May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
Is it okay to hate my mother? She is loud, inappropriate, pushy, and demanding. I know I can’t change her but I must be able to change how guilty I feel about not being happy to see her. She barges into our house. She talks crudely to my children. She is mocking of any attempts to talk on any meaningful level. I am a single mother of two teenagers.
Hate is an emotional toxic spill
You may break the law, set your house on fire, and even abandon your children.
As long as you are able and willing to face the consequences, you can do anything you want.
Of course, not everything you are able to do is helpful, wise, or accompanied by helpful outcomes. This is something we are repeatedly told as children and sometimes fail to learn even as adults.
So – yes, you are free to hate your mother. The consequences of doing so are unlikely to be helpful to you. Hating anyone is usually harmful to the one who does the hating, but hating a parent, is especially personally damaging.
Hating a parent erodes essential, vital, invisible connections that help us all to remain somewhat sane.
Hating anyone allows the hate to do a number on our insides. It distorts our responses, reactions, perceptions, and attitudes to ALL other people, and not only our relationship with the person whom we have chosen to hate.
The hate may be targeted; the results are generic. Hate is an emotional toxic spill. It ruins the host more than the victim.
While your mother’s repertoire is jam packed with unattractive themes, hating her will ultimately destroy you, burn your house down (figuratively, of course) and alienate you from your own adult children.
You will move toward greater, and real love for her if you increase your capacity to be rejected by her and stand up to her and refuse to be her victim. Do not give your mother free passage to pollute your family yet, at the same time, offer her some manner in which to remain connected with you on terms that are acceptable to you.
Yes, hate is an option, but it is not an option that will result in the kind of growth (not all “growth” is helpful) within you that will be helpful.
Walking powerfully toward her (initiating, defining, declaring, welcoming, clarifying) will empower you with ALL other people.
You are no longer a child. Use your adult voice and do not allow her to manipulate, dominate, or intimidate you. Strive for an equal, mutual, respectful relationship with your mother so that she will learn how to behave herself when she is with you and your family.
I know this is a tall order, but the results, of even failed attempts on your terms, will result in the kind of empowering and growth you want, rather than lead you ever deeper into the shame you are already feeling.
Rejecting her will diminish you. It will rob you of your voice. It will enlarge her power to dominate and control you.
If you hate your mother she won’t have to barge into your house to upset you, she’ll be living in your head, even if you never see her or have nothing to do with her.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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April 23, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I have been an unfaithful wife and my husband is tired of it. He has given me a fresh start on three or four occasions but this time he refuses. He says his trust well is empty and that he has to move on with his life. How do I convince him that one more chance is all I need? Please help.”
Take responsibility for your actions
to be taking an option necessary for his well being. I’d suggest you move full force into recovery from serial infidelity.
Unfaithfulness can hardly leave you with good feelings about yourself and I’d suggest you get professional help to delve into its origins in your life.
While his actions are painful for you, I’d suggest he has not had a painless journey.
If your husband were consulting me I’d attempt to solicit from him the level of his desire to remain married. Given any suggestion that he’d prefer to stay married, I’d encourage him to embark on an extended separation to allow you to get your troubled house in order.
Unfaithfulness is an individual pursuit. There’s nothing anyone can do to make you unfaithful. It’s not your spouse or any of your multiple cohorts. It is you who needs the help – get it. Allow him, in the mean time, to do whatever it is he needs to do.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex matters, Space, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 29, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I struggle with what I told the little one’s in my family of the death of their young and vibrant ‘Aunt L.’ She had been really sick and took her own life in the end. I just could not tell these little one’s that she committed suicide – how would they understand, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years old. I just told them she got sick and she died – her body and her spirit were tired. I am so afraid of them finding out the truth one day. We all have continued to grieve our loss. All of the children attended the funeral and memorial services and we all take an active role in remembering her life. But how do you explain suicide of a very close loved one to a child?”
Your chidren will understand
Of course what you faced was difficult and, once the children are old enough to know the truth, I believe they will understand the reasons you have said what you have said. Suicide is perhaps the strongest and most powerful form of prayer I have ever encountered – giving ultimate relief in dying, what seemed impossible while living. “Aunt L”, I believe, has found in death what she could not find in life.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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January 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
80,000 online views
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
(November 2006)
Tell me your story. I am listening:
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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December 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“In an article you wrote regarding a wife supporting her husband’s therapy with an addiction specialist for his (the husband’s) sporadic but serious bouts with alcohol, I was concerned that you didn’t mention Al-Anon to the wife. Wherever this person is living, there is an Al-Anon group.
“The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcohlics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
“Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organisation, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
“Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.”
Thanks for this reminder. I trust the woman who wrote the initial letter will see your wise suggestion.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Recovery, Responsive people |
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December 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
"Love you enemies" (Jesus)
, humane (able to be compassionate, to feel, think, plan, embrace your own pain and the pain of others) is a constant challenge in an environment that repeatedly attempts to dehumanize, objectify, and knock the humanity out of you.
Every murder, death of a child, every act of violence anywhere, ought to immobilize humanity, bring the world to its knees, ought to stop everything as we shudder at the ramifications of what we can do to each other. Every act of betrayal, act of gossip, act of physical and spiritual aggression ought to horrify us. But of course, through bitter, repeated experience, we become inured to all but the most immediate horror – that which impacts us very directly.
Yet, we are affected. We are all lessened by the moral chaos, terror, the violence, put-downs, rejections, rumors, gossip, thievery, and the evil that is rampant everywhere.
Yet the challenges of the Saints remain: do not return evil for evil; be generous in a world that is often not; be hospitable; do good to those who are not good. Love your enemies. No, not tolerate your enemies, love your enemies.
Trying to embody these humane values keeps us “foolish” and human.
Oh, what a joy results when our humanity prevails and rises above the conniving, the betrayal, the physical, emotional, and spiritual violence, the hardness, in our surroundings – each of which might just as easily consume us, render us inhumane.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Education, Faith, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 11, 2010
by Rod Smith
Every now and again a real hold-in-your-hands Mercury newspaper finds its way to Indianapolis and I eagerly turn the pages. I read the news and marvel at the prices you are paying for stuff. As has been always so, I LOVE “The Idler” (it was my first real reading when I was a child) and then I see this column.
Seeing it. Reading it, evokes a few responses I’d like to divulge:
I’m humbled and honored. To occupy this prime position is a great honor, one that I do not take lightly.
I am thrilled to bring my perspective on families, relationships, therapy, and mental health to you.
I am delighted to be repeatedly informed of You and Me sightings on refrigerator doors, school bulletin boards, hospital notice boards, and in Church newsletters. What a delight.
But the real joy surges when a reader writes of how You and Me helped change his life or when a woman writes that she is learning to stand up for herself, speak her mind, declare he boundaries, I am reminded of the real reason I love writing You and Me.
Next week I will be write from two wonderful European cities: Amsterdam and Geneva – where I will be speaking for Youth With A Mission (YWAM).
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Recovery |
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July 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
Community is costly - if it is to be authentic - it's more than sharing a few meals and tea!
, as in “we are starting an ‘Acts 2 thing’ at our church” tends to be is idealized. I wonder how long the Acts community lasted without severe conflict? We tend to hear about intentional communities when they are doing really well, or when they break up, or break away or split from the founding organization.
Have you noticed stories about communities always seem to portray groups that are be better, stronger, and wiser, or more blessed than the one you are in? Either that, or you read the account of what has occurred in some Christian community and fall on your knees with thanksgiving that whatever happened occurred somewhere else.
Leadership: It is not the leader’s (or group of leaders’) responsibility to make community more real, stronger, more fun, or more authentic, although the community will naturally place pressure on the leaders to do so. More Scrabble, more Pictionary, pitch-in dinners, and more communication will not do it. There is this
Take full responsibility only for your own life.....
tenaciously held belief that if leaders would just make it possible for people to “hang out” more, share more meals, play more games, and do more work projects then “more” community would result. A leader’s fundamental responsibility is to take care of his / her own growth and maturity – and try to lessen his or her focus on the people or the team or the “thing” he or she is trying to grow. It’s got to grow on its own or it won’t grow at all.
Community emerges when individuals authentically invest in diverse relationships, enjoy healthy personal boundaries, discuss (over an extended time) what they want as individuals and as a group, and mutually invest in the process of achieving what it is they say they want. There are no perfect communities. There are growing people in places where people are learning together about and growing into supportive and vibrant community.
