June 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
A little health on your part can shift an entire community...
For teachers and adults who work at schools (applies also to offices, mission organizations, churches):
1. Mind your own business – you know, the tasks you are employed to complete.
2. Take care of every aspect of your own job before you give time to noticing what someone else is, or is not, doing.
3. Never initiate or perpetuate gossip of any kind – it is always a sign that you are avoiding your own stuff, trying to deflect the attention off something you are hiding.
4. Tell the truth. Anything less will ultimately run you down.
5. Apologize when necessary and try to learn from your mistakes.
6. Get “you need” and “you must” and “you should” out of your vocabulary when you are talking to adults. Children need guidance and instructions. Trust the adults around you to be adult.
7. Stand up to anyone who asks you to do something unethical or immoral.
8. Thank and affirm people who are doing a good job in a manner that gets the person the greatest amount of positive exposure. Resist affirming others to make yourself look good. Teachers seem particularly good at this. (“I want to thank Joe for the wonderful work he does -at making me look even more wonderful.”)
9. Resist frequent reference to your past personal achievements and how long you have been in education. Unfortunately, no one is really interested and, besides, it gets really tiresome.
10. Realize you are at school to work. You are not at school to make friends, or to ease your loneliness or find your lost childhood. You are there to work and feed and support your family and to further the goals of the school.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Grace |
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June 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been a stepmother for 7 years. It’s misery. I would never do this again. I have no one to blame. I saw perfectly well that my husband’s ex was a ‘basket case’ for the three years we dated. I saw that my stepdaughter was truly a spoiled brat. Lots of ‘divorce guilt’ led her to getting whatever she wanted. I saw that my husband was not cut out for serious parenting and yet I married him. He’s got many other great qualities including being a good stepfather to my son! Our marriage is solid but the amount of turmoil his daughter stirs 
Take up your life
Your observation that your husband is not cut out for “serious parenting” is pivotal. Under functioning is more dangerous than a “basket-case” ex. Things will change if he notches up his functioning to fully fulfill his role. You’re protecting him. Your mutual relationship with the daughter is not primarily in the mother’s hands. In a day or two I will write more about ‘under-functioning’ – it is pernicious and has far reaching consequences. Its effects can impact a family for generations.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother |
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June 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
I will try and teach you to love the power of love more than to love power. I will honor, respect and love your mother/father and hope that you will do so too. I will help you on your journey and tell you the truth even if it might seem easier to lie. I will give you the best of everything I have and everything I own.
I will try to say yes more than I say no. I will risk more, play more, and laugh more than I have in the past. I will respect your freedom (even babies and children need freedom and “space”) and I will allow you as much freedom as possible according to your age.
I will not jump to your every call, wipe your every tear, or give you everything you ask for. I will not protect you from any of life’s “little dangers” or expected risks. I will not be anxious if you are bored, or dissatisfied because things failed to go your way.
I love you, I want you, I am committed to you – but for my sake and for yours, and with wisdom and necessary accommodations I will continue to do many of the things I enjoyed before you were born.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children |
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June 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Love prevails. I am not referring to the kind of love associated with romance, although such love is of course vastly important. I am referring to a love that is beyond romantic attraction, love that is usually beyond humans unless they know, first-hand, something about suffering, something about loss, hurt, about loneliness and abandonment.
The love that prevails is sometimes born in people who know how painful life can be. I say sometimes, because tough events can also produce bitterness, not love, in others. Prevailing love is not about good feelings, about an emotional high, nor is it about being known or rewarded for good deeds.
The kind of love is born or developed in the wake of suffering prevails because it has learned that there is goodness in others, that there is hope in the world, that there is reward in believing in the goodness of others.
Love people today. Do something counter-cultural to the spirit of self-seeking in your office, at the hospital where you work, or at the school where you teach. Offer a open hand of love and generosity to a struggling person. Turn your own reservoir of pain and suffering into an act of love.
Love prevails, and it wants to prevail in you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love |
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June 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
Let's talk
(a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.
Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.
Suggestions:
1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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June 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have a son (7) who is a lovely child who can be manipulative. He gets his own way most of the time which my husband allows and which I find hard to accept. I think my husband spoils the boy because he’s our only child. My son ‘takes’ to my husband more and if I discipline my son my husband gets offended and screams and shouts at me in presence of the child. At the moment I am much stressed and haven’t a clue what to do. My son’s behavior is becoming intolerable and beginning to irritate me. It’s like I’m heading for a nervous breakdown.” (Edited)
Take up your life....
