Archive for ‘Forgiveness’

March 14, 2007

Why do all my relationships seem to go sour in the same way….?

by Rod Smith

Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …

  1. Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
  2. Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
  3. Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
  4. Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
  5. Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
  6. Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
  7. Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
  8. Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
  9. Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
March 8, 2007

We met and had an affair…. will he do then same to me?

by Rod Smith

“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”

Please write, I'm reading...

Please write, I'm reading...

Extra-marital affairs are very seductive. They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.

Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.

February 27, 2007

Someone who loves you….. ADD YOUR OWN TO THE LIST VIA “COMMENTS” AND I WILL UPDATE THE LIST ON A REGULAR BASIS….

by Rod Smith

Someone who loves you will…

  1. almost always put their cellular phone off when you are together
  2. not avoid or screen your phone calls or check up on who you have been phoning
  3. not lie to you
  4. make eye contact when you speak and listen to what you are saying
  5. say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot
  6. not tell you what you need or should do
  7. seldom mind if you keep them waiting, but will work hard at being prompt for you
  8. not mind if there are things you’d prefer not to tell them
  9. usually ask you about your day
  10. laugh at your jokes even if the jokes are older than your grandfather
  11. work hard at loving your extended family even if it is only out respect for you
  12. encourage you to have many close friends
  13. enjoy seeing you using your skills and talents
  14. not tell you how to dress
  15. enjoy working together on the mundane daily tasks of life (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
  16. show appreciation on days other than birthdays, holidays and anniverseries (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
  17. take care of body, mind, and spirit (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
  18. keep the faith with you in hard times (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
  19. have patience not to give up, or leave, when business problems arise (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
  20. have ability to imagine what it’s like in the other person’s shoes before criticizing (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
  21. not try to change you (this and the following 3 are from “Mmmm”)
  22. remember the little things that matter in your life
  23. want to know the important people in your life
  24. introduce you to the important people in his/her life to show you are important
  25. will do, using the best of his/her ability, tasks that you ask him/her to do, even if he/she doesn’t enjoy the tasks and if they are a hassle or have no promise of any reward (From Joe at funkeemonk.com)
  26. has integrity, and will not say things just to make you feel better – even if they believe it to be untrue (www.funkeemonk.com/blog)
  27. will not insist on their way all the time
  28. will be kind to your friends
  29. will be careful with your feelings (www.lisamm.wordpress.com)
February 27, 2007

I want the sex details of her past relationships – it is my business, and she won’t tell…

by Rod Smith

QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.

ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.

Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.

I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.

February 7, 2007

Who will speak up for broken-hearted, innocent young men?

by Rod Smith

Notes from a conversation…

“I read and hear a lot of warnings to young men about how to behave with and respect women. I see almost nothing about how young men can also be hurt by women who almost always seem to cast themselves as the victims,” says David (26)

“Tell me more,” I respond.

“More than once I have dated a woman and been very honest and very faithful – while the woman I am seeing is cheating on me behind my back. Then, when it comes out, she assumes a kind of ‘victim mode’ where the man was predatory and she did not know what to do. Then I find out it is not the first time.”

“Why do you think this is not addressed, David?”

“Because it is not cool or manly to admit you have been hurt by a woman. It is not manly to say you were a victim and innocent and felt a lot of pain from what your girlfriend did to you. I wish someone would write and speak about how young men feel after they have been hurt by a woman when they have been innocent and trying to do the right thing.”

(Reconstructed with permission).

January 22, 2007

What do you do if you forgive a person for what they have done to you and they throw it in your face and tell you they didn’t do anything to you in the first place?

by Rod Smith

It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.

December 11, 2006

Ending my marriage to find myself…

by Rod Smith

“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)

Please, pass this on...

Please, pass this on...

Try first to salvage yourself within your marriage. This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.

Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.

September 20, 2006

My wife wants to talk constantly about the affair I had and she forgave me for…… Why?

by Rod Smith

If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)

Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.

Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.

July 20, 2006

Small steps to furthering emotional wellness

by Rod Smith

Forgive expansively. Commit specific and intentional acts of kindness. Despite the cliché, there is nothing at all “random” about acts of true, authentic kindness.

Write about your life in small, honest, vignettes. Make a list of the people who have most inspired you, then send them handwritten notes of thanks. If possible, go back to the neighborhood where you grew up and visit old memories, even if they are painful, and, even if everything has changed.

Find and thank the schoolteachers, sports coaches and youth leaders who inspired you.

Get as close, over time, to at least three healthy people (around your own age and of your own gender) as they will allow. Over extended time, and without being too overbearing or pushy, try to tell them everything. In return, listen.

Also, get close to at least three people who are of the opposite sex. Healthy men and women can and do enjoy opposit-sex-relationships that are not in any manner physical or romantic. Such relationships, especially if you are married, ought not be avoided. These relationships may not necessarily include your spouse, but neither will your spouse be intentionally excluded.

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.