“I read the letter from the man saying that putting his spouse and family above his career is impossible. I am the sole breadwinner in my home. I have been working at a company for several years now and my salary is lower than it was when I joined them. I am told on a regular basis that the job I am currently doing does not warrant the salary I am being paid and they can get someone to do my job for half the salary. They keep adding responsibilities for which I earn not a cent extra. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. If I complain they will find a way of reducing my salary. If I keep quiet they will continue to abuse me. There are some days that I don’t say three sentences to my spouse. I empathise with your reader and his concerns about providing for his family. I am doing what I do to put a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, clothes on our backs. I know that you are 100% correct in your response but unfortunately in the South Africa’s working world many are battling to keep heads above water.”

Thank you. It is clear I am out of touch with how abusive some work environments can be.

“You said career comes after spouse and family. With my job that is impossible. My family has to make sacrifices of time with me for my work. You have no idea how demanding some jobs can be and they take a man away from his family.”

Sir, I’d say, given the opportunity, the same thing to the leaders of nations. If you can’t do both, you probably are not qualified for your choice of work. I’d suggest a man who is qualified, will be able to hold onto both his family and his job.

One of the severest tests of emotional wellbeing rests in the capacity to remain appropriately intimate with those whom we love while also pursuing what it means to provide for our families.

This is of course as true for men as it is for women.

Monday: clarify priorities / self-care trumps all. Then come spouse, children, and extended family. Last place is career. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to give of your best to anyone. If you place career above family there might come a day when you have neither career nor family. If your career is so demanding you have no time for your family then you are probably not equipped for your job. If you are emotionally ready for any work, in any field (and I’d say this is applicable to the President of the USA as much as it is to any person), you will be able to prioritize your work and home life so your career does not ruin your family.

Tuesday: express heartfelt gratitude. Let people know that you know you are not “self-made.” Acknowledge those upon whose shoulders you stand.

Wednesday: exercise generosity. Give something away. Pay for a stranger’s meal. Tip excessively. Leave sincere compliments everywhere you go.

Thursday: serve others. Find ways to empower those around you both at work and at home.

Friday: determine to have a face-to-face Friday. Come home unexpectedly early after work. Switch off your phone, computer, and television for 24 hours. Play board games with the people in your home rather than play on-line games with strangers whom it is unlikely you will ever meet.

Saturday: increase commitment to intimacy. Spend several hours with your spouse or significant other talking about matters each of you might have avoided in the past (recent or distant).

Sunday: rest, read, and play.

“My husband rarely gives me any affection. I can count the times that we have kissed in our marriage. I spend so many nights alone while he spends time on the computer or at work. It is unlikely that he is involved with anyone else but he has fallen out of love with me. I know we are very different in our personalities, but he has been escaping from financial stresses and delving into the fantasy game world for way too long. I have gone on with my life and have started to pursue with passion my love for music. I’ve joined a band and have accepted a challenging career. I have learned to cope with a man who is not affectionate and have examined myself to see what I have contributed in all of this. A wise friend of mine said, that God fixes the less obvious problems first in our life. While we’re so focused on the major problem such as our husband, God wants to work on us.”

Sounds like you have a plan and are implementing it. Your commitment to your future will empower you whether your marriage works out or not.

“As a child I used to think that if my parents loved me, they would give up drinking. It seemed logical. I remember being a part of an unsuccessful intervention at 7 or 8 that was initiated by an aunt. The interventionist coached me the day before, and, at the intervention, I was asked to read my letter. It mostly consisted of a lot of tears and, ‘I just don’t want you to drink anymore.’ I remember being so scared by this ‘adult’ problem that affected so many people in my life. I couldn’t grasp that they were willing to choose alcohol over their own lives. Now that I’m an adult with my own addictions, those memories are enough that I never want to have kids. I would never willingly put a child through that torture, and I don’t trust myself enough to think that I could avoid the same scenario.” (Minimal edits)

I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous hands down over “interventions.” People do what they want to do or feel compelled to do what they don’t want to do – and, until “rock bottom” is reached, not even a letter from a son or daughter is likely to help. A line in the film “Prince of Tides” that goes something like, “Our parents drink and we spend our whole lives with the hangover.”

