Hallelujah.         

The two ties…..
Thulani and Nathanael

July 12, 2024

The Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: M is for….

by Rod Smith

Meaning

I want my life to count, make a difference, contribute to the greater good, to have MEANING.

I cannot exist in a vacuum, but in a community with persons of similar desires to create something beautiful with the skills, resources, and years that we have at our disposal.

I want to serve a cause that is greater than my own fulfillment.

I want to plant now, so people I may never meet or know or hear of me, may harvest something rich and rewarding in their futures.

The only photograph — I’m aware of — of my mother and me.
January 28, 2024

Eavesdrop

by Rod Smith

Listen to your conversations, yes, eavesdrop on yourself.

I try to do this and I am often embarrassed how regularly I’m on auto-play. I hear the same stuff – the same stories and one-liners – coming out of me over and over again. 

It is as if I am bored with myself and those who are part of the “conversation.”

I don’t like this about me and I don’t particularly like it when I’m caught in someone else’s well-worn loop.    

Sometimes I hear traces of contempt and sarcasm in my conversations.

I am very careful about avoiding swearing and blasphemy, yet there are times I am apparently okay with using words as clubs and bullying others with snarky sarcasm. These verbal habits are surely at least as toxic as possessing a foul mouth.

The gift of thoughtful conversations, where people listen without waiting to talk and people hear what is really being said is something to which I deeply aspire despite what sometimes comes out of my mouth. 

By the way, I am heading to Duban during much of February. 

I would be delighted to speak at your school, church, business, or club – and I promise to watch my mouth. 

Drop me an email if you are interested. 

Let’s see what time permits.

Two new pieces in our home — picked up in Lome, Togo and framed locally.
April 2, 2023

Welcome to a new week…..

by Rod Smith

At the start of a new work week may I offer you encouragement?

Stop hiding who you are behind a desire to be accepted or to fit in. 

Let people know who you are and what you want. 

This does not mean you have to be pushy or overbearing. 

In both strong and subtle ways define yourself. 

Leave little up to guesswork. 

Do this, even if you start in very small and incremental ways, with the people you are close to and to the people whom you love. This may take some people by surprise and even catch them off guard, but the people who love you will be delighted to hear your voice.   

You will immediately begin to feel less anxious when you begin to define yourself. As you advocate for yourself, even in the smallest of ways, you will begin to like what you see and what you feel and think, and you will grow even more beautiful than you already are. If you have been a “I just fit in with others” or “I hate conflict” kind of person you will begin to notice you will have lower levels of anxiety as you reverse your “fit in” and “avoid conflict” tendencies and allow your personality and your wishes to emerge and ultimately shine.

Welcome to a great week.

March 18, 2023

Something a little longer for Sunday….. 

by Rod Smith

One thing I notice about the parables of Jesus and other favorite New Testament events, even Jesus one-liners, is that just as soon as I think I understand the parable, the event, the one-liner, it does a number on me.

Refuses to be conquered.

Reveals I’m scratching the surface in understanding, let alone application.

I know this to be true as I study Jesus’ desert trials, His relationship with Peter, betrayals, the terrors of Gethsemane, The Transfiguration, The Woman caught in adultery, “love your enemies,” to name a few. 

For 10 years (at least) these events in Jesus’ life and many of His sayings have refused to let me go and keep offering me more and more opportunities for understanding and for application.

Who really knows what Jesus meant when he said “a seed must die to bear fruit” (John 12:24) and I am not talking botany?

Every believer worth his or her salt has a go at “unpacking” (my least favorite verb I hear in Christendom) this but I think most attempts at interpretation fail to grasp the larger application of the metaphor, let alone how the “death” occurs and how it applies to you and to me.

 Let me know if you think you know. 

Parables, if we are willing to resist the thought that we already know all there is to know about any one of them, will unfold meaning for years and go deeper and deeper into the willing heart with revelation.

Thinking I know becomes a blockage. My blockage. Time after time reading them I go back to what I already know, which keeps new understanding waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get a moment on stage.

