ROD’S RESPONSE: Pure generosity (no strings, hooks, secret agendas, or hidden motives) is enriching for both the she who gives, and she who receives. Go ahead. I’d suggest you arrange a private lunch with your sister and slip her a card in which you have placed your generous cheque or a bundle of cash. Write something like, “Please accept this gift. All you have to do in return is enjoy it!”
February 13, 2007
We want to help my single-mother-sister with a financial gift….
January 8, 2007
Daughter (12) too interested in boys………!?
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
December 17, 2006
Do inter-faith marriages work? My girlfriend and I are from very different cultures…
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
December 12, 2006
Improve your day…
Twelve ways to have a fulfilling day…
- Surrender the illusion of control you have over everyone you love.
- Trust your instincts when they point you toward doing something good for those who least expect it of you.
- Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot.
- Look across the restaurant and then, having chosen someone, collude with your waiter to pay for that person’s meal. Ask the waiter not to identify who did it.
- Contact an old friend.
- Leave a few groceries on the steps of someone whom you know is in a hard place.
- Forgive your enemies.
- Carpool.
- Visit your next-door neighbors.
- Refuse to gossip.
- Pick up litter.
- Go the extra mile for someone who has hurt you in the past.
October 8, 2006
General principles for healthier committed relationships…
In relationships:
Toxic patterns, abuse, excessive use of alcohol, lying, anger, jealousy, infidelity, to name a few, seldom improve without intervention, but will only increase in intensity, without some form of disruption. Unless toxic, or destructive patterns are addressed, they will only grow.
Self-definition, being willing to declare who and what you are, and what you want from a relationship, will be a healthy exercise even if, at first, such action seems fraught with potential to ruin a relationship. Any relationship that demands a person “tone down” who and what they are, is probably not a healthy one.
Forgiveness is not based on who is wrong or right. The stronger partner, or the one with the insight that forgiveness is necessary, is the one who takes the initiative toward forgiving. Problems arise when one partner is always expected to be the one initiating forgiveness. In this case, a relationship is lacking equality, mutuality, and respect: something deeper is amiss.
Regular sexual activity is a vital part of any marriage, well beyond childbearing years, and ought to be as important to both persons, and as central to both persons as are the mutual planning of finances, the mutual support of the children’s education and as important for a couple as regular worship at church, temple or synagogue.
July 7, 2006
To improve your most intimate relationship, talk about the following:
Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.
Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.
“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!
Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:
1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?
2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?
3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?
4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)
5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?
6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?
7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?
8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?
9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?
10. How do you think I could be a better parent?
March 11, 2006
Are you an adult? It has very little to do with your age
I believe we are fully adulthood when:
1. We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
2. We respect mutuality and equality and want them in all of our relationships.
3. We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately and decided to live to the fullest. We can delay gratification.
4. Confusion, ambiguity and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can “hold” seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
5. We can take full responsibility for our lives despite past trauma or neglect. We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel or behave like victims.
6. We do not victimize others.
7. We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell everybody or anyone everything.
8. We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible in the first place.
9. We clear misunderstandings as quickly as possible.
10. We can stand up for ourselves without pushing others out of the way.
11. We can see that all things are related and are therefore careful to apply quick solutions to problems because quick solutions are likely to foster new, unexpected problems.
12. We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.
13. We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart but are not afraid to remain in relationship with such people, confident of our ability to self-protect.
January 22, 2006
The myth of love at first sight
Love requires knowledge and experience
Authentic love is about effort, decisions, actions, attitudes, and commitment spread over many years.
Loving someone is about seeking his or her highest interests while, at the same time, not ignoring your own highest interests. It is impossible to love someone more than you love yourself. It is impossible to know someone more deeply and more intensely than you know yourself. Pseudo-love can masquerade as authentic love and, at first, feel very good. In its early stages, manipulation can be confused with caring, intimidation with a “watchful eye” and domination with “strong commitment.” These are the love’s poisons and distorted love follows. True love’s hallmark is freedom for both and a respected, acknowledged voice for each. Anything less is not love.
When a couple, say Anne and Bob, are both healthy people who develop a lasting and loving relationship, she is able to focus on him without losing or compromising herself. They don’t become each other nor are they glued together. Being apart does not mean falling apart or the undermining of the relationship; being together does not deny individuality. She’s decided to love him. Bob has decided to love Anne. It has nothing to do with the performance of either. The love lives inside each one for the other.
Anne and Bob focus on what they can give to each other without giving up themselves. They know a mature loving relationship is about total equality. They desire mutuality in every respect and both work very hard toward it. There is a palpable freedom between them and a team attitude even when they are involved in unrelated or separate activities. They inspire each other toward separate and shared goals. Neither is threatened by the other’s willingness to grow and achieve and both heartily applaud and encourage the success of the other.
They are willing to hear things from each other they would prefer not to hear. Neither changes what they think, feel, experience or believe to accommodate what they believe the other might prefer to hear. Truth is told with kindness. Anne and Bob share a sacred trust. Questions are born out of a desire to participate in each other’s lives and not from suspicion about each other’s activities. They know and often experience that love casts out fear.
Ann and Bob are faithful to each other because faithfulness builds healthy, sound friendships with all people. Ann is faithful to Bob because even if she did not know Bob, she’d be a faithful person. He is faithful to her because he already is a faithful man. In a sense, their faithfulness has nothing to do with each other.
An absolutely private world, holy territory, lies between them. They go to places together in this world that each has never been before. Here, they touch the heart of God through commitment, mutuality, freedom and respect. In this private place of communion, the depth they know in this sacred intimacy is never equaled with another or devalued or soiled through compromise with another. It is highly valued, a protected place for them both, and, like very expensive art, is defended, enjoyed and treasured by each of them.
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