My fiancé and I are getting married in about a year and her mother is dominating every aspect of the wedding. Because she is paying for it does it give her the right to get her way in every detail? This upsets my fiancé so much and yet she will not say anything to her about it. Please write something about this – perhaps her mother will read it and back off a little.

I applaud your attempt to triangle me, but I am going to jump out of the middle of this once I have encouraged you to see: 1. It is your wedding. 2. She is your future mother-in-law. 3. You are engaged to a woman who has a voice she might want to use.

You’d all be better served if you all started to talk directly with each other regarding how each of you sees the big day, and what role each of you has in making it happen. If you really desire your bride’s mother to have no say in the design of the wedding, pay for it yourself. A better option would be a series of prolonged, honest discussions.

“My wife insists on making food for ill neighbors, baking cakes for the church, mending clothes for the homeless, knitting this and that for some missionary, and driving me crazy because she is so busy with doing things for others. I want some time for us to relax together and do some activities that do not always have to involve helping ‘the needy’ as she calls it. Our neighbors are far from ‘needy’ but she seems overly invested in doing things for other people at the neglect (‘neglect’ is too strong a term) of her husband. Maybe she’ll read this and know the letter is addressed to her.”

It appears you have been married for many years. I’d suggest you make requests of your wife to join you in activities you enjoy. If she chooses to proceed with her kind deeds, get out of her way, applaud her efforts, and continue to do what you enjoy.

You remind me somewhat of my father who’d playfully say our mother gave her parakeet more attention, and spoke to the bird, more than she spoke to him. He wondered if he should sit in the cage with the bird! All things considered, I’d suggest my parents were rather happily married.

“My brother and family are visiting from overseas. They have been out a lot and we have not seen much of them. I made a comment about wishing we could see more of our brother. His wife shouted abuse, ‘if there’s a divorce, it will be the fault of this family.’ She took the baby and moved out to her mother. Did I say something wrong? Should we keep quiet to avoid further tension?”

An in-law cannot “cause” a divorce – but your words could provoke exposure of the fault lines that are already in the marriage. So, continue to speak up. Speak directly to your brother and let him know you’d like to see more of him during his visit. Avoid using your sister-in-law to convey what you want to say to your brother. She is “laying eggshells” so everyone will “tread lightly” as she attempts to control her surroundings. As she has probably already silenced your brother (although I do not know this to be true) she is now attempting to silence you or at least keep you in check.

In a day or two I will write simple guidelines regarding how to visit family at “home” if you have chosen to live anywhere overseas.

“My daughter (22) is seeing a man who is 30. He has been married before while she has hardly had a boyfriend. I see him controlling her and this worries me. I know I have no say over her anymore but I stay awake at night watching this unfold and it is all too quick. Please help.”

Build, rather than burn, bridges. Express, as lovingly and quietly as possible, your concerns directly (face-to-face) to your daughter, and then step out of the way. If your daughter chooses to embrace this man into her life – which she is of course free to do – I’d encourage you to accept him and to include him into the broader family as thoroughly as possible.

That he has been previously married ought not be held against him – unless you, of course, have lived a perfect life.

I am thoroughly convinced that there are always reasons to hope. No matter how dire or conflicted the circumstance, no matter how bleak the prognosis, while there is life, and even beyond it, there remain reasons to be hopeful. Like you, I’ve seen hope in action. I’ve seen painful family scenarios, the most estranged of siblings, the most obstinate of personalities, turn, and find previously unimagined degrees of humility, and move in healthier directions.

But of course evil abounds, and it tries to rob us of hope. Of course men and women are capable of inflicting much hurt and destruction. But I believe that the good in this world by far outweighs the evil. There is goodness and kindness and benevolence latent in every man, woman, and child, and I believe it far exceeds an inner desire for hate and destruction.

And while I am well aware that this idea will be considered absurd in some circles, and heresy in others, I’d suggest that when a lonely woman reaches again for alcohol, or the deprived man engages in illicit behavior, or an adult or teenager self-destructs, these behaviors are desperate acts of prayer, desperate attempts at sanity, desperate attempts to relieve pain and even restore hope.