April 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband made friends with a guy and now they’re inseparable. I am going mad. I know a man has to have friends but this is ridiculous. He sees this person every other day. I want alone time with my husband and he will say his friend wants to join us. This feels like a threesome. He does have a wife who is not ‘my cup of tea.’ I cannot say anything because it makes a fight. Am I wrong? The other day I said let’s take a drive and sit somewhere. My husband made sure the place was nearby so his friend could meet us. 
I was silent to not make trouble. My husband says I am jealous. How can I be jealous of a man? I think maybe he should take his clothes and go and live with him. He must have something I don’t have. When I see him I can scream but I keep my cool. The friend will say, ‘Oh my sister! So glad to see you.’ My blood boils. I know God says you have to let these things go and pray otherwise we don’t have blessings. Give me advice before it is too late.” (Letter shortened)
How much of your husband are you willing to share? How much of a threesome are you prepared to be? These questions must be answered. This issue is not about the friend, his wife, or even your husband. Everything, for you, hinges on you. It is not a matter of jealousy and your husband is employing a sneaky trick to suggest it is. This is about divided, or confused, loyalties. Challenge your husband to grow up, to decide on how his loyalties are expressed from day to day.
From where did you get the idea that you have to be silent and “let these things go and pray,” or you will stop your blessings? This is twisted theology. I’d suggest that your silence, passivity, and continuing to have your blood “boil” will only result in increased suffering for you and your husband. Take a stand. Clearly you understand men need friends, but it ceases to be friendship when others (family members) are not also enriched by the friendship. Make your stand with full knowledge that you might not be your husband’s first choice. At least then, you will know.
Write again, or if you’d like to talk, let me know. I will make time for you.
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Marriage |
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September 9, 2008
by Rod Smith
For three years my son (12) and I have been alone. Now his dad wants to start weekend visits again. He is a very nice man even though he has been unreliable in the past. This new thing about visiting comes because now my son is getting older. I don’t want him to let my son down and it just seems like we are in a pattern that he will now start to disrupt after all these years. My son is very excited to know his father wants to see him again. Please help. (Letter revised)
I suggest you support any attempt the father makes to be with his son. Be a consistent listening ear to your boy and help him to navigate his relationship with his father. If the dad becomes unreliable, then your son will quickly learn this about his father – and your son will learn to trust and love his father while keeping this in mind. No one is perfect, and your son will benefit from knowing his father despite his father’s imperfections.
Posted in Adolescence, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, Parenting/Children |
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January 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Be aware of the unique, honored position I have in your life, and regard it with the respect it deserves.
2. Hear you, even if you are telling me things I’d rather you not say.
3. Be willing to disagree with you, when, in my estimation, you are wrong, off target, or unfair in your actions or thinking.
4. Forgive you when you hurt me, even though I will sometimes make it very clear to you how the hurt occurred.
5. Expect the very best of you and applaud your use of all of your skills and talents.
6. Tell you the truth as I see it, as kindly, efficiently, and succinctly as possible.
7. Live my life as purposefully as possible in my daily journey toward fulfilling the deepest, most powerful yearnings of my head and heart.
8. Be generous to you (without giving you money) and be kind to you (without trying to solve your problems).
9. Not inflict my anxiety upon you.
10. Stand on my own two feet without pushing you over.
11. Engage you in necessary conflict that I may love you more powerfully.
12. Speak well of you in every circumstance.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Teenagers, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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January 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
Are you estranged from a family member? Here, modified according to your needs* and circumstances, and expressed in your own words and style, is the gist of offering a “Here I Stand” challenge:
“Here I stand, my son, despite our painful history, desiring to be a loving parent and grandparent to you and to your children. Given the opportunity of inclusion, I will work hard at correcting my past ills. If you choose to see me I will not:
- Speak ill of anyone, not immediate or distant family, not of people from past relationships, or anyone newly incorporated into your life.