Another thing I find blocks my learning is when I become an insight addict and seek insight and more insight into Scripture but resist or refuse to put the insights into the daily-life action.

Insight, without accompanying action, is not only useless, it blocks further revelation. Then, if I get any insight, refusing to act on what I see becomes a ditch into which my insight tumbles and I become another of millions upon millions of Christains who are incredibly insightful who are very willing to talk, often endlessly, about what they see in whatever be the Biblical topic. And that’s about it.

My gosh, have I met some insightful and loquacious Christians?

Certainty, too, seals shut possibilities of growth and learning. 

It stops discovery. Certainty block’s revelation. 

I find embracing ambiguity and possibility for behavior change opens the floodgates to new understanding and new ways to be in the world.

Understanding Scripture requires change. Transformation. Understanding Scripture will demand it be more than an academic exercise and will seek to influence who and how we are as men and women in our various roles in our various communities and within our families.   

I have read the “Prodigal Son” many many times and have often thought I have a reasonable take on Jesus’ point. My perspectives change if I read it as if I am the Older Brother when my default has always been to read it as the younger, returning son, the “good” guy. When reading the parable from the Older Brother’s point of view I have no problem understanding why he has an issue with the upstart’s return and why he avoids the party. If I read it from the perspective of the Father it doesn’t take long before I am reduced to tears. I think I know that kind of love, at least as much as I am able. My sons have been trying to teach me about it since they entered the world and broke into my heart.

Shifting my point of view when I read “The Good Samaritan” also allows for new insights. I start from the perspective of the “questioning” lawyer. Then I move on through Jesus’ list of characters and end up reading it as the victim who receives assistance from the Samaritan.

When I read it as The Samaritan, I am reduced to tears.

In contrast to the “trained” and the professionals, the ones who should know, the rejected one is the loving one, the one who was never considered a neighbor, the “other,” is the one who goes the extra mile and loves his enemy and models neighborliness.

Have a fabulous Sunday.

May 13, 2020

Prayer upon rising

by Rod Smith

May I…..

  • be a source of healing and not hurt or injury.

  • learn to be more patient and loving with the people closest to me.

  • value other people more than I value things.

  • apologize sincerely and efficiently when I wrong others.

  • learn to respect and love myself without being self-indulgent, self-absorbed or self-centered.

  • be immovable about matters of personal integrity, and flexible and understanding when others do not do what is right and good.

  • learn to switch off or ignore my phone when I am face-to-face with anyone.

  • listen more than I speak.

  • be generous.

  • consistently spend less than I earn.

  • learn to define myself and not others.

  • learn to hold my tongue when tempted to gossip.

  • have growing clarity about what is and what is not my business and the power to mind my own business.

  • keep my word.

  • learn to promote the strengths of others even if it means stepping aside so others may get ahead.

  • learn to live in the present and design a great future rather than dwell upon the way things were or could have been.

January 27, 2018

Lies to girls

by Rod Smith

Lies girls are fed and often appear to believe:

  • Your body is more important than your brain therefore focus on your body, not your brain. Your body will get you further than your brain. Your body is bait. Use it well for a fine catch (riches, status – things you can’t get alone). Other people are more important than you. You are on Earth to serve, particularly all males.
  • Once a husband finds you, your greatest calling is to be a mother. If you have other ambitions you will compromise your mothering. Your only worthwhile ideas pertain to cooking, cleaning, and childcare; leave thinking about sciences, technology, and mathematics to males.
  • Once you are in love you will give up yourself for your husband and your children. This is what love is. You are a half. When you meet a man and marry you will become whole. If you suffer in silence and allow others to use you God will reward you.

Having addressed female audiences in the USA, Southern Africa, and in three Asian countries, I perceive these covert and overt messages to girls remain consistent. Perhaps saddest is that when girls find faith, they often expect God to be the ultimate male, issuing similar messages, demands, and expectations.