April 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
Family meetings!
The following are pointers (two are enough) to suggest you could use therapeutic help with your family, relationships, and your faith:
1. Being part of your family feels mechanical, rigid. You feel locked in – you are an actor in someone’s play and you don’t particularly like your assigned role.
2. No matter how hard you try, things (tensions, roles, anxieties, problems) stay the same. Faces and circumstances modify over the years but the stresses and the issues remain constant.
3. At family holidays (Christmas and Thanksgiving most intensely) you feel pressure about where to be. You are the rope in a tug-of-war.
4. You feel intimidated when speaking with your parents about anything meaningful even though you are an adult. You knees get weak at the thought of engaging your parents about substantial matters.
5. Old arguments often resurface; minor disagreements seem monumental – there’s little sense of proportion and little things are blown up into huge issues.
6. You find it easy to talk about your parents but find it difficult to talk to them. You’re loaded with material about them but feel silenced when it comes to taking with them.
7. Feelings of loyalty and disloyalty can rage within and you feel pressure to compromise your integrity with your family of origin (parents, siblings, grandparents).
8. Your career and family life interfere with each other. It seems as if you can’t have both with any degree of success.
9. New relationships get intense very quickly (becoming sexual, manipulative, or controlling) despite genuine attempts to make things different “this time.”
10. You enthrone (make saints) and dethrone (make sinners) people rather rapidly. Your heroes quickly prove fallible and you are disappointed once again.
Call me / Skype me (RodESmithMSMFT) / Email me – I can probably help you or steer you to someone who can.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 31, 2011
by Rod Smith
Edwin Friedman – a pioneer in family therapy, writer, teacher, and rabbi and who was trained by Murray Bowen who is considered the “father” of family therapy and “Bowen Theory” – wrote about helping couples to separate, establish space, maintain individuality and secure room to breathe and room to move in order to help the couple avoid radical separation (divorce) in their future. Friedman suggested sometimes couples were “too close” meaning that everything done one or both persons seemed to unsettle or rock the world of the other or both.
Identifying couples who are “fused” or who are too close:
1. Every thought, move, glance, blink of the eye, every gesture is interpreted to mean something by the other person and the meaning is usually negative.
2. Mind reading is at its most intense. What is damaging is that what is “read” or interpreted is believed as fact. “I know exactly what you are thinking when you look at me like that.”
3. There’s no room for change or growth because there’s no emotional “wiggle room.” If one person is convinced that he or she knows exactly what the other person will do and will think there is no room for anything new to occur.
I have named these writers to facilitate reading beyond this column.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Schnarch, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice |
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March 29, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I struggle with what I told the little one’s in my family of the death of their young and vibrant ‘Aunt L.’ She had been really sick and took her own life in the end. I just could not tell these little one’s that she committed suicide – how would they understand, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years old. I just told them she got sick and she died – her body and her spirit were tired. I am so afraid of them finding out the truth one day. We all have continued to grieve our loss. All of the children attended the funeral and memorial services and we all take an active role in remembering her life. But how do you explain suicide of a very close loved one to a child?”
Your chidren will understand
Of course what you faced was difficult and, once the children are old enough to know the truth, I believe they will understand the reasons you have said what you have said. Suicide is perhaps the strongest and most powerful form of prayer I have ever encountered – giving ultimate relief in dying, what seemed impossible while living. “Aunt L”, I believe, has found in death what she could not find in life.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 28, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Tell the truth, even to young children, as lovingly and directly as possible.
2. Avoid meaningless nonsense like “uncle has gone to America” – use words like “he died” and “dead.” “Gone away” or “passed away” are meaningless terms and only add to confusion.
3. Avoid nonsense like “God needed a helper and so God took your aunty.” Not only is this theological claptrap, it is likely to make a child wonder how an all-powerful God can need a beloved relative in Heaven more than a helpless child needs the same person on Earth.
4. Allow grief and mourning to freely occur for you and the child. Crying and wailing is helpful in the light of loss – stopping it up, blocking it, holding it in, will only allow natural grief to fester and transform into something unhelpful (anger, resentment) in the future.
5. If a child does not appear to be upset, don’t push the child toward your own grief. Allow the child to handle loss in his or her unique way.
6. I am of the opinion that it is helpful for children to attend funerals and to see the body. Of course I am aware that there are many who disagree and, of course, there are exceptions which include violent deaths, suicides, and so forth.
Posted in Anxiety, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence |
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March 22, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My sister and her husband constantly belittle our lives. We, my husband and I, are not as wealthy, we are not as successful in our careers, but at least we are 100% honest. While they are not blatantly dishonest they do make their living in questionable ways that and it pays them very well. The point is that my husband is now disinclined to spend time with my extended family. Do I speak up or just suffer in silence? Do I insist my husband joins me at family events or do I go alone and make an excuse for him?”
Suffer in silence? Never. Speak up? Of course you speak up. I’d suggest you gently tell both your sister and her husband (together) your truth. Tell them whether they are able to hear you or not. Since their “questionable” pursuits are none of your business, I’d suggest they are not worth mentioning.