“My son (21) is oppositional-defiant. When he sees me is instantly disrespectful. I have told him I loved him, sent cards, given gifts, and he is still disrespectful. He refuses to talk. Part of the problem is that he lives with my mother. She undermines me. She is always undermining and disrespecting me. My son is angry because, due to my depression, I lost custody and he grew up in a foster home. I fought unsuccessfully for years to get him back. I do not know how to make amends.” (Edited)

1. Recognize your son is an adult therefore free to be independent of his mother.
2. Give up attempts to make amends for a sad, difficult past.
3. No matter how difficult the past, it is he (not you) who is fully responsible for his future.
4. Cease the cards, gifts, and pleas. Chasing him will only intensify his resistance and potentially leave you feeling helpless, humiliated, and frustrated.
5. If you want to shift family matters, focus on your relationship with your mother. Your conflict has NOTHING whatsoever to do with your son. I trust the obvious parallels are clear.
6. If your son treats you poorly he will do the same to your mother. Have a third party assess her safety.

Size matters. In a family SIZE is all-important. I’ve seen many families where the children are “bigger” than the parents and their needs and wants determine almost everything. In such families the parents’ needs are continually ignored while every desire the children have is met.

Of course, in most families, parents willingly sacrifice for their children, but this ought not be the norm as it is in families with “super-sized” children.

I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships. Such toxic parent/child binds can be most tiresome and drain all the enjoyment out of family life.

When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant to be around) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly. “Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task. It is better not to worship children in the first place.

Bringing children “down to size” sounds harsh, even cruel. On the contrary, allowing or grooming children to be too big (dominant, controlling, demanding) is where the harshness and cruelty really begins. If you have discerned from yesterday’s column that your son or daughter is too big, it is probably not a good idea to suddenly impose all manner of restrictions and changes in an attempt to “bring him down to size.”

I would suggest that ALL the adults (biological, step parents, grandparents who foster the super-sizing of the child or cooperate with it) have an extended face-to-face conversation about your mutual issue. Depending on the size of the problem this might take several hours in which case I’d suggest you spread your meetings out over several weeks so people have a chance to think things through. (Talking about it is HALF the battle).

Implementing the strong, caring principles and their potential success that result from your conversations will hinge on the age of the child, upon how “late” the parents “catch” it, and on the adults’ ability to stay the course. As I said, it is not easy to un-spoil a child; the fact that children get too big in the first place is riddled with meaning.

It is not only children who can be too big in families. Dads and moms can be super-sized too, but it usually only one per family unit as there normally isn’t quite enough room in any household for two overtly self-centered people.

A super-sized (demanding, dominant, controlling) dad requires a wife to be super-small (submissive, voiceless, fearful). The really deceptive nature of this kind of family is that a small mother and a big father are often praised as “Biblical” order for the family – something I have even heard preached as if it is something for which to strive!

You can recognize a parent who is super-sized quite easily as you often can when faced with things or people that are really large: they get their own way no matter what, they sulk, stamp, and steam if they are resisted, they play the hurt puppy when they are not worshipped (honored, getting the attention they deserve), and they pull out the “big guns” on a regular basis (threatening, withholding, colluding, and “The Bible says”) if their desires are threatened.

The only way out of this hurtful and debilitating trap is for everyone to work on getting a voice (this is a way to increase in size) and to resist feeding pathology that has super-sized the controlling and demanding parent. Occasionally, in a remarkable display of humility, I’ve seen a super-sized dad get it and humble himself. But if it is tough to un-spoil a child, you must know how difficult it is to get a parent who thinks God wants him or her to be “in control” to be so unspiritual as to find authentic humility.