- Be shaming, demanding, or accusatory.
- Make unreasonable requests of you, or want anything from you that you are not willing to offer.
- Be impatient with you, but will rather seek to be affirming, kind, and light-hearted. I will regard a relationship with you and your children as a treasured gift.
“My continued desire to be included in your life and family is not an attempt to manipulate you, but rather to minimize future regret. You, an adult, get to choose the level of my involvement with you, and, while I am powerless over your decisions, I hope you will decide in favor of gradual, and then complete, reconciliation with me.”
* This letter is geared for a parent estranged from an adult son and grandchildren
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Recovery, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My sister is living in England and she hardly ever writes or Emails the family anymore. Is it appropriate that I let her know how much our parents miss her and wish she would write and phone sometimes? We have neighbors with a son living overseas and he phones almost once a week. It makes my parents heart-sore when they hear news of how he phones all the time. I have suggested my parents tell her (because I knew you’d suggest it) but they do not want to bother her. Please help.” (Letter shortened)
I love it when readers anticipate my answers – and readers are often correct! Informing your sister of your parents’ longings is absolutely appropriate (assuming you will be kind, honest and not use guilt to try and motivate your sister) but hearing directly from your parents will be better for all concerned.
While it is understandable that the phone calls your neighbors get from their son would remind your parents of your sister’s lack of contact, it is also true that the family next door have had their unique ways of communicating that were established long before anyone went to live abroad.
Posted in Boundaries, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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December 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Christians ought to be the most free, most fun loving, joyful people of all, and, when married, ought to be having the very best “wall-socket” (a David Schnarch term) sex on the planet.
Surely, knowing a creative God, being engaged in a dynamic relationship with the very Giver of life, the very source of joy – ought to translate every Christian marriage into a powerhouse of sexual joy and fulfillment?
It seems to me that “sexless” and “Christian marriage” – apart from very unusual circumstances, ought to be next to impossible to find – and an oxymoron if there was ever one. While, as a therapist I know this is not the case (for sexuality has become so very soiled for so very many people) it is not unreasonable to expect that people who claim to know and serve the Living God ought to enjoy and know the best sex and most powerful relationships God and life can offer.
Since equal, mutual, and respectful sex between a husband and wife is one physical representation of the love of God, sex between married Christians is in itself one of many acts of worship – at least with as much importance as reading the Bible or attending church, feeding the poor, or having a “Quiet Time.” Good, mutual, and respectful sex is one way to get closer to God and improve the spiritual dynamic of everyday living.
Posted in Attraction, Faith, Family, Friendship, Sex education, Sex matters, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I met a woman a year ago and we are engaged. She very good friends with her ex-husband because neither has other family. Although he is very good to his daughter, and because my fiancé and he are still close, I find it hard to feel appreciated. They are used to having each other to lean on and help each other. Why does that make me jealous? We love each other but the ex husband is used to helping her and making the decisions. Now that I am there, I feel he should only be involved when it something concerns his daughter. I feel like I have no say in the decision-making for my new family for everything is run by the ex husband so that he will not feel left out. She says they are friends and I do not fear any cheating.”
I’d suggest you place matters on hold until this woman defines herself to her ex and rids herself of her need to rescue him from loneliness. While your jealousy is your issue (something you perhaps might look into), playing second fiddle to an ex, while you are engaged, is cause for concern. I’d suggest you step out until he does, or until something shifts. While you cooperate and compromise yourself and your engagement, nothing will change.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together |
2 Comments »
November 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
The power and sacredness of sex …
Morality, religious beliefs, and family values and expectations aside, which, by the way I believe is impossible to do, don’t have sex with a person whom you do not know, and are not committed to in every area of your life, for the long haul.
To say “it (sex) is just a physical thing” is naïve, shortsighted, and misguided.
Sexual behavior is powerfully connected to the essence of who and what each of us is, and to regard it lightly or with flippancy, dismisses the powerful, creative, and beautiful place sex occupies in the engine room of each our lives, whether married or single.
