August 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is nagging me about my two to three beers every night and a few cigarettes before dinner. He is telling me that I am an alcoholic and out of control. He has convinced my children (22 and 19) that I have a ‘big problem.’ He can have his gin tonic and cigars and my kids say nothing. When I open a beer I get the dirtiest look. They are giving me a complex and my husband is using it as a power tool. I am thinking of leaving for a while as it is blown out of proportion. How do I stop this madness?”
USA
in order to drink a few beers every night may indicate alcoholism as your issue. But you are correct, two or three beers a day is no proof that you are an alcoholic. Yet, as a result of drinking your relationships are more stressed and your drinking is doing little to improve the atmosphere in your home.
If “two or three beers every night” is really not an issue then I’d suggest you stop for six months to demonstrate the powerlessness of alcohol over you. This done, your family will agree that drinking is a choice over which you have total control.
ACT, Australia
…what a profound statement you have made! After reading your email, I thought it was a great way to summarize the relational dynamics in your household. But not only in your household but everywhere, where power and control rule how we relate to one another. How we want to change another’s behavior because we are uncomfortable with our own. And how we hurt each other in the process. Your perspective is accurate – and changing the madness takes passion and courage and commitment because there is a way through.
Midwest, USA
Sometimes, although it may be hard to hear, our family, because they know us so well, are able to point out patterns of behavior that are destructive. If this is not the case, then stop drinking two to three beers nightly. You could stop altogether for a few weeks or you could limit your intake to one a night, five days a week. This should discourage the dirty looks and help you from developing a “complex” about it. If this is difficult for you to do then perhaps there is TRUTH to what they are saying. If they love you, listen to them.
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August 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Rock the boat, don't sink it....
– the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.
2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.
3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have tried for months to draw my wife’s attention to her weight. She is overweight by several kilos and doesn’t seem to care. This is very important to me. It is not about sex. I just feel embarrassed to be with a woman who doesn’t seem to care what she looks like. Help.”
USA
of exactly the manner in which you have tried to draw your wife’s attention to her weight. Such an account would offer me volumes of material about regarding how you relate, communicate, handle and resolve conflict with each other. It also might become a guide of what NOT to do or say.
The lower your emotional health (the less healthy you are) the greater will be your fixation with her weight – you will believe that her weight somehow reflects on you, reveals something about you, or is somehow your business. If allowed, you will become obsessed with her weight, eating, and exercise routine to the point that it will damage more than your sex life.
The higher your functioning (the healthier you are), the less you will notice her weight and you will certainly not feel responsible for her weight or embarrassed by it.
Focus on YOUR emotional health and not on her weight. If you push her, remember that even in the emotional realm, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
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July 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Now 11
days Thulani was home from the hospital I got separate visits from two
real Christian women.
“I want you to know I don’t support your decision to adopt a baby,” said the one.
“Don’t you think we should find him a real family? There’s still time,” said the other.
In their defense, which I was blind to at that point, I should have recognized their legitimate concerns. It’s not that I’d demonstrated an overly nurturing persona, nor had there been any suggestion that I was looking to adopt (because I wasn’t). But the visits were invasive. I was not appealing to either of these women for help, permission, or guidance – and neither was, at best, more than an acquaintance.
It makes me think of the woman I ran into somewhere and much later (I really do forget where and when) who suddenly burst out, quite vehemently, having picked up pieces of our story: “You might have had these boys as babies all by yourself, but let me tell you this, you have never breast fed a baby and you’ll never know that joy.”
Before I could affirm her observation she was gone.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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July 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
It all connected...
experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.
“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) is connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man whom I have refused to talk to for the past five years?”
Indeed.
“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”
Indeed.
When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships. A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows. Yes. It is all indeed connected.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Responsive people, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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July 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
Readers, kindly offer your insights through “comments” and read the therapists’ (Jean’s, and Kathryn’s) opinions in a day or two.
“I have been married for eight months to a man who seemed well educated and liberated. Barely months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me over a trivial things. In disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, and blamed me for his outbursts saying I ‘provoked him’. We started therapy. I see him not getting violent. He is as touchy as ever, argues for hours, days even though I beg him to leave me alone. He makes demands and expects me to fulfill them and shows no appreciation. He makes me feel like I am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?”
From Canberra
Are you able to tell him how you feel about the way he treats others in comparison with how he treats you? Would you be prepared to tell him that you won’t tolerate his choices to be violent with you? Change can happen, when you change the way you relate to him when he inflicts pain on you. If you need professional help to implement this, I suggest you go for it.
Can YOU change?
Do not cooperate with his pathological outbursts and bullying. Leave whenever it begins. Say, “I’ll come back when you get over yourself and begin behaving like an adult.” Expose his dark side to your closest family and friends. These patterns of his behavior did not begin with you and nor are they provoked by you, and are beyond your role as a wife to even begin to attempt to fix. The man needs help (and discipline, and a tough stand) beyond the calling of any wife. In short, get out of the way of his pathology, expose – as far as you are able and as far as it directly affects you – his charming appearance, and find your own powerful voice whenever you have to deal with him.
Midwest, USA
You’re the closest person to him, therefore he chooses to release it on you. Blaming you for his outbursts is his way of not dealing with it, which allows him to continue doing so, as long as you are a willing participant. You have the power to let him know what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Take it back. He may need individual therapy before marriage therapy may prove helpful.
READER RESPONDS (NO PICTURE AVAILABLE): Regarding the query from the woman whose husband is so discontented (Mercury, 16 July 2009) – this man has no concept of what it really means to love someone, let alone be contented. In fact, he sounds very self-centred and immature. A Don Francisco song goes, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”. There is also a book on depression, by Minirth and Meier, with a title I like: “Happiness is a Choice”. There are plenty of other cliched truisms along this theme.
