July 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”
You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.
Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.
Posted in Attraction, Love, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
July 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
Q: About six months ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with my wife and said exactly this, “I have done things during our marriage that if you knew about them, you would leave me.” She paused then said, “Whatever it is I forgive you.” This is the actual conversation that took place. She did not ask for specifics or details. What would you make of this?
A: Fall on your knees and express your gratitude to God for such a wife. She sounds remarkably healthy, a woman who is fully aware that your behavior is about you, and expresses everything about the kind of man you are. Be grateful too, that having found for yourself a greater degree of honesty, you probably have a more stable and a healthier marriage than you once had. Your wife apparently knows, from the little information that I have, that re-hashing the details of the things you have done would be hurtful to her and an unhealthy re-enactment for you, while not making one iota of helpful difference to the future you will share.
(Submitted from Melbourne, Australia)
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My son (13) is giving me problems and causing conflict in my new marriage. He treats my second husband like dirt and back chats us and blames us when he is at fault. He has reassured me that he loves my new husband but can’t help or prevent what he says. My son says that he knows what he says to us is wrong but he can’t stop himself. I don’t think it has anything to do with his father. We’ve been divorced for eleven years. My son doesn’t see, or want to see, his dad at all. His dad doesn’t contact him so it is not that he wants us to get back together. The constant bickering is driving me insane. I don’t know what to do anymore. I?m at a point were I will pack my bags and leave. Both of them know how I feel as I’ve spoken to the separately and together. Please do you have any advice for me? I’m desperate.” (Letter edited)
Rod replies: Your son’s behavior deserves professional attention. Please seek face-to-face help for the whole family so each of you might have the opportunity to speak your mind in the presence of a trained professional.
Posted in Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Marriage |
1 Comment »
May 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
Chime in, please...
1. Set career, academic, and health goals for yourself, and then work hard to achieve them.
2. Develop a network of diverse and supportive friends both on your own and with your wife.
3. Challenge your wife to be a mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship. If you have an urge to be in charge and think being in charge makes you more of a man, seek professional help.
4. Resist any forms of intimacy you or your wife find uncomfortable.
5. Believe in your wife’s honesty and integrity by refusing to lie or cover for her no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Applaud and support your wife’s desire and her attempts to be close to her extended family.
7. Talk to your wife about what you see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer her opportunities to do the same with you.
8. Resist “shutting down” or playing the silent game or the “hurt puppy” when you do not get what you want.
9. Take full responsibility for your children by spending large blocks of time (three-day weekends) with your children. Do not recruit any help from you wife or extended family to do this.
10. Be as interdependent as possible. Find fulfillment both within your marriage as a husband, and as an individual. Enjoy being husband and dad without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
My son (40) is dating a woman of another race group and this is upsetting many members of our family. I have not talked with him about this but I know he knows how I feel. If he marries her this will be his third marriage and he has children from two other women who he divorced. I do not know how to react to this woman and I am sure her family are as suspect of the relationship as we are. Please help. (Letter edited)
Your son is 40! He is already twice married. Surely you have seen that he is making his own way in life and that your affirmation of his choices is probably not too important to him. That his new love interest is a woman of “another race group” ought to be the last of your concerns. I am sure her family are concerned about the man their daughter is marrying, but it is probably not about his race. Their concern probably related to his track-record regarding intimate relationships.
That said, I know many men and woman who have found profound happiness after several former marriages. Embrace this woman. Get over your issues about race and give his new love interest all the support and welcome you can muster.
Posted in Marriage |
7 Comments »
March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
March 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: “I have an unusual question. My husband of some 30 years never calls me by anything – other husbands either call their wives by their first names or they use terms like ‘honey.’ If I am wanted on the phone, he will just say, ‘It’s for you.’ Is there any deep psychological reason why he never calls me anything? I find when friends say, ‘Beth, will you etc…,” it makes me feel warm towards them. I call him by his name. Obviously, there are other issues in the marriage. I was curious to know about this particular one.”
ROD’S RESPONSE: I am sure there are mental health professional who will “unpack” or interpret your husband’s behavior and what it might have been that has led you to be nameless in the eyes of your closest companion. I’d tend to ask you what it is about you that you have permitted yourself to be nameless for so long!
Ask your husband to call you by name and ignore him when he talks to you as if you do not have one.
Enabled behaviors tend to persist. Be nice about it and simply tell him what you’d prefer. I’d take this route before I’d suggest you go on a hunt through his potentially fragile inner-being.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
January 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Re-marriage, Space, Voice |
3 Comments »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
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