November 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I love and trust her fidelity. However there is one thing that I find it quite difficult to cope with and that is that she likes to keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends and lovers. This causes me quite a lot of pain. Am I abnormal? Do I need therapy?”
Open your hand....
unless there are related behaviors you are not telling me about like outbursts of rage on your part. I do not believe you need therapy. I have received many letters with a similar theme and met face-to-face with many couples in the same boat. The issue will not be solved if your wife severs contact with her past relationships.
You are the one with the feelings (the anguish, the uncertainty) and therefore the one with the opportunity to grow. Matters will be “solved” or alleviated for you, when you open your hand and facilitate her freedom to befriend, within the commitments of your marriage, whomever she desires. These relationships predate you, and you are her obvious choice of a life-partner. Work on yourself, not on her. If you work (force, plead, strong-arm, attempt to manipulate) on her, you will only alienate her and turn your internal world upside down.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)
Timing is everything...
Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.
Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.
Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.
Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Parenting/Children |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I expressed to my partner that I was feeling like a ‘girlfriend with benefits’ or a ‘convenient mistress.’ He was offended, yet when (by my choice) our relationship was no longer physically intimate and he was preparing wages for his domestic, he observed that he should perhaps pay me for ‘services not rendered’. He has expressed some objection to taking me out, paying for the evening, and then having to say goodbye at the door and go home.” (Edited)
Thanks for writing...
with this man I’d suggest you pay your own way. While he perceives paying for an evening out with you as a trade for “benefits,” and you cooperate with his wishes because he has spent money on you, then you are indeed little more than a hired mistress. Apparently the space between you has become clouded and toxic. Your unique wants have polarized the two of you and it is probably time to call it quits.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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November 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.
But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.
Three things:
1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.
It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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November 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
(those relationships where manipulation, domination, and intimidation are evident) as a game of (human) chess played, not with a board and pieces, but with people….
Manipulation: “Playing chess” with others; maneuvering, as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into “love” or into doing what the manipulator wants. Moves are designed to confuse, trap, surprise, pull the rug from under the feet, and to leverage and increase power for the manipulator.
Domination: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces (withholding information, telling lies, maintaining a “double” life) from the “opponent” without his or her knowledge or permission. This is playing from an “upper hand.”
Intimidation: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces without the opponent’s knowledge or permission, and threatening the opponent with punishment (threats to leave, threats to hurt, intentionally harmful attitudes) if he or she wins or loses.
Healthy Relationships: There is no element of either winning or losing; there is no tussle over power; there is no “game,” no tactics, and no secret or hidden agendas.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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November 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
My ex-girlfriend won’t let go. We have been broken up for three years and had many conversations covering the reasons the relationship did not work. She continued to buy me clothes, make me food, send me cards, and try to see me for one last thing she needed to understand. I think I have been very patient but everything I say has to be broken down into precise meanings and explained to death. Here is the simple truth: I don’t want to be her boyfriend any longer and she doesn’t seem to get it. When I tell her I am free 
She won't let go....
Do not enter into any conversations in the attempt to explain yourself. You will not end viral activity (she is not a virus, being “locked on” to you is evidence of an emotional virus) if you continue to feed or facilitate the virus in any manner. Change your phone numbers and your email address. Accept no more gifts of any sort – and return, unopened, gifts that arrive.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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November 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
This is someone you once loved....
1. Your former spouse is a person whom you once loved.
2. Your former spouse has a family that was once also yours.
3. Your children will benefit from seeing that people who disagree are also able to work together.
4. It is possible to be cordial and cooperative even after a marriage has broken down, even after there has been infidelity, even after there have been cruel words spoken.
5. While the divorce is final and painful, the good memories remain good memories, the love once shared was once real.
6. Little is gained by speaking negatively of your former spouse or former in-laws.
7. Children will have a natural resistance to new partners, lovers, or spouses – to moving house or schools as a result of your decisions to divorce.
8. Using children as a means to getting what you need and want is hardly helpful to the well being of the children.
9. Having “adult” meetings – with all the adults present – to talk about co-parenting is probably a good idea.
10. It is possible to find joy and happiness even after divorce.
11. Sometimes (in response to trauma), life becomes a series of approximations, adaptations, of negotiated positions, which ultimately form into a renewed platform for a fulfilling life which, while within the immediate turmoil, no one can see or imagine.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Voice |
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November 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
Anxiety will drive you if you allow it....
1. No one is all good; no one is all bad.
2. Even an ant, when looked at under a microscope, can look like a monster (Rabbi Ed Friedman).
3. Anxiety is more contagious than the common cold (Rabbi Ed Friedman).
4. Worry teaches me nothing that’s really worth learning.
5. The busiest people often get the least done.
6. Burnout is not the result of working too hard, too much, or of holding an “important position” but it is the result of not minding my own business or taking on other people’s unresolved issues.
7. I get another shot at (almost) everything.
8. Forgiving others is a hallmark of the presence of good mental health.
9. Miracles are in the eye of the beholder.
10. Helping people find their strengths is more helpful than helping them identify their weaknesses.
11. Life is beautiful and life is brutal all at the same time.
12. God is not innocent (which does not mean that God is guilty).
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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October 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”
“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”
“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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