October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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October 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
My mother and father believe that Christianity is one and only way to God. We argue often! My dad blames the martial art I do for me rejecting the dogma of Christianity and is now FORCING me to go to church. Please help. I am 16 and male.
Flexibility on your part....
of the men and women I run into everyday, they want to be your advocates and not your enemies. They want what is wonderful for you. I’ll bet the day will come when going to church with your parents will sound like a fabulous opportunity so I’d suggest you go, and that you go with a good attitude. While you are at church with your parents, try to be as open and affirming as possible.
Claiming to be grown up and able to make wise choices (which I admit you have not claimed in your letter) becomes evident when a young person chooses to enjoy doing what his or her parents want simply because the parents have asked. Be aware that your resistance could render you as difficult as you perceive them to be. I think you’d be amazed at how flexible and cooperative parents become when they see sons and daughters being flexible and cooperative.
Posted in Education, Faith, Family, Love, Teenagers, Voice |
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August 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
USA
The essentials of self-care ought to not be underestimated. There is present in many cultures, the belief that self-care is somehow selfish while, of course, the antithesis is ironically true. To neglect self is selfish – a neglected self, even if he or she appears to be selflessly serving others, will spread relational toxicity wherever he or she goes.
Here are three essential elements of self-care:
1. Rest. A healthy person will rest before he or she needs to do so. Somewhere in the rhythm of a busy life the healthy person gets the rest and recreation required for restoration.
2. Clarity: A healthy person does all he or she can to minimize mixed messages, unclear expectations, and confused boundaries. Karen Miles, the Australian writer and expert on the impact motherhood has upon women regarding identity and career, talks about “interrogating reality” as a sign of relational health and caring. (www.karenmiles.com.au)
3. Community: A healthy person finds a place in a small community of good friends where he or she can regularly “download”, be energized, contribute to others, and receive from others in a mutual, respectful setting where all the participants are completely equal.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Responsive people |
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July 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Our son of fifteen is not a problem child, but does not do well with schoolwork. His projects are slapdash; he leaves everything to the last minute. If a project is due one week in advance he works on it the night before. He drives us to destruction. He loves sport and attends school only for that reason I am sure. What do we do? “
India
If your son thrives in doing his work even at the last minute, encourage him in his areas of strength. I myself found that I was a procrastinator in school and did well even though I always crammed in the last minute for my tests or assignments. For some people, that works. Teens live with so much more pressure than ever before. And I do not envy what they have to go through one bit. So if sports are what keep him in school, terrific! Unlike so many other young people, your son has found something positive that encourages him to stay in school. I say be his number one cheerleader, and trust the values you’ve taught him will work out in his personal, unique journey.
Midwest, USA
that rewards him if he completes his assignments well and on time. If he enjoys sport create the system around his love of sport. Devise a contract where, if he spends a certain amount of time a day on his homework, then he would be allowed to spend the rest of the day doing sport. Decide together what grades he needs and create rewards when he reaches them. They must be achievable and also flexible. Find out what interests him and arrange a work experience in the field where he can spend time in the real world. Provide opportunities for him to discover where his passions and abilities lie and this alone may encourage him to improve his performance. It’s his life, therefore his responsibility, but guidance from parents is very important.
Posted in Adolescence, Difficult Relationships, Education, Parenting/Children |
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July 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
ACT, Australia
the seasons in our lives change and the adjustment to that change requires attention and re-alignment. When our children leave home, we really miss them, and relating to them isn’t about meeting their needs but listening and relating to them as adults. They don’t need us in the ways they use to – we no longer have the role we once had. Parenting takes on different aspects – being available for support and friendship while at the same time offering encouragement as we see their lives being lived and the children coming along.
My own “learning curve” as our children got older was to make the decision to focus on the roots of my own anxieties, which came from my own family background. There were issues in my own life that needed healing. I saw very clearly my tendencies to want to control their lives because I thought my way was better. I had made mistakes and I didn’t want them to make the same mistakes.
