March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”
I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”
it will be from the fire, into the fire.....
Until you find some peace with your marriage, or until you are free of it for a year or two, any man who shows you some thoughtfulness and attention will appear as a knight in shining armor. Don’t confuse attention with love.
Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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March 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I cheated on my wife. She was easy, telling me daily about her lack of love and missing a man. She had a husband but confided in me. My wife worked a lot to better our finances. I wish I could undo the affair. Men lie to get sex. I didn’t think of her until the next time I went back for sex. She used the ‘love’ word and to make sure I got what I wanted I used it too. Even if my wife had left me she wasn’t my type. Men do lie. I made her think I cared. I’d send her cards to make sure I got what I wanted. When my wife found out she threatened to leave and says I ruined her life. The other woman wanted me but I didn’t want her. I would rather stay with my wife and not have love than to be with the other woman. She was ‘okay’ in bed, but that’s all.” (Edited of derogatory terms for women)
No, sir, not all men lie – but you do. Once you see there is more to life than sex, and more to people than objectifying them, you might (it is a possibility) move beyond your apparent fixation with your private parts and discover real joy.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries |
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February 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have a daughter (5) and I have been with my partner for over a year. My daughter stays with her grandparents during the week to help me with gas. My partner does not work and I pay all the bills. He gets angry with me because he believes that I do not hold my daughter accountable. I don’t hit my child but I do talk to her so she has an Rod Smith, MSMFT
This will go nowhere worth going for you until you love yourself more than you love your daughter and you love your daughter more than you love him. I’d suggest you devise an immediate escape plan. Your daughter, not this manipulator, is your responsibility.
Jean Hatton
‘held accountable’ is a good idea, but not concerning him. I would ask you to consider that you have brought this man into your home and by so doing, have put yourself and your daughter’s well being at risk. It sounds like he has done nothing but add stress and guilt to your life as he makes demands on you to keep him happy. Loving your daughter is your priority. Be accountable for the decision that you made to bring this angry controlling man into your lives — and choose the healthy way out.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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December 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Not every married man’s situation is the same. I have a friend who is a married man who happens to be so unhappy it just makes my heart break. He has been nothing but the sweetest guy for me. Whether or not we end up together isn’t the end goal, it’s ALL about being happy and sharing that with each other. It is true an extremely happy marriage won’t leave a spouse ripe for an affair, but to tell someone they have to stay miserable while in one and have no way to share happiness with another human being is absurd.”
Deal with what you have, first.
Any relief a married man finds outside of his marriage will be short-lived and heartbreaking to all concerned. The issue regarding “your” unhappy man is not whether he can be “sweet” to you but whether he can be honest with his wife. Of course I am aware that not all marriages must continue for some are beyond toxic, but the solution is not reached by searching outside of the marriage while a person is still in it.
Affairs are seductive, seducing you away from the real problem, and preventing an arrival at its solution. If it is ” ALL about being happy and sharing with each other” and you choose to do so with a man who is married, it will ALL be very powerful, and very temporary.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries |
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December 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
Some things are overrated for their power to shape people. Before I am barraged with mail, kindly note I am not suggesting these things are not important. I am suggesting they are offered more power to heal or hurt than appropriate:
1. Parenting: While of course it is important parents do all they can to be good parents, do the right and loving thing, and be available to help and correct and love their young – multiple factors influence and shape children into adults. Thank God my children are infinitely more than, much more, than a product of my parenting.
2. Empathy: Counselors spend much time developing their ability to embrace the experience of the client – as if understanding the client, feeling what the client feels, is in itself the silver bullet of greater mental health. Empathy is not, in itself, a useful end. Thank God my professors offered me personal challenges, invited me to embrace change, while also attempting to understand and embrace my experience.
3. Childhood: I believe our self-help culture has managed to convince the masses that, pivotal to ensuring healthy adulthood, is a happy childhood. While no one in their right mind desires an unhappy childhood for any child, an unhappy childhood does not preclude a person from a full, purposeful, and prosperous adulthood. Look around you: many men and women with the most troubled of childhoods have risen above it all and changed the world – for good.
Posted in Adolescence, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships |
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December 12, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Once again my wife is accusing me of having affairs. This happens almost every year around this time of the year as I am more social with work activities than she prefers. I have NEVER had an affair and as far as I can predict I don’t think I ever will. I am not very happily married but I know an affair would not any good. Her late dad was repeatedly unfaithful and it caused lots of problems for the family. My wife really is seeing her father’s problems and projecting them onto me. I am not looking for advice. I just want to show you that some things are passed down as I have often read in your column.” (Edited)
Where is this stuff coming from? Many years back....
issues as if they began in the here and now. It is regretful that your wife has allowed suspicion to crowd her awareness to the point that it gets in the way of how you relate day to day.
My challenge to you, although you are seeking no advice, would be to find a way to become more fully who you are, in order that your marriage might be better positioned to deliver you from your current state of being unhappily married.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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November 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I love and trust her fidelity. However there is one thing that I find it quite difficult to cope with and that is that she likes to keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends and lovers. This causes me quite a lot of pain. Am I abnormal? Do I need therapy?”
Open your hand....
unless there are related behaviors you are not telling me about like outbursts of rage on your part. I do not believe you need therapy. I have received many letters with a similar theme and met face-to-face with many couples in the same boat. The issue will not be solved if your wife severs contact with her past relationships.
You are the one with the feelings (the anguish, the uncertainty) and therefore the one with the opportunity to grow. Matters will be “solved” or alleviated for you, when you open your hand and facilitate her freedom to befriend, within the commitments of your marriage, whomever she desires. These relationships predate you, and you are her obvious choice of a life-partner. Work on yourself, not on her. If you work (force, plead, strong-arm, attempt to manipulate) on her, you will only alienate her and turn your internal world upside down.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
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November 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
My ex-girlfriend won’t let go. We have been broken up for three years and had many conversations covering the reasons the relationship did not work. She continued to buy me clothes, make me food, send me cards, and try to see me for one last thing she needed to understand. I think I have been very patient but everything I say has to be broken down into precise meanings and explained to death. Here is the simple truth: I don’t want to be her boyfriend any longer and she doesn’t seem to get it. When I tell her I am free 
She won't let go....
Do not enter into any conversations in the attempt to explain yourself. You will not end viral activity (she is not a virus, being “locked on” to you is evidence of an emotional virus) if you continue to feed or facilitate the virus in any manner. Change your phone numbers and your email address. Accept no more gifts of any sort – and return, unopened, gifts that arrive.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband checks my emails, my cell phone and computer history, and my credit card statements. He also grills me daily about my conversations. He’d really prefer me not to work so he knows where I am and what I am doing but we need the money. You’d think I have a history of indiscretions the way he goes on. He’ll even know I have written this email to you and he won’t be happy about it. What can I do?”
Stand up to him....
you are going to have to take back the legitimate power you have over your life. Jealousy and controlling behavior are NEVER signs of love. The man has a virus and cooperating with it (the virus) will only make things worse. While you have been conditioned to think you have few or no options, you have more than you realize.
Understanding you will pay for your actions, stand up to him, change your passwords – do whatever it takes to secure your privacy. That you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean anyone (even your husband) ought to have the freedom to look. Men who have the need to control their wives usually have real control over little else. If, as a result of your stand, he gets a life of his own, he won’t have the need to monitor or be so consumed with yours.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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