November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I never thought I’d be the one to have an affair. I work with a man who is 15 years younger and I have become obsessed with him. Now, after a wild three weeks, he is pulling back and is guilt ridden. He won’t take my calls. He won’t look at me. He’s probably going to change his job to get away. This is driving me insane for so many reasons. My husband of 25 years has no idea but to think something is up since I have been so irrational. I had no idea I could become so trapped by my own thoughts and behaviors. I’ve gone from feeling self-righteous about women who cheat to feeling like a criminal. Please help.” (Edited)
1. Go cold turkey – this means no contact, no calls, no chasing, and no emails – nothing. You cannot get over something you have found this powerful if you keep feeding it.
2. Get professional help. A trained person will guide you through the quagmire of trying to make sense of the nonsense you have co-created.
I have been overwhelmed with the response to “Give Something Away Every Day” as published on Friday November 19th, 2010. If you’d like to join or read the stories please go to GSAED on Facebook.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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October 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
Lake Geneva, Switzerland
“Thank you on behalf all my many single mother friends for the article published yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles. Thank you understanding the many roles we play and the many difficulties we overcome because of our love for our children. Thank you for noting it is near impossible to have a romantic social life as solo parents. Thank you for listing and understanding what women do not need in a potential partner or in friendly advice. I am 50 and the mother of two sons whose fathers disappeared when the going got tough.
“I have been a single mom for 32 years, and despite the challenges, long hours, and little thanks associated with the job of single mom, I have been blessed to have my sons and love them dearly. I am also proud of having still managed to forge a career, own my home, a car, and travel the world. I have recently studied to become a Life Coach. I just sit with the thought that my children did not chose to be born and hence, are entitled to the best Mom and woman I can be. One thing I know is that my son’s will make wonderful Fathers.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Schnarch, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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October 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Honor courage when you meet it
the bravest people I have ever met. Not only are many fighting financial battles with a former spouse, they are at the same time negotiating with schools, coordinating visits to doctors, ferrying children to and from sports events, strategizing visits for the children with the other parent, and trying to placate a boss and colleagues at work. Simultaneously, many are trying to maintain some form of sanity though attempting to develop the semblance of a social life while having to face a stigma (thankfully it is diminishing in some cultures) about being divorced at all.
What divorced mothers do not need is:
1. Romantic involvement with a needy man – especially one who is in search of a mother but doesn’t know it.
2. Judgment about her parenting, her discipline, or her children’s behavior.
3. Questions about what went wrong in her marriage, or the suggestion (overt or covert) that had she “given” her marriage to God, or been more obedient or submissive, or prayed more, fasted more, tithed more faithfully, her marriage would have survived.
4. To be thought of as an easy target for sex as if it is the one thing she must surely be missing now that her marriage is over.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family |
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October 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
Hold back and listen
for as long as possible. Give time to enjoy and know each other without the children. If each of you cannot do this (let’s say she perceives she is unable to be away from the children and you feel somewhat obligated or compelled to include the children in the dating process) then she is not ready to date, and you are not ready to accommodate a woman and children into your life.
When you do meet the children keep out of her relationships with her children. Withhold your opinions (insights, guidance, discipline) if she is not parenting as you think necessary. No matter how much she asks for your input, or how much the children appear to need or love you, if you get prematurely entangled you will ultimately come out second best.
You are at your most helpful when you support, empower, encourage the woman to tap into her internal resources to be fully the mother she is able to be. She has to do this without you if she is ever to be comfortable sharing this with you.
Withhold your opinions about her ex-husband, visitations, her finances, how he treats her or how he treats his children. This potential minefield predates you and you will be better off as a couple if you regard it as none of your business. A relationship built on trying to correct the injustices of her past will not bode well for your future.
Your distinctness (separatness) is more important than your necessary ability to bond with the woman and her children. When the time comes and bonding with both mother and children is necessary, your distinctness will be a life-saving necessity both in the immediate and in the long-term future.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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July 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.
It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....
4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love |
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July 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)
You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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April 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something, then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”
it will be from the fire, into the fire.....
Until you find some peace with your marriage, or until you are free of it for a year or two, any man who shows you some thoughtfulness and attention will appear as a knight in shining armor. Don’t confuse attention with love.
Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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