A challenging task for many parents – especially moms, is ‘letting go’ of their sons and daughters to let them live their lives. It’s being able to stand back and allow them to do it THEIR way – trusting and respecting their values and decisions how they parent, and where they go no matter how radical it might seem.
Loving takes on a whole new meaning. It takes a lot of focus and energy to change the way we see our sons and daughters. Keeping quiet when we could voluntarily give our ‘sound advice’ is hard work. If they ask for input, that’s another story.
I pray a lot for my adult children and also for myself that I may continue to keep accepting them as they are and releasing them to their own journeys.
Readers wanting to write directly to Jean may do so at: Jean@TakeUpYourLife.com
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family |
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July 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can do all five today...
1.
Forgiveness – not necessarily “forgetting” although forgetting is a bonus, but fully forgiving everyone, everything, and all the time. I am not suggesting you stand in line to be repeatedly hurt.
2. Generosity – offering of your resources, gifts, and skills to others for a fee, or no fee. Both can be expressions of generosity. Just because you pay for something does not mean the source is not generous. Remember, and I’d give credit if I knew where I heard it, “If you get something for nothing someone is getting nothing for something!”
3. Hospitality – offering your home, car, and your resources (wisely) to others empowers everyone in the equation. It is a bonus if you can do it for an enemy or an estranged family member. This is radical hospitality.
4. Humor – offering others your ability to see and to express the lighter sides of life. Anxious people (organizations, churches, schools, businesses) become convinced that seriousness is more productive or more important than playfulness. In truth it is quite the opposite. (Please read Ed. Friedman: Failure of Nerve).
5. Awareness – developing healthy awareness of the impact your life has on others, the environment, and the future.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family |
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July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Welcome Tim
President of Growth and Associates, located in Brentwood, California, to Durban today. Tim and I met in Hawaii in 1986 when Tim was a know-it-all 15-year-old striding the university campus where I studied. Tim’s mother worked at the university while Tim strode the campus as if it were his very own creation. Even then he embodied generosity. Quick witted, visionary, Tim always seemed able and willing to develop a means to get what he needed, and a way to get where he wanted to go.
Congratulations, Tim. Not only have you have become the leader, and the teacher of leaders, making all who know you proud, you also offer hope to parents who might be overwhelmed, even intimidated by the zeal, determination, intelligence, and creativity they discern in their offspring.
Author, entrepreneur, and friend, welcome to Durban. I wish I were there to greet you, to haul you off to tea at Mitchell Park with Gordon, my favorite waiter in the world, and then show you Durban’s beauty. I will have to leave that up to those you meet while you are there. Durbanites will show you a good time. It comes as naturally to them as inspiring others does to you.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening |
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July 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
Children want boundaries...
The Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Children
Parents are bestowed the utmost honor and responsibility.
Raising a child is both extremely rewarding and very challenging. It has the potential to drive one “batty” and the potential to produce much growth and maturity in the parents. Children have innate qualities, but are molded by the emotional environment. Children are born with the ability to create their individual slate of experiences. Significant people in their lives, with the environment, write and draw upon the slates.
Here are three ways that you can love your children deeply and teach them well:
1. Lovingly define yourself to your own parents, making sure they know who you are. This could involve some conflict- all of which has the potential to produce growth and healing. By growing up yourself, you become free to allow your children to do the same. Children rarely go beyond the maturity level of their parents. Thus, this becomes one of the more priceless gifts that you can offer.
2. Be present without worrying about the future. Pay attention to what they are saying, and you may learn something. Children don’t need the latest and greatest educational tools or toys. They need you, your time, your encouragement and input in their lives. They will learn how to do relationships from you, not by what you say, but by what you do.
3. Set consistent boundaries in your home that you are prepared to enforce. Discipline is what children need and want. Guidance is how you teach your child to treat people, that your child is not the center of the universe, and to respect all people.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship |
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July 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can love and NOT worry...
Easy-to-make
fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:
1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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