Attend any family event you want whether your husband wants to go or not. Don’t push him. Don’t determine his level of involvement with your family or allow him to determine yours. If anyone wants to know where he is or why he is not with you suggest that person ask your husband his or her questions directly.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Triangles, Voice, Womanhood |
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January 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
Who shows the most health and freedom?
interest in the Science of Family Therapy. Here are a few key words to guide any reading to stimulate further interest in at least one of many approaches:
Murray Bowen – is considered one of the pioneers;
Genogram – a diagram of a family usually starting with immediate family or “family of origin”;
Space – the distance between and among people;
Under- and over-functioning – playing more than your own role or doing less than your role deserves or requires; Anxiety and chronic anxiety;
The human need for autonomy;
The human need for intimacy;
Differentiation of self;
Cut-offs, fusion;
Mutuality; respect;
Invisible loyalties – the often irrational and rational loyalty among family members;
Low- and high-functioning individuals; low- and high-functioning families.
Keys to change in a family (if change is indeed possible):
Change in a family often comes from first identifying the most self-differentiated person in the family. This person is challenged by the therapist to move his/her life toward greater levels of health and integrity, despite the cost and the sabotage that will naturally result. Family resistance to change is to be expected. When some seek greater health there will be “push back” from those who benefit from the status quo.
Posted in Anxiety, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice |
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January 26, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My daughter is living with her fiancé. He has a nine-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The girl has no respect for my daughter. My daughter and her fiancé argue about caring for his child. Now his daughter wants to live with her dad because her mom who does not work yells at her all the time. She is already living with them 3-4 nights a week. My daughter and her fiancé have a 1 year old and another ‘on the way.’ He expects my daughter to take his daughter to and from school and to all of her activities while also taking care of two babies. She cannot do this. He has told my daughter that he will always put his daughter first over her. Is my daughter legally responsible for doing this?”
This must be faced.....
owe all of the children (including the one “on the way”) an honest discussion about marriage, child-care, the involvement of the former wife in the life of her daughter, and much else. I’d suggest you do not rescue your daughter or the children by functioning over and above the call of any sane, loving mother and grandmother. Attempts to “save” your daughter will prolong the couple’s avoidance of issues that ultimately must be faced.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Triangles, Voice |
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January 7, 2011
by Rod Smith
He or she who enables
1. Lies, covers-up, runs interference, for the enabled.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded with responsibility for the enabled.
3. Feels like he or she is living more than one life each day; as if the choices (good and bad) of the enabled are his or her responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – bears anxiety about choices made by the enabled.
5. Seems unable to see the “self” as disconnected to the self of the enabled, and will often see this connection as “oneness” or love, or a soul-tie, or the “oneness of marriage” making the enabling somehow inescapable.
He or she who empowers
1. Learns to allow others to speak for themselves (“I will not lie for you. If you have to call in as sick when you really are hung-over you will have to make that call yourself.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible to others and for others.
3. Learns to allow most choices (not all) of those he or she loves and their consequences to run their course.
4. Learns to distinguish between helpful pain, useful anxiety, and what is and is not legitimate cause for concern.
5. Works at healthy, necessary separation, even while being married, in love, or having soul-ties.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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January 4, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My wife does our son’s homework. Our son (14) gives her his few ideas and she takes them and puts them into complete answers. Since everything is typed I don’t think the schoolteachers are aware. Our daughters also did this until they themselves saw that it was not helpful and weaned their mother off their homework. Our son is less motivated and is unlikely to follow his older siblings. He chastises his mother if he doesn’t get a perfect score. If I try to intervene I am told I do not understand. She says she is ‘modeling’ something and that he is learning by watching her. I say she is enabling his laziness. Please help.”
They will ultimately untangle
presenting his mother’s work as his own – I must believe that your wife has been suckered into doing more than she perhaps at first anticipated. While I know you have not said as such, I am aware of how these “help” sessions grow and how the pressure from a child to a parent can steadily increase. Your beliefs are well known. Try to stay out of it and your wife and son will ultimately untangle. If you intervene you will be polarized. Let them dance until one of them drops.
Posted in Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Triangles |
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January 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
There are some things a person simply cannot do for or to another person, no matter how much commitment there is, how noble are the goals, how much effort or determination is involved, or how significant the need.
This is especially true when people are in love, a condition where people are most inclined to believe in their power to change another person.
It is impossible to make another person:
1. Be happy or fulfilled, angry, change, succeed or fail.
2. Become healthier. (This does not mean that two people cannot work toward their individual health together. It means that one person cannot make another person grow in any manner.)
3. Love you, want you, need you, miss you, or trust you.
4. Love, want, need, miss or be glad to see someone else.
5. See, feel or think in a certain manner for an enduring period.
6. See the light, or get some sense into their lives.
7. Lose or gain weight, save money, want or not want sex.
8. Use or stop using drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or bad language.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust |
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