Twelve signs of a healthy community
1. There is focused chaos. The organism is filled with activity as all pursue shared and individual goals with varying degrees of interest and intensity.
2. There are regular, often intense, conflicts over resources like rooms, cars, busses, schedules, and washing machines, washing powder, driers, refrigerators, kitchens, and copy machines.
3. There are frequent tussles over new vs. old, loud vs. soft, younger vs. older, traditional vs. contemporary, “experienced” vs. “inexperienced” and over what does or does not constitute healthy, respectful fun.
4. There are leaders, but it can be hard to tell exactly who they are. Leadership in a healthy community is not about age, experience or hierarchy, but about who understands what is needed of a particular leadership role, and at a particular time. In other words, the recognized leaders may “disappear” when person better equipped at a particular task steps up. Real leaders, also being good followers, can be led when necessary and so the community might sometimes forget whom the appointed leaders are. The same applies to teachers and teaching.
5. There are regular, natural celebrations that occur in spite of a leader’s desires to inspire such celebrations. In a healthy community a leader will often feel out of control, especially when it comes to celebrations.
6. There are times when it seems impossible to get all the key people together at one time, and so the persons in leadership of different groups and projects continually embrace compromise and approximation. People are not punished for their unavailability but supported for their continued work toward the greater goals of the community. In healthy communities there is on focus on punishment or banishment.
7. The weak members of a healthy community are embraced, accepted and challenged, but they do not set (or sabotage) the agenda even though they will quite naturally attempt to do so. Strength and vision set the agenda and the weak are challenged to grow and mature and heal and become strong rather than they are encouraged to hold back the communities natural growth.
8. Like faith, hope and love, negotiation, conflict and competition are always with us, and the greatest of these is approximation.
9. Flexibility is highly valued internal quality in all the members of the community. Flexibility comes from within and cannot be forced upon another.
10. Empathy and consensus are nice ideals, and they are encouraged, but they do not “carry the day.” Empathy has it legitimate place but tends, in my opinion, to be over-rated. I believe challenge is more useful than is empathy, and while healthy communities are also to be empathic communities, empathy is not the reason for its existence. Consensus is often the cop-out (“we just couldn’t come to a reasonable consensus – so we tabled the decision again”) when leaders lack nerve.
11. In healthy communities, all people’s views and voices are valued, but of course, not all are given equal power or weight. Weight (power) to an idea or a decision is given by how much responsibility a person holds and what their investment is in the organization.
12. In a healthy community, responsibility and authority go hand-in-hand.
Community killers
1. Gossip.
2. Dark alliances (hurtful inside jokes, negative labeling, boo-hoo-ing, mumble-mumbling).
3. Random (and specific) acts resulting from minimal or chronic anxiety.
4. Specific (and random) acts of sabotage.
5. Rigid rules about amoral issues, rituals, or programs.
6. Being “nicer than God” by accepting damaging or malicious behavior because we want to be
nice or inclusive.
7. Triangle-ing (cornering, trapping, coercing).
8. Speaking out of two sides of the same mouth.
9. Confusing worry with love and love with worry.
10. Confusing tolerance (putting up with someone) with love.
11. Under-functioning (by abdicating your role so someone else fulfills it) or by over-functioning (by doing someone’s job or occupying someone’s role to be sure it gets done).
12. Interfering in the relationships of others.
13. Insisting others embrace you point of view.
14. Being unwilling or unable to relate to people who do not agree with you.
Pseudo-community is exhausting. Authentic community is hard work can be very rewarding, even exhilarating. Do your part in being a healthy member of your community – or move on to a place where you can. This does not necessarily mean leaving. Reassessing your role and function in your community will bring you greater health.
Community Enhancers
1. Focus on your own growth and maturity.
2. Get out of the way of others and their conflicts – get out of the crossfire and give them
the joy of dealing with their own stuff.
3. For the INTIMATES – increase your AUTONOMY.
4. For the AUTONOMOUS – increase your INTIMACY.
5. Become the most GENEROUS person you know.
6. Say “yes” more than “no”.
7. Create a blueprint for your life.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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July 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.
It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....
4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love |
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