Archive for ‘Differentiation’

April 25, 2023

What does love look like….?

by Rod Smith

Love is seeking another person’s highest good, every time, day in and day out. It’s holding nothing back if it’s in the highest interests of whomever you love. 

Love is being willing to be unpopular because some truth is tough to hear and receive. It is being willing to be corrected by the people you love when they think you are wrong or need correction. 

Love is finding legitimate ways to earn the extra money needed to protect and educate and serve the people whom you love. 

Love is thousands of loads of laundry for the baby and then toddler and a young boy or girl and then it’s  teaching young  teenager to do his own.

Love is dealing with men and women who will tell you you are a bad parent for not giving rules and not checking phones or monitoring teenage behavior as if your teenage son or daughter cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment. Their unsolicited scoldings clearly mean they do not trust themselves or their own children.

Love is being committed to telling you the truth as lovingly and as efficiently as possibly. 

Love is learning to love and embrace and fully accept the people whom your loved ones love.

April 24, 2023

What will it take?

by Rod Smith

What will it take for you to tell your story? 

By “your story” I mean your unabridged, unedited story, the meanderings of your life, the whole truth, not only the shiny parts. 

If we are at all similar and we probably are, you may have noticed our propensity to play the well-worn tracks, the golden-oldies, we speak of those areas of our lives and they come out well-rehearsed, cute lines, anecdotes that flow with ease, often with intent to impress. With these areas of our lives we are seasoned raconteurs. 

What will it take for you and I to unblock the blocked, dislodge darker areas, give the hidden areas of our lives a little light? 

When we give these parts a little airtime, allow ourselves and others to know us at deeper, unrehearsed levels, it usually – if we are careful about whom we choose as an audience – gives the opportunity to be known a little deeper and to discover something new about ourselves.

“Out of the mouths of babes,” usually refers to something cute and endearing from children. 

Out of the mouths of adults, the unrehearsed and previously unsaid, can be painful to admit and hear, but it may bring greater redemption and healing for both speaker and the carefully selected listeners.

April 14, 2023

The Poetry of Healthy Relationships

by Rod Smith

I am I

You and You

We are We

Let Us not ConFuse 

The Three 

(Rod Smith 4/12/2023)

April 12, 2023

People of courage

by Rod Smith

I’m sure that you won’t have to look too far if you want to find people with courage. I run into men and women – and children – with remarkable courage for which they are apparently seldom lauded. I have noticed that the more I listen rather than talk, the more courage and love I encounter. 

This week I met a woman who has two jobs and two high school children in her care. She is keeping track of it all with calm and good humor. I met a woman of courage. 

I met a man who is facing a life-threatening illness while taking care to visit his wife daily. His wife is in a long-term care facility and has not known who he is for years. I met a man of courage and who knows about love.

A week ago I met a teenager who uses a ride service three times a week to spend time with her aged grandmother. She told me the visits also give her time to perfect her school work and time to apply for bursaries and scholarships to help her pay for the university she’d like to attend when she’s finished high school. I met a teenage girl who knows about courage and love and commitment. 

April 4, 2023

Juicer (Liquidizer) unplugged

by Rod Smith

The Mercury / Written and published with permission – I learned a long time ago NOT to write about immediate family (or even distant family) without permission.

On a personal note…

Almost every night I before I go to bed I reduce a handful of greens and fresh fruit into a delicious drink using a powerful juicer or liquidizer. I wash the jugs, clean the blades, and get it all ready for a similar ritual in the morning.

I know I leave the liquidizer plugged in the wall-socket.

Every morning — when the boys were teenagers —. I come downstairs it’s unplugged.

This very slight annoyance grew mostly because it made no sense and because both my sons were asleep when I faced this minor irritation and I’d forget to ask after the day got rolling and my attentions were focused elsewhere.

This week we have all been home in the mornings and so I asked.

Thulani (19) said that of course he unplugged the liquidizer every night as a “safety issue.”

He enlarged:

“Well dad, what if you walked in your sleep, came downstairs, put your hand into the liquidizer, turned it on and you lost your fingers? You won’t be able to play the piano anymore.”

I pointed out that none of us sleepwalks and that I never put my hands into the liquidizer even when awake. He agreed.

I asked if he’d be unplugging the dishwasher and washing machine in case I drowned and I think he said I was being ridiculous.

April 2, 2023

Welcome to a new week…..

by Rod Smith

At the start of a new work week may I offer you encouragement?

Stop hiding who you are behind a desire to be accepted or to fit in. 

Let people know who you are and what you want. 

This does not mean you have to be pushy or overbearing. 

In both strong and subtle ways define yourself. 

Leave little up to guesswork. 

Do this, even if you start in very small and incremental ways, with the people you are close to and to the people whom you love. This may take some people by surprise and even catch them off guard, but the people who love you will be delighted to hear your voice.   

You will immediately begin to feel less anxious when you begin to define yourself. As you advocate for yourself, even in the smallest of ways, you will begin to like what you see and what you feel and think, and you will grow even more beautiful than you already are. If you have been a “I just fit in with others” or “I hate conflict” kind of person you will begin to notice you will have lower levels of anxiety as you reverse your “fit in” and “avoid conflict” tendencies and allow your personality and your wishes to emerge and ultimately shine.

Welcome to a great week.

March 26, 2023

Fully adult?

by Rod Smith

I believe we are fully adulthood when: 

We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.

We respect mutuality and equality, and want both in all of our relationships.

We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately, and decided to live to the fullest. 

We can delay gratification.

We have stopped blaming others for the condition of our lives, especially our parents. 

Ambiguity, mystery, and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can hold seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.

We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel, or behave like victims.