The concepts of love and marriage have been done a great disservice by the media’s romance industry. Yes, there is a place for romance, passion and excitement, but these are essentially self-centred and depend on feelings. One cannot remain infatuated and at a peak of passion all one’s life. True love is unconditional and other-centred, not self-centred – on both sides of the relationship. It values the other person and involves mutual commitment and fidelity, regardless of what life throws at them. In a one-sided relationship, there is a giver and a taker, which is unbalanced. The tragedy is that this man will probably leave a trail of broken hearts as he pursues his self-centred agenda, charming women then getting bored once the infatuation abates. He really needs to grow up!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is steadily gaining weight. He is obese (30kg over-weight) and we’re in our thirties. I’ve tried changing to a healthy eating routine and he loses interest. I’ve bought trainers to encourage him to begin walking with me. I have told him directly he needs to lose weight and he does nothing. It angers me that I make the effort to stay in shape by eating healthily and exercising regularly for various reasons, one of which is so that he can be proud of me in public. I am turned off in the bedroom and avoid intimacy whenever. I’m bothered that I’m looking at other men because I do love my husband. How do I get him to realize that this is a serious issue for me without hurting his feelings?”
KATHRYN: Pushing him to lose weight is producing the opposite results. No amount of energy spent on your part will ever be enough. The weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts about other men points to intimacy problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Plan a date for the two of you and look beneath the layers of subcutaneous tissue where you will indeed find your husband again. Energy spent in this way will not be wasted and perhaps he will begin discovering who he is and see you again in the process.
ROD: 1. Get his weight off your shoulders by telling him your complete truth. Your emotional health is more important than his feelings. Incredibly, he is free to dig his grave with his teeth or to find appropriate help.
2. Never have sex you don’t want.
3. Realize that while you perceive yourself as responsible for his health you will ruin your own. While it’s your issue it will never be his. The best help you can be is by NOT helping.
4. Get out of his sinking boat by taking your hands off his diet, exercise, and image. Remember the more your work the more he won’t. Sorry, this is not because your husband is in some manner peculiar, it is the nature of dependency.
JEAN: If you are frustrated that your husbandhas gained weight since your marriage, there must be frustration on his part too. Advice we listen to; but it’s pain we obey. Your husband will need to realize himself that he doesn’t want to be overweight because recovery for him will be hard work. Addiction in a relationship can subtly draw in the partner who tries to ‘fix’ the other. When he or she can’t, he or she can become controlling, angry, and resentful. Find ways to encourage your husband but look after your own needs. Seek help about wanting someone else.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Recovery, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am struggling to keep my marriage together. My wife, a heavy smoker, smokes in the house, in every room, and even smokes in the bedroom when I am there. She smokes watching television. She does not care where she smokes. As a trained nurse she should know better. I have asked her to be considerate and smoke in places that will not affect her families’ health. The request falls on deaf ears. She reminds me that I was once a smoker. I make her tea every morning and we drink it together, then she lights up. She works from her office at home and smokes continuously. I cannot sit and talk to her in the office, as the smoke is terrible. What should I do?”
Kathryn Powell
has no bearing and, is no reason to compromise your health by continuing to allow your wife to smoke in the home you share. Putting herself at risk for lung cancer is her prerogative. Jeopardizing your health, and your children’s health, shows her lack of respect. When the smoke is present, you are not. Consider looking at how you have allowed the smoke to act as a barrier in your marriage.
Smokescreen!
Deeper, longer-lasting, unresolved matters among you lay beneath every pack of cigarettes. And, Sir, it is easy to think you are the hero/victim (having quit the habit) and to think of your wife as the villain for persistently lighting up. These matters are seldom simple. Couples therapy is highly recommended and that you find a professional with the chutzpa to help you and your wife find, then fight, your enduring unresolved battles.
Three Cs
in regards to your marriage. The first is
‘Care for yourself’; the second
‘Care for your mate’ and the last is
‘Care for your marriage’. Seek help in why you have poured yourself out for your family with little thought to your own needs. You will be surprised at what you find.
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July 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
ONE QUESTION / THREE THERAPISTS ANSWER INDEPENDENTLY:
“I am divorced and engaged. Our relationship was idyllic and we plan to be married in September. I have serious misgivings. He is fine when not drinking though as soon as alcohol is involved he thinks nothing of disappearing for days on end, doesn’t take my calls and skips work. He always has a reason for this hurtful behavior – it’s normally my fault. He has been in a rehabilitation centre early last year at risk of losing his job and was fine for a few months and then reverted to this pattern again. As I type he is continuing with last night’s party, called in sick and is refusing to talk to me. When this binge is over he is very apologetic. My previous marriage was very similar, which brings me to wonder if I drive my partners to alcohol. I’m terrified of failing at another relationship.”
You don't DRIVE him anywhere....
If you were that powerful you could similarly “drive” them away from it. I’d encourage you to discover why you find drunks attractive. If being engaged is stressful, full of games of hide, seek, and blame – your marriage will be all this and much, much more. Cut ties, move on, don’t date, and get healthy!
Jean, Canberra, Australia
Everything that you communicate about this person who, by the way, is who he is because he chooses to be and not because you “drive” him to it, indicates that he is not a good candidate for marriage. Take steps to find out why you are so vulnerable to loving this kind of a man.
Alcohol is HIS problem...
It will not improve until he is willing to take necessary steps. Marrying him will solve nothing. Learning from your previous marriage is essential. His blaming and cutting you off are unloving behaviors, regardless of how well he apologizes. Over-functioning for him will help no one. Take steps to get yourself healthier and all your relationships, even with your daughters, will benefit.
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