May 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Call me...
1.
Set career, academic, and health
goals for yourself, and then work hard to
achieve them.
2. Develop a network of
diverse and supportive friends.
3.
Challenge your husband to be a
mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship.
4.
Resist any forms of i
ntimacy you do not find pleasing or comfortable.
5.
Believe in your husband’s honesty and
integrity by refusing to lie or cover for him no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Don’t work harder at
his family relationships (on his behalf) than he, himself does.
7.
Talk to him about what you
see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer him the opportunity to do the same with you in return.
8.
Resist making him appear to be a
better father than he really is. If you help him save face with the children he might never need to step up to the plate and be all the dad he could be.
9.
Be interdependent by finding fulfillment both within your marriage and as an individual. Enjoy being both a mother and wife without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
10.
Maintain your voice under all circumstances while realizing that not everything you think or see or feel needs to be expressed.
Posted in Communication, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Recovery, Voice |
8 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
May 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: “I have been married for 7 years to a woman who is becoming more controlling, unhappy, demanding, disrespectful, and depressed. She fights over anything and has developed a shoplifting problem called ‘depression based shoplifting.’ We have gone to psychologists and therapists but nothing works. What am I doing or not doing right? We can be happy one day and then out of the blue all chaos breaks loose. Our five year old tends to prefer me to her and that gets her even more aggressive.”
Rod responds: Assuming your wife has already had a full medical checkup and is in regular dialogue with her physician, I would suggest you find a respected practitioner of “family of origin” therapy. Your brief description suggests your wife might be “out of sorts” (inappropriately disconnected or connected) with the most powerful people in her life – her family of origin.
Do not falsely assume blame for her illegal activity. This is her issue to solve. It is not the result of your behavior.
While it is sad your child prefers you to her, it does appear that your parenting is less confusing for your child.
Be firm. Love. Stay out of control. Resist the pressure to join her in her toxic cycle no matter what their cause.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
1 Comment »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me last night that he is not in love with me anymore. I am completely shattered. I knew we had problems and we had decided to seek therapy but the last thing I expected was the love bomb. He thinks it cannot be fixed. I had to convince him to try therapy. He is willing to try but I can see that he does not have much hope in it. I am so scared it is too late and that by going to therapy I am putting false hope into our marriage. I do not know what to do and feel like my whole world just collapsed on me.” (Edited to 200 words)
USA
You are placing a lot of faith in the power of therapy! Couple’s therapy is most effective when both people are motivated. Before you rush off to a therapist, appreciate that this a very new development in your marriage. Take some time to let the news sink in before you act. While it is true that you are feeling devastated, it is your husband who has to soul search about what he wants.
Trying to impress your husband with your love for him will only serve to distort who you really are and probably serve to push him further away.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
92 Comments »
April 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
I have had a number of letters about “living together.” With a few edits, here is a column published some years ago….
First, as adults, you can do whatever you both decide. But “living together” is deceptive for both persons. There is no commitment even if you say there is. Commitment is making vows in the presence of witnesses and signing a legal, marriage contact. When either of you can “walk” without legal consequence – there is no commitment.
Try buying a house using the same approach. Tell the bank manager (mortgage company) you want to know if you and the house “click,” are compatible. Tell him you love the house and are very committed. Then tell him you are not ready to sign. The obvious will happen: no signature on a contract, no bond (mortgage) on a house in your name.
Living together is no “trial run” on marriage any more than baby-sitting is the same as rearing a child. If you are not ready for marriage, you are not ready. Living together will not make you ready, nor will it tell you what marriage will be like. People who are willing to live together, even by mutual agreement, offer each other no security – which hardly sounds like love!
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Trust, Victims |
2 Comments »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
(Please note not all difficult relationships are necessarily also toxic)
Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, unnecessary silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful, or vengeful, sexual activity.
Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.
Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You feel as if you an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.
Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.
Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
March 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: My daughter-in-law is estranged from my son but still lives in our attached flat with their young son. I have to continually have to remind her to keep the flat clean. She tells me, “You are not my mother stop telling me what to do.” She is not qualified to do anything and refuses get a driver’s license (even after being offered help to study the manual). She has to be driven everywhere. She does not have any friends so we have to baby sit. If she were friendly with some of the other mothers we would gladly take the child to his friends or have them to play at our house. At her child’s birthday party she did not communicate with any of them. I had to run the party and speak to the mothers. (Shortened from a much longer letter)
Rod’s response: You are much too involved with an issue not your own. Give her a date by which she must move out. Announce to your son it is time he stepped up and took responsibility for his son. You, the former mother-in-law, are not responsible for the future of your former daughter-in-law. Back off, or she will never stand on her own two feet.
Posted in Differentiation, Divorce |
1 Comment »
March 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: I have been married for about six months and have a daughter of four months. My husband and I argue all of the time, about everything. I am really depressed. I don’t think he loves me. I never wanted to get divorced, and I can’t imagine putting my child through a divorce, but I just can’t imagine staying in this marriage. We had only been dating a few months when I got pregnant, and so we got married. I’ve always thought he only married me because I was pregnant. There is a huge age difference between us. I am 24. He is 40.
Rod’s response: The arrival of a baby can place a lot of stress on the strongest of marriages. It is too soon to be talking of divorce. Get some help. Find a group of other new parents to talk, and you will probably find your thoughts are echoed among them. I’d suggest you shift your emphasis from wondering why he married, or how he is feeling, to getting about the beautiful business of co-nurturing your young child. If you embrace being a wife and mother he may find it in him to do his equal share as husband and dad.
Posted in Children, Divorce |
2 Comments »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
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