Archive for ‘Step parenting’

April 25, 2011

Children and happiness

by Rod Smith

“I see my first responsibility, as a parent, is to make my children have a happy childhood so they can have a happy life. Please comment.”

Good luck. While it is a nice ideal you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Your children’s happiness is ultimately their responsibility and not yours. The sooner they assume it the better.

If you, the parent, work hard at your own life and make the very best of your skills and talents it is more likely that you will have children who will do the same.

If you focus all of your attention on your children and on trying to make them happy it is likely you will create insatiable, demanding, and entitled men and women who are more than a challenge to all who know them.

Of course I am not suggesting parents ought to intentionally create tough lives in order to amplify challenge – this would be ridiculous.

I’d suggest you focus on providing a loving and challenging platform for your children to achieve well in all areas of their lives and get out of their way as much as possible.

Success, and reaching for success, is what results in fulfillment. I’d take “fulfillment” or “useful” or “purposeful” over the illusive state called “happiness” anytime.

January 16, 2011

What is it going to take to “man-you-up”?

by Rod Smith

“I was divorced 4 years ago and have daughter (7) who lives with her mother. I have been living with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a son (2). I knew my girlfriend before I got divorced and she had a good relationship with my daughter.  After we moved in together she started disliking my daughter. Now that I have gained more access to my daughter my girlfriend does not like it. She says she is too young to accept all of this but it’s been already four years. She knew I had a child before we started dating. I will not choose my girlfriend over my child again. What do I do?”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Look at YOUR choices

This is not your girlfriend’s problem. It is yours.

What it is about you that you would leave a marriage and immediately move in with another woman, giving yourself no time to assess your first failed marriage? What is it about you that you’d bring yet another child into another unstable context with a woman with whom you’d not discussed joys and challenges of co-parenting your daughter?

Addressing these questions might begin to “man-you-up” (get you some backbone) so that you might begin to take more responsibility for yourself and for ALL your relationships.

 

December 6, 2010

A dozen ways to know your teenager is growing up…

by Rod Smith

He or she:
1. cleans his or her room
2. voluntarily gets a haircut
3. saves money
4. stops blaming everyone for anything
5. takes full responsibility for his or her decisions
6. greets you with kindness
7. stands up for himself or herself without compromising others
8. demonstrates healthy boundaries by choosing friends who are good for him or her
9. has plans for her life that stretch beyond the next few days
10. reads books and newspapers by choice
11. can engage in a meaningful discussion about world events
12. is assertive without being pushy and demanding

October 21, 2010

Single mother writes: thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles…..

by Rod Smith

Lake Geneva, Switzerland

“Thank you on behalf all my many single mother friends for the article published yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles. Thank you understanding the many roles we play and the many difficulties we overcome because of our love for our children. Thank you for noting it is near impossible to have a romantic social life as solo parents. Thank you for listing and understanding what women do not need in a potential partner or in friendly advice. I am 50 and the mother of two sons whose fathers disappeared when the going got tough.

“I have been a single mom for 32 years, and despite the challenges, long hours, and little thanks associated with the job of single mom, I have been blessed to have my sons and love them dearly. I am also proud of having still managed to forge a career, own my home, a car, and travel the world. I have recently studied to become a Life Coach. I just sit with the thought that my children did not chose to be born and hence, are entitled to the best Mom and woman I can be. One thing I know is that my son’s will make wonderful Fathers.”

August 19, 2010

You probably can be a parent AND have a life of your own

by Rod Smith

Bravely begin claiming back your life

Bravely begin claiming back your life

Over-parenting can be as damaging as child neglect. While I am aware of this somewhat harsh generalization, I cannot help but call to mind the many over-focused parents I have met who, in the name of parenting, lost their lives to their children and in the process, all but consumed their children. Such parents are usually taken aback when the children fight back in a desperate search for room to breathe. If you identified yourself in yesterday’s column and would like to move toward a more healthy position, here are a few initial, or small step, suggestions:

1. Announce your insight about your propensity to over-parent to your spouse (or, in the absence of a spouse, to a few trusted close friends) and declare your desire to give everyone around you more room to move.
2. Do not be afraid – if this is at first even possible. Establishing space and healthy separation will not damage your child. Not doing so might. You are not rejecting your child. If you’ve been over-parenting it is likely your child desires some space even if he or she appears to resist your moves toward some independence. Children are as resistant to change as most people.
3. Forge personal interests unrelated to your child. Fake your enthusiasm if you have to, but get involved in something outside of the home. Come on! Think. You did have a life before you had a child. Reach out to it.
4. Reconnect with old friends to reestablish a community of support. Be careful, initially, to avoid other child-obsessed parents as you try to break your addiction to your child.

5. Make a priority to invest time in the relationship with your spouse. I believe that children are happier when they know that their parents do not depend on the children being happy, but rather that the parents’ relationship is strong. (Added by Vincent Randy)

August 18, 2010

Are you good for your children?

by Rod Smith

Here are 7 signs you might be too close or over-parenting your child (or children):

Have surrendered your power to your child?

1. Your child is central to all your conversations. Every conversation, no matter how initially unrelated, ultimately includes or returns to the topic of your child.

2. You deeply desire to be your child’s friend and so you avoid difficult issues, necessary conflicts and confrontations.

3. You find yourself in the middle, trapped between your partner and your child, your ex and your child, teachers (coaches, mentors) and your child, your parents and your child. You are a self-appointed shield and therefore attempt to fend off essential opportunities for helpful pain and growth, necessary for all children to become healthy adults.

4. Your child is the stake in the ground to which you are tethered and around which you function. Everything is about your child, all of your social life (if you have one at all), your interests, activities; everything is focused around your child.

5. Your primary adult relationship (with your spouse or partner – you might have forgotten that this is in fact your primary relationship) sometimes gets in the way of your role with your child and almost all of the time you choose your child and feel guilty if you do not.

(Tomorrow: Steps to healthy parent-child separation)

July 20, 2010

He’s (She’s) divorced! How can I know he’s (she’s) ready to date…..

by Rod Smith

How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…

1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.

It MUST get rough to get better

It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....

4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.

July 9, 2010

Flying with children – 10 ways to make it to cloud 9!

by Rod Smith

Flying with children? It’s a pleasure – usually. Long hauls, short hauls – bring it on. I accessed our multiple frequent flyer accounts, having just gotten home to the Midwest (USA) from Sydney, Australia, to see my sons (8 and 12) and I have up racked up well over a million miles – and most of it as a family. My elder son had Premier Executive status with United Airlines by age 2.

If you and your children are flying anywhere this summer here are some ways to make flying with children a delight:

Ohare and my boys....

1. Anxiety is contagious – so relax. Get your focus off your children. Quit worrying about how they will behave, whether the baby will cry or not, and all the things that so easily get a parent going. Worrying upsets children. The calmer you are, the calmer your children will be.

2. Trust your children. By age seven each of my sons could find his way around several terminals, check himself into a flight, handle his passport, and respond to questions from customs and immigration officials. My sons have not had to do any unaccompanied flying, but I have used endless hours in airports, often during unexpected layovers around the world to teach them everything they need to know about being international travelers.

3. Trust most of your fellow passengers. You’re sitting in airports and on planes with parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts – people who don’t know your children but who know children. Recruit help when you need it. As a single dad I had to regularly ask someone to hold the baby while I ushered my toddler to the restroom.

4. Trust the flight crew. I am yet to encounter an unfriendly flight attendant when it comes to my children. Flight attendants have taken my children on walks, entertained them in the galley, and yes, even quite recently have taken them into the cockpit!

Nathanael seated across the aisle

5. Regard flying as an exciting slice of real life – not something tedious and overwhelming. It’s a joyous adventure, not a life-sentence! It’s only as big a deal as you make it.

6. Get over the uptight, sighing, dirty-stare passenger who feels above flying near a baby or with children. Your children have as much right to fly as any other ticketed passengers. If Mr. Grumpy World Traveler is bemoaning your child’s presence on a plane, imagine what he’s like at home with his children.

7. Don’t medicate children for your convenience – on or off the plane. Doing so will probably work against you one day.

8. Teach you children cabin etiquette and how things work – just as you teach good hygiene and table manners. Overhead lights, window shades, upright seatbacks, fold-down tables, using call-lights, seat belts, and the uses and rules associated with each are very interesting to young children – the sooner the children know cabin etiquette the better.

They've seen the world, but LOVE Indy!

9. Let your children speak for themselves. My children regularly ask to switch their kid’s meal option for an adult meal – and usually end up with both! They repeatedly ask how many hours are left in the flight, or what city is immediately below us, and personal questions about the captain. Don’t get in the middle or run interference. Flight crews, often also parents, can handle your children and a whole lot more. Trust them.

10. As far as it is possible, only use carry-on baggage. This speeds progress though airports and increases flexibility when there are flight changes or cancellations. Efficiency means less time and opportunity for moodiness! From as young as possible (I chose 6), let each child be fully responsible for his or her own possessions. Each of my boys packs his own bag, monitors its whereabouts at all times, and is fully responsible for getting it on and off the plane. I don’t allow my children to pack their things in my bags and nor do I put my stuff in their bags. I do not allow them to help each other out with their luggage. Such “helping” is not helpful as it only adds to confusion and finger-pointing when things go missing or, if for any reason, stress levels increase.”You pack it, you care for it, you carry it” – is one of our many mottoes.

(Rod Smith, a single parent to two boys each adopted at birth, teaches internationally for Youth With a Mission in the summers, and at St. Richard’s School in Indianapolis during the academic year. Rod is a Family Therapist, writer, and teacher.)

January 4, 2010

She defends their actions and yells at me…..

by Rod Smith

“It’s the sugar, hunger, or being tired that causes the my girlfriend’s children’s outbursts. It is never that ‘mom’ argues with her children and any threat of punishment never ever happens. My daughter is now refusing to be around us, wondering how and why she has to behave while my girlfriend’s children are allowed to be monsters. It’s about to end our relationship. I have sat in public too many times embarrassed by their behavior. It is sad but I am being asked to help her in controlling her children but when I do she defends their actions and then yells at me! I tell her if she’d treat her children the way she treats me her problems would be solved!” (Minimal edits)

Get out of the middle...

I have seen this all too often – and, I have seen myself do the same thing. It is illogical and unreasonable, but children often wield disproportionate power with parents and it seems more often so with single parents. The parent is often blind to unhelpful parenting behaviors while the “errors” are glaring for all who look on. Yet it remains a road to ruin when an “outsider” (even if you are the significant other) becomes involved in correcting another’s children – even, believe it or not, when such help is requested.

November 16, 2009

“Un-spoiling” a child is not easy….

by Rod Smith

Size matters...

Size is all-important in a family. I’ve seen many families where the children are “bigger” than the parents. The children’s needs, wants, and desires appear to determine almost everything. The parents’ needs are continually ignored while every desire the children become the parents’ marching orders.

Of course parents willingly sacrifice for their children, but in families with “super-sized” children, the imbalance becomes burdensome.

I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships.

Such toxic parent/child binds can drain all the enjoyment out of family life.

When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly.

“Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task: it is better not to worship children in the first place.