I devised a list of how to participate in the healing of men and women who have been hurt:

Be willing to listen, even if what is being said is what you’d prefer to not hear. Try not to re-engineer (re-frame, recast) what you have heard so it is more fitting with what you’d really like to hear.

Resist understandable attempts to short-circuit growth by trying to ease necessary pain, by offering false affirmations, and by accepting empty excuses for irresponsible behavior. Pain is a very good motivator for change. Resist the urge to remove it when it appears to be helpful.

Offer your presence, not your answers. “I am with you” is more helpful than “let me help you fix it.”

Welcome silence. There are ways to communicate that do not include words. Resist the understandable urge to chase healing and learning away with the incessant use of words and stories.

Avoid minimizing (“it’s not so bad!”) or rationalizing (“What else did you expect?”) or normalizing (“Anyone would have done that!”) the issues that resulted in pain. Do not rob necessary pain of its usefulness.

Promote “future thinking.” Ask questions focused on future wellness and success.

Try to avoid searching for the genesis (the cause) of what has led to pain. Where something comes from is not nearly as important living your way out of it.

Posted on August 11, 2025 at 2:43 pm in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Recovery, Shame, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL