April 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
I have had a number of letters about “living together.” With a few edits, here is a column published some years ago….
First, as adults, you can do whatever you both decide. But “living together” is deceptive for both persons. There is no commitment even if you say there is. Commitment is making vows in the presence of witnesses and signing a legal, marriage contact. When either of you can “walk” without legal consequence – there is no commitment.
Try buying a house using the same approach. Tell the bank manager (mortgage company) you want to know if you and the house “click,” are compatible. Tell him you love the house and are very committed. Then tell him you are not ready to sign. The obvious will happen: no signature on a contract, no bond (mortgage) on a house in your name.
Living together is no “trial run” on marriage any more than baby-sitting is the same as rearing a child. If you are not ready for marriage, you are not ready. Living together will not make you ready, nor will it tell you what marriage will be like. People who are willing to live together, even by mutual agreement, offer each other no security – which hardly sounds like love!
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Trust, Victims |
2 Comments »
April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
March 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Someone who loves you will…
- almost always put their cellular phone off when you are together
- not avoid or screen your phone calls or check up on who you have been phoning
- not lie to you
- make eye contact when you speak and listen to what you are saying
- say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot
- not tell you what you need or should do
- seldom mind if you keep them waiting, but will work hard at being prompt for you
- not mind if there are things you’d prefer not to tell them
- usually ask you about your day
- laugh at your jokes even if the jokes are older than your grandfather
- work hard at loving your extended family even if it is only out respect for you
- encourage you to have many close friends
- enjoy seeing you using your skills and talents
- not tell you how to dress
- enjoy working together on the mundane daily tasks of life (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- show appreciation on days other than birthdays, holidays and anniverseries (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- take care of body, mind, and spirit (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- keep the faith with you in hard times (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- have patience not to give up, or leave, when business problems arise (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- have ability to imagine what it’s like in the other person’s shoes before criticizing (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- not try to change you (this and the following 3 are from “Mmmm”)
- remember the little things that matter in your life
- want to know the important people in your life
- introduce you to the important people in his/her life to show you are important
- will do, using the best of his/her ability, tasks that you ask him/her to do, even if he/she doesn’t enjoy the tasks and if they are a hassle or have no promise of any reward (From Joe at funkeemonk.com)
- has integrity, and will not say things just to make you feel better – even if they believe it to be untrue (www.funkeemonk.com/blog)
- will not insist on their way all the time
- will be kind to your friends
- will be careful with your feelings (www.lisamm.wordpress.com)
Posted in Communication, Forgiveness, In-laws, Recovery, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
Notes from a conversation…
“I read and hear a lot of warnings to young men about how to behave with and respect women. I see almost nothing about how young men can also be hurt by women who almost always seem to cast themselves as the victims,” says David (26)
“Tell me more,” I respond.
“More than once I have dated a woman and been very honest and very faithful – while the woman I am seeing is cheating on me behind my back. Then, when it comes out, she assumes a kind of ‘victim mode’ where the man was predatory and she did not know what to do. Then I find out it is not the first time.”
“Why do you think this is not addressed, David?”
“Because it is not cool or manly to admit you have been hurt by a woman. It is not manly to say you were a victim and innocent and felt a lot of pain from what your girlfriend did to you. I wish someone would write and speak about how young men feel after they have been hurt by a woman when they have been innocent and trying to do the right thing.”
(Reconstructed with permission).
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Forgiveness, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
1 Comment »
February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)
Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice |
38 Comments »
January 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
..who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.
..who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, or in taking care of her family, but who is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.
..who does not allow herself to be taken for granted, to be sworn at, to be victimized by anyone, not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or parents.
..who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation and whose relationships are therefore pure and open.
..who is able to articulate her deepest dreams, desires, and fears to those whom she loves, without fearing a response of indifference or rejection.
..who, in the midst of the pressures of work, motherhood and marriage, maintains her unique and powerful voice.
Posted in Attraction, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
This is the season children seem to take center stage, and so much excitement is generated whether people do or do not recognize Christmas. May I be yet another voice issuing a few simple words of caution at a time often associated with parties and all that often comes with seasonal celebrations.
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Remember the adage that less is more – your presence (availability, good humor, affirmation, listening) with and to your family and friends is probably more valuable than even your most carefully selected, expensive presents.
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You need never be a passenger in any vehicle where you think the driver has had too much to drink.
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No gift is really a gift if the giving of it puts you and your family into short or longterm debt.
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Fidelity, truth, openness and freedom are the greatest gifts you can offer your spouse.
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Love, and any form of controlling behavior (jealousy, pettiness, shutting each other out) cannot co-exist in the same relationship.
Last night when I said good night to Nathanael (my almost-5-year-old son) he sang: “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, underneath his messy toes last night.”
Peace, joy, and thanks to who read You and Me.
Posted in Communication, Trust, Voice |
4 Comments »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
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