We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell anyone everything.

We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible and efficiently clear up misunderstandings. 

We can see that all things are related and are therefore hesitant to apply quick solutions to complex problems. We respect the law of unexpected consequences.

We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.

We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart yet remain appropriately engaged with such people.

March 26, 2023

Leadership sinkholes

by Rod Smith

Managing will consume you. If you don’t watch your step you’ll be seduced into thinking that managing IS leading. The two will become confused and leading will morph into managing – not the reverse. Endless administrative tasks will drown you. The risk-averse, the anxious employees among you (mostly managers) will exercise power and keep you managing to keep you from leading. They are managers. That’s what they do. Of course they will try to manage you. Then, the very same people will complain, “There’s just no leadership around here!” It’s a sinkhole. Avoid it.

Over-listening to whiners. If you allow the whiners among you too much of an ear they will drown out healthy voices. Whiners are often very aggressive, especially when ignored. They’ll feel entitled to shape your job. Don’t let them. Whiners are NEVER satisfied. Whatever you do will never stop their whining. Listen to whiners, yes, but listen to the healthy, the enthusiastic, and the busy, motivated people six times as much. Pole-vault this sinkhole.

Tripping over the remains of your predecessor. I am all for honoring the past, but leaders must determinedly point to a greater future. Resist the understandable urge to protect the memory of whomever you follow, especially if you are doing it in the hopes of gaining acceptance from those who loved the previous leader. It’s a sinkhole. Flee it.

March 20, 2023

Respect

by Rod Smith

What does respect look like? 

Respect is placing high value on privacy, even, perhaps especially, between and among people who are very intimate with each other. The deeper and greater the intimacy, the greater the need for individual space, even opportunities for extended solitude.

Respect is listening, it’s having the willingness to focus on what another is saying without correcting, interpreting, or interrupting. It’s developing an eye for what another may need or want and looking for ways to serve one another. It’s having an eye for mood and occasion, the ability to read a moment and to sense when strong emotions may call for deeper understanding.

Respect is having an ear for what is not said. It’s the capacity to read between the lines, to discern what may be uncomfortable to express. It is developing an ear to honour what another finds painful, the ability to understand that loved ones may hide pain, may want pain concealed, from some, but not from all.

Respect is found in the appropriate use of touch, touch to affirm, the kind of that says “You are not alone,” and expresses warmth, declaring the pleasure it is to share life with another.

[Merc 3/20/23]

March 18, 2023

Something a little longer for Sunday….. 

by Rod Smith

One thing I notice about the parables of Jesus and other favorite New Testament events, even Jesus one-liners, is that just as soon as I think I understand the parable, the event, the one-liner, it does a number on me.

Refuses to be conquered.

Reveals I’m scratching the surface in understanding, let alone application.

I know this to be true as I study Jesus’ desert trials, His relationship with Peter, betrayals, the terrors of Gethsemane, The Transfiguration, The Woman caught in adultery, “love your enemies,” to name a few. 

For 10 years (at least) these events in Jesus’ life and many of His sayings have refused to let me go and keep offering me more and more opportunities for understanding and for application.

Who really knows what Jesus meant when he said “a seed must die to bear fruit” (John 12:24) and I am not talking botany?

Every believer worth his or her salt has a go at “unpacking” (my least favorite verb I hear in Christendom) this but I think most attempts at interpretation fail to grasp the larger application of the metaphor, let alone how the “death” occurs and how it applies to you and to me.

 Let me know if you think you know. 

Parables, if we are willing to resist the thought that we already know all there is to know about any one of them, will unfold meaning for years and go deeper and deeper into the willing heart with revelation.

Thinking I know becomes a blockage. My blockage. Time after time reading them I go back to what I already know, which keeps new understanding waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get a moment on stage.

Another thing I find blocks my learning is when I become an insight addict and seek insight and more insight into Scripture but resist or refuse to put the insights into the daily-life action.

Insight, without accompanying action, is not only useless, it blocks further revelation. Then, if I get any insight, refusing to act on what I see becomes a ditch into which my insight tumbles and I become another of millions upon millions of Christains who are incredibly insightful who are very willing to talk, often endlessly, about what they see in whatever be the Biblical topic. And that’s about it.

My gosh, have I met some insightful and loquacious Christians?

Certainty, too, seals shut possibilities of growth and learning. 

It stops discovery. Certainty block’s revelation. 

I find embracing ambiguity and possibility for behavior change opens the floodgates to new understanding and new ways to be in the world.

Understanding Scripture requires change. Transformation. Understanding Scripture will demand it be more than an academic exercise and will seek to influence who and how we are as men and women in our various roles in our various communities and within our families.   

I have read the “Prodigal Son” many many times and have often thought I have a reasonable take on Jesus’ point. My perspectives change if I read it as if I am the Older Brother when my default has always been to read it as the younger, returning son, the “good” guy. When reading the parable from the Older Brother’s point of view I have no problem understanding why he has an issue with the upstart’s return and why he avoids the party. If I read it from the perspective of the Father it doesn’t take long before I am reduced to tears. I think I know that kind of love, at least as much as I am able. My sons have been trying to teach me about it since they entered the world and broke into my heart.

Shifting my point of view when I read “The Good Samaritan” also allows for new insights. I start from the perspective of the “questioning” lawyer. Then I move on through Jesus’ list of characters and end up reading it as the victim who receives assistance from the Samaritan.

When I read it as The Samaritan, I am reduced to tears.

In contrast to the “trained” and the professionals, the ones who should know, the rejected one is the loving one, the one who was never considered a neighbor, the “other,” is the one who goes the extra mile and loves his enemy and models neighborliness.

Have a fabulous Sunday.