November 18, 2006
by Rod Smith
I will not be contained.....
1. It is never acceptable for you to scream at, or hit, the children or me.
2. It is never acceptable for you to confine the children or me.
3. It is never acceptable for you to break things or throw things even if you own the house and everything in it.
4. It is not acceptable for you to cut me off from the world by taking my money or keys, phone, or personal items.
5. I will not ride in the car with you when you are angry or drunk.
6. It is never acceptable for you to force or manipulate me into sex or sexual practices I do not want.
7. I will not accept responsibility for your outbursts of anger or violence.
8. Being really sorry for your behavior is not enough – you must get professional help.
9. Forgiveness is not enough – you must get professional help.
10. When I tell you forgiveness is not enough, that I will not come back to you, don’t turn it on me and say I know nothing about forgiveness.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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November 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife is constantly on her cell-phone. She is so “connected” with (text) messages and calls that it has more power over her than she realizes. It’s a drug. Even the children notice that she can hardly have a conversation without having one eye on the phone. Sometimes I want to flush it down the toilet. What should I do?
Push back will not help at all.....
Flushing it down the toilet will clog more than your plumbing.
Keep in mind that it is hardly ever possible to force or push people into change others desire for them. You might have noticed people have a way of exerting equal pressure in the opposite direction (they “push back”) when they feel coerced, cornered or trapped.
Therefore, I’d suggest you do as little as possible but to attempt to create the ambiance for a helpful conversation about your concern. Choose a relaxed, “unemotional” moment and gently, clearly state what it is that you think is an issue, then challenge your wife to consider the impact her response to her mobile phone is having upon her life and family.
It is hardly likely that this will be news to her, so challenge her to find her own way out of her electronic bondage (which of course, she might not consider a problem at all).
Posted in Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Voice |
4 Comments »
November 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. Be an agent of peace and goodwill, and supportive of all within my circle of influence
2. Be wise with the use of personal and shared resources
3. Be forgiving toward others, even when it is undeserved
4. Be kind, bold, and yet friendly
5. Be welcoming of children, patient with the elderly, hospitable to strangers, and considerate of the needs of those in my employ
6. Be helpful in and around the house
7. Be kind to my children’s teachers
8. Be outrageously generous
9. Be aware of the impact my life has upon others
10. Be grateful to all have taught me, encouraged me, and loved me.
Posted in Love |
1 Comment »
November 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
Posted in Uncategorized |
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November 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
My child (12) has become less and less interested in school over the past few months. He is lethargic and you’d think school was the worst place on Earth to have to go. He has always loved school and I don’t want him to become totally disengaged. Could it be the onset of puberty that is causing him to be so different than he was but a few months ago?
Yes. It could be the result of some of the physical changes he is, and will continue to face, as a young man. Do not allow this to be your way of excusing his lack of interest in school. Address his lethargy with him face-to-face in the most loving and kind way you are capable. Talk with him about the attitudinal changes you have noticed, but offer him no excuse for the adaptations he will have to make in order to stay on top of his academic pursuits. Your son, if he is to be a success, will have to adjust to a lot more in his life than the onset of puberty. As confusing as this time may be for him, offering it to him as an excuse to be lazy will only add to his confusions. If his lethargy persists, take him to your pediatrician for a check-up.
Posted in Children, Communication |
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November 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Dear Rod:
I take the liberty of addressing you as Rod because to me you are a friend I meet every weekday at breakfast. I am from Dbn and read the Mercury every morning. I too have been subjected to invasive questions such as those listed. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have no illusions about how insensitive people can be and take it in my stride. It is when my adopted daughter, who is now 15 years old, is at the receiving end , that I get upset. My way of dealing with this is by ensuring that my daughter feels very secure and loved and is able to talk to me about her adoption any time she needs to. (She was told by us, her parents, at a very young age, that she was adopted.) We, of course did this appropriately, taking her age into consideration. She is aware that most people are unintentionally hurtful and is past making her adoption the focus of her existence. You, of course, have it different because yours is also inter-racial and an adoption is more obvious. You have my greatest respect and good wishes and you and your children will always be in my prayers.
Regards and best wishes
Faeeza
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Twelve things to resist asking parents of adopted children:
1. Where did you get them?
2. Who are the real parents?
3. Are these your real children?
4. Are they real brothers?
5. How long have you had them?
6. Do you find it easy to love children who are not your own?
7. Do you worry that one day they will leave you and look for their real family?
8. Do you know his medical history?
9. Why did their real mother reject them?
10. Did you know my brother (sister, uncle, aunty, in-laws, former neighors) adopted a child twenty years ago and it ruined their family?
11. Do you think you love them as much as you’d love your own children?
12. Have you caste the spirit of rejection out of them?
All of the above – in one form or another – have been asked of me over the past eight years. The worst, or most ignorant of offenders, are those persons who are so wildly invasive that they ask the questions in front of the children, as if the children are deaf or invisible, and then consider me rude for politely (sometimes not so politely) letting them know that some things are none of their business!
Posted in Children, Teenagers |
11 Comments »
November 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My father cut out your article about dating a divorced person. I have been divorced for a little over a year and have met a ‘soon-to-be-divorced’ man. To be honest I have to admit many of the points struck home. I already have a bump on my head from my first marriage. I don’t have any space on my forehead for new bumps!”
A fulfilling relationship must be based on integrity. He is a married man, legally bound to another woman. Your presence in his life, no matter the condition of his marriage, will hinder that family as they try to save their marriage or get it amicably dissolved.
I’d suggest you terminate your affair until he has his legal affairs in order and then had a year being single. While he is yet married, and willing to see you, neither of you is serving your long-term wellness, well.
Innocent love, in itself, will give you bumps on the forehead. Knowingly entering an illicit affair makes you a willing target.
After you’ve let Mr-Soon-To-Be-Divorced know exactly where he stands, take your caring father to lunch. There are few better ways to ease the wounds on an aching forehead than to have lunch with a caring dad.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Love |
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October 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
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The former marriage has been amicably settled, and at least a full year has passed after the divorce has been final.
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He/she takes appropriate responsibility for the breakdown of the former marriage.
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He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before he/she wants to become sexually involved with any one person.
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He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives, and is paying his/her share of child support.
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He/she places a very high priority on rearing his/her own children, while at the same time is respectful of your children and your relationship with your children.
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He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
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He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, and the opposite sex, despite the breakdown of a previous marriage.
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He/she is not threatened by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
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He/she has deep regard for the process involved in establishing relationships, and is willing to take time to allow intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Divorce, Re-marriage |
3 Comments »
October 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
- You started dating before he/she had been divorced a year.
- You started dating before his/her divorce was final.
- You started dating before all the financial details of the previous marriage were completed, agreed upon, and settled.
- He/she places all blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the former spouse.
- He/she wants, or allows, sexual intimacy (with you or others) before any semblance of a relationship has had time to develop.
- He/she is cut off from his/her children, is not participating in their lives, and is not paying his/her share of child support.
- He/she is more interested in parenting your children than in parenting his/her own children.
- He/she is unable to conduct a meaningful conversation with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
- He/she talks viciously or flippantly about marriage, sex, or the opposite sex.
- He/she actively discourages you from meeting or making contact with the former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
- He/she has quickly become more to you than seems possible in such a short space of time.
- He/she tells you he/she has finally found true love in his/her relationship with you.
Posted in Boundaries, Victims, Voice |
8 Comments »
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