– one person is trapped by the collusion of at least two others. This common set-up can be particularly painful for the marginalized parent. Screaming at each other will only make the triangle more rigid. While speaking up (no screaming or shouting!) is unlikely to get your husband’s attention I’d suggest you continue to try. Address the issues when the environment is less “charged” or emotionally neutral. If this fails, plan something benign yet radical to amplify or to expose the triangle. If it is clever, even humorous, it might get your husband’s attention.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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May 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
fight with three goals in mind:
1. To be able to love each other more.
2. To be able to better understand each other.
3. To be able to resolve conflicts or accept conflicts that cannot be resolved.
Here are eight guidelines to foster healthy conflict:
a. Stay with the presenting issue – under stress people tend to go off on hurtful, unrelated tangents.
b. Don’t recruit the “Big Guns” like your in-laws, your parents, The Bible, or God to back up your point of view. (“My dad says…”)
c. Avoid sentiments like “now I understand why your ex left you” or “now I know why your children don’t like you.”
d. Resist retrieving past issues to embolden your position.
e. Don’t sneer, sigh, or roll your eyes, or give the “I’ve-heard-this-all-before” look.
f. Don’t call upon anonymous sources like “they” saw you or “someone” told me.
g. Listen more than you talk – this will help you remain engaged and validate your commitment.
h. Don’t compromise your voice – your relationship needs you to be more who you, not less who you are.
The military fight to kill and destroy. Lovers and family members fight to increase love and understanding.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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May 30, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am at a complete loss to understand people’s motivation for intentionally hurting others. I had been dating a most gentle, kind, generous, considerate, available, loving person for 4 years. We did have a few off-days but those were few and far between. Then out of the blue he declared he did not see me in his future. No signs, no warning but sudden withdrawal and the dreaded words. In an attempt to find an answer since none was offered I went through his phone memory and was devastated to find out that he was ‘playing’ about 20 other woman this past year. Some in long standing distance relationships, others in role playing, and others on an ‘as and when needed’ basis, ‘meet and greet,’ and travel partners. The break-up is recent. I haven’t spoken to him since his announcement. Prior to my discovery I told him respected his decision. What motivates this type of behavior?”
Take up your life....
I’d suggest the perpetrator, while aware of the deceit, probably felt he could handle the accumulation of multiple facades and keep his various worlds apart. The “dreaded words” come when the entanglements escalate and something has to crash!
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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May 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am getting married in a few months for the second time. I have two sons (8 and 10) and she has a daughter. My children do not live with us but she has her daughter who pays irregular visits to the child’s father. I want her ex to be more consistent or to not be in the picture at all. We sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants to do before we can make any plans. My fiancé cannot seem to see how selfish this is. Please help.”
You will face much bigger hurdles....
is not “in the picture” for you and nor should he be “out” of the picture simply to make your life easier. Get used to the idea that your soon-to-be wife’s ex-husband is an integral part of his daughter’s life. Until a court of law decides the man is unfit to fill his role as the child’s father I’d suggest you do all you can to make the child’s relationship with her father as uncomplicated as possible.
Yes. Of course you and your fiancé, together, ought to have a conversation with him about how he may assist in making all of your lives less complicated. Be assured your upcoming marriage will confront you with far more complex situations than this one.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Re-marriage, Reactivity |
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May 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Call me...
It’s the petty jealousies, I’ve noticed, are often the heart of the gravest discord. A venture fails, a woman cuts off from her family, a teacher walks out of a school never to return; a business office is plagued with inter-personal struggles. Examine it. Get to the heart of the matter. I bet you it started with someone being overlooked.
Another got the praise. A name was omitted. Thanks went to the “wrong” people. The office with a view – the larger company car, the newest computer, the high-back desk chair – went to a more junior employee. It’s these matters, not graver concerns that are usually at the heart of discontent.
I am sure the White House and other centers of power are similarly contaminated with petty jealousies. The “I’ve-known-the-president-longer-than-you” kind of talk probably occurs as frequently in those hallowed halls as parallel themes surface (or fail to surface) in your boardroom, staff room, or at your breakfast table.
To desire recognition is human. To ruin relationships when it is not forthcoming is a sad commentary on one of the many complexities that come with the package of being human.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening |
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