May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 23, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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January 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
80,000 online views
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
(November 2006)
Tell me your story. I am listening:
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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December 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Fully live (women, too!)
do not “allow” women to have a voice, make choices, speak up to husbands – having regularly addressed men and women from such cultures for years. I remain convinced that this robs said cultures of half of its creative capital.
Keeping women “down” must be consistently challenged. Thus my suggestion the woman in yesterday’s column (12-28-2010) define herself to her husband. Of course it flies in the face of many cultures – but if she is to give of her best to herself, her husband, to anyone, speaking up to all in her context is the place to start.
What can be so threatening for some men that some are terrified if women (whom they love) makes their full contribution?
Yes. It will more than ruffle the marriage. Rather a ruffled marriage than a life-time of control, submission, manipulation, leading to intimidation, then domination – not that all men in said cultures are this way at all.
If he really “treats her like a queen” he will also grow. If not, he will reject her; even leave her. At least she’d have expressed herself as a woman and be able to achieve, albeit at great cost, her selfhood as a woman and will have discovered she requires permission from no one to BE.
PS: I have delivered lectures in several Asian countries where it seems women are strongly discouraged from expressing their voices. While trying to be as culturally sensitive as possible, I did not water down my message at all and called on all men and all women to encourage all men and all women to find, express, and use their voices. While I have had some strong kick-backs (some rejection and exclusion) I have always been invited back. I’ve even asked leaders and organizers the reasons I am invited back despite my contrary message. I am told, “Yes. Your message is dangerous for us but we still need to hear it.”
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Meditation, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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July 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.
It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....
4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love |
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February 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have a daughter (5) and I have been with my partner for over a year. My daughter stays with her grandparents during the week to help me with gas. My partner does not work and I pay all the bills. He gets angry with me because he believes that I do not hold my daughter accountable. I don’t hit my child but I do talk to her so she has an Rod Smith, MSMFT
This will go nowhere worth going for you until you love yourself more than you love your daughter and you love your daughter more than you love him. I’d suggest you devise an immediate escape plan. Your daughter, not this manipulator, is your responsibility.
Jean Hatton
‘held accountable’ is a good idea, but not concerning him. I would ask you to consider that you have brought this man into your home and by so doing, have put yourself and your daughter’s well being at risk. It sounds like he has done nothing but add stress and guilt to your life as he makes demands on you to keep him happy. Loving your daughter is your priority. Be accountable for the decision that you made to bring this angry controlling man into your lives — and choose the healthy way out.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”
“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”
“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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August 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”
India
Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.
USA
This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.
ACT, Australia
distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.
Scotland
Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice |
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July 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can love and NOT worry...
Easy-to-make
fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:
1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
You frequently write: “steel yourself” and “hold onto yourself” and “take up your life.” What do you mean?
Take up your life
by reading this or any column. In fact, they will not be “fixed” even if you read this column, watch Dr. Phil daily and visit a therapist on a weekly basis. These would be, at best, helpful catalysts. At worst, you’d be wasting a lot of time and using yet another means to avoid facing your issues.
The “answer” to your life’s issues (if there is one – you might have to go with an approximation), no matter how large they may appear to you, or how trivial they may appear to others, always rests first with you. Healing begins when you gather up your metal, brace yourself for change, and decide to “take a hold of yourself” and address head-on the problems and complexities you face. “Steeling yourself” is gathering your strength (even if it is minimal) to do what you must do to begin your own process of recovery, healing, or untangling from unhelpful entanglements.*
Even if you have been a victim, grew up in severely adverse circumstances, and both your parents were alcoholics while you were destitute and hungry, your healing and maturity pivots, not on more sympathy, more empathy, or more understanding. it is not “out there” in some book you are yet to read, or on some website you are yet to discover, some guru you are yet to run into, or on some lover you are looking to meet. It is ALWAYS dependent on your acknowledgment of your role in how your life has unfolded (your response to whatever has happened, is currently happening, and will happen to you) and will continue to unfold. It is dependent on you shedding yourself of ALL “victim thinking” and of ALL blame. It is ALWAYS dependent on you taking personal responsibility for your decisions as much as you are able at THIS time (now, today!). This is what I mean by “take up your life.”
I am very aware of this being an unpopular message in an age and a time when “quick-fixes” are offered at every click of the mouse, pointing of the remote, and book shelves abound with every Tom, Dick, and Sally’s offer to deliver you into a perfectly fulfilling life. Sorry, it just doesn’t work like that. Until you become your own “Knight in shining armor” you might always remain a “damsel in distress,” albeit an insightful one!
* For me, a helpful metaphor is to imagine a diver on the edge of a high diving board. He or she STEELS him or herself before taking the leap.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Responsive people, Schnarch |
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