To regard sexual acts as purely (only) physical is absurd.
Sexuality, and its expression through physical acts, potentially combines your whole heart, mind, your spirit (or inner being) and your body – in a sacred act of shared love, resulting in mutual replenishment, mutual recharging, and the willing refocus, as a couple on all that is mutually and individually important.
It is impossible to get the best out of sex (or put your best into sex) with a stranger, or with someone you hardly know, and with whom you have no long-term shared responsibilities and commitments.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
On Sunday morning I thought we’d do the “European thing” and ride our bikes to church. (It seems to me that everyone rides bikes everywhere in Europe). So, my five and nine year old sons following closely behind me, we Smiths set out to cycle the three of four blocks through our neighborhood — and then, on arrival, we tied our bikes to a tree outside the gothic cathedral which is our church home.
It didn’t end with the ride home after the service. The boys and I decided we’d ride to the nearest coffee shop, and then onto “Kid’s Ink” the local children’s bookstore. After a snack at the Food Emporium we hit the canal and cycled through the university – before we ambled (can one “amble” on a bicycle?) our way toward home.
Tired from several hours of cycling, we pulled our bikes onto the steps leading to our front door when Thulani (9) reflected, “Daddy. I like our little lives.” When asked to enlarge on this (I am a therapist, remember) he continued, “I like it when you are not too busy to ride with us and we can stop at the park and eat snacks on the grass and.., and.., I just like our little lives.”
Posted in Differentiation, Family, Friendship |
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November 3, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am listening....
1. Neither client nor therapist exaggerates therapist’s abilities or the client’s condition.
2. Therapist sees role as helping client steer toward a more productive, healthy future.
3. Client sees the “big picture” over the “long haul” rather than immediate relief in the “here and now.” (Patience, patience, patience).
4. Client and therapist maintain a sense of humor (a sure indication of health) while facing life’s inevitable challenges. Not everything can or will be better no matter how much therapy you throw at it!
5. Client and therapist call forth the client’s strengths and the innate human desire for adventure, rather than engage in the seemingly endless pursuit to understand a client’s pathological history, weaknesses, parents’ weaknesses, and debilitating reasonable, and unreasonable fears.
6. Therapist and client understand the limited benefits of empathy in exchange for the overwhelming benefits of challenge and adventure.
7. Client realizes that psychological insight without action (acting upon the insight) is a waste of money, time and useful therapeutic process. Sometimes a person has to actually DO something rather than be filled with insight about what needs to be done.
8. Client is willing to increase the ability to tolerate necessary pain (both within self and within others) and resist the understandable pressure to alleviate the very pain essential for growth to occur.
9. Therapist challenges the client repeatedly toward self-definition (to grow up!) in the face of life’s natural obstacles.
Conditions under which counseling or therapy will be of little or no value…
Time and again I hear “If I could just get him/her to see a counselor” as if a counselor can work magic to heal and solve all personal and relationship problems. Few trained counselors would see themselves as possessing such unrealistic powers. Here are some conditions (there are others) under which even counseling will be of little or no value:
1. When a person is forced, or cornered, or manipulated into seeing a counselor.
2. When a person has no motivation for change.
3. When a person agrees to see a counselor because he/she believes counseling will “fix” someone else in the family.
4. When the person’s mind is already made up over and issue (a pending divorce, continued involvement in an affair) and goes to counseling so he/she can say he/she tried it and it was no help.
5. When a person is resistant to getting help (doesn’t see the need for help) and offers counselors little or no respect in the first place.
6. When the person is combative from the outset and sees the therapeutic hour as time to show how clever (or funny, or morose, or argumentative, or stubborn, or intellectual) he/she can be.
7. When the person has already made up his/her mind that there’s no hope (”we’ve tried it all before”) or that counseling is a waste of time and money.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Recovery, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Step parenting, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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