“I read the letter from the man saying that putting his spouse and family above his career is impossible. I am the sole breadwinner in my home. I have been working at a company for several years now and my salary is lower than it was when I joined them. I am told on a regular basis that the job I am currently doing does not warrant the salary I am being paid and they can get someone to do my job for half the salary. They keep adding responsibilities for which I earn not a cent extra. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. If I complain they will find a way of reducing my salary. If I keep quiet they will continue to abuse me. There are some days that I don’t say three sentences to my spouse. I empathise with your reader and his concerns about providing for his family. I am doing what I do to put a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, clothes on our backs. I know that you are 100% correct in your response but unfortunately in the South Africa’s working world many are battling to keep heads above water.”

Thank you. It is clear I am out of touch with how abusive some work environments can be.

“You said career comes after spouse and family. With my job that is impossible. My family has to make sacrifices of time with me for my work. You have no idea how demanding some jobs can be and they take a man away from his family.”

Sir, I’d say, given the opportunity, the same thing to the leaders of nations. If you can’t do both, you probably are not qualified for your choice of work. I’d suggest a man who is qualified, will be able to hold onto both his family and his job.

One of the severest tests of emotional wellbeing rests in the capacity to remain appropriately intimate with those whom we love while also pursuing what it means to provide for our families.

This is of course as true for men as it is for women.

Monday: clarify priorities / self-care trumps all. Then come spouse, children, and extended family. Last place is career. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to give of your best to anyone. If you place career above family there might come a day when you have neither career nor family. If your career is so demanding you have no time for your family then you are probably not equipped for your job. If you are emotionally ready for any work, in any field (and I’d say this is applicable to the President of the USA as much as it is to any person), you will be able to prioritize your work and home life so your career does not ruin your family.

Tuesday: express heartfelt gratitude. Let people know that you know you are not “self-made.” Acknowledge those upon whose shoulders you stand.

Wednesday: exercise generosity. Give something away. Pay for a stranger’s meal. Tip excessively. Leave sincere compliments everywhere you go.

Thursday: serve others. Find ways to empower those around you both at work and at home.

Friday: determine to have a face-to-face Friday. Come home unexpectedly early after work. Switch off your phone, computer, and television for 24 hours. Play board games with the people in your home rather than play on-line games with strangers whom it is unlikely you will ever meet.

Saturday: increase commitment to intimacy. Spend several hours with your spouse or significant other talking about matters each of you might have avoided in the past (recent or distant).

Sunday: rest, read, and play.

“My husband rarely gives me any affection. I can count the times that we have kissed in our marriage. I spend so many nights alone while he spends time on the computer or at work. It is unlikely that he is involved with anyone else but he has fallen out of love with me. I know we are very different in our personalities, but he has been escaping from financial stresses and delving into the fantasy game world for way too long. I have gone on with my life and have started to pursue with passion my love for music. I’ve joined a band and have accepted a challenging career. I have learned to cope with a man who is not affectionate and have examined myself to see what I have contributed in all of this. A wise friend of mine said, that God fixes the less obvious problems first in our life. While we’re so focused on the major problem such as our husband, God wants to work on us.”

Sounds like you have a plan and are implementing it. Your commitment to your future will empower you whether your marriage works out or not.

“As a child I used to think that if my parents loved me, they would give up drinking. It seemed logical. I remember being a part of an unsuccessful intervention at 7 or 8 that was initiated by an aunt. The interventionist coached me the day before, and, at the intervention, I was asked to read my letter. It mostly consisted of a lot of tears and, ‘I just don’t want you to drink anymore.’ I remember being so scared by this ‘adult’ problem that affected so many people in my life. I couldn’t grasp that they were willing to choose alcohol over their own lives. Now that I’m an adult with my own addictions, those memories are enough that I never want to have kids. I would never willingly put a child through that torture, and I don’t trust myself enough to think that I could avoid the same scenario.” (Minimal edits)

I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous hands down over “interventions.” People do what they want to do or feel compelled to do what they don’t want to do – and, until “rock bottom” is reached, not even a letter from a son or daughter is likely to help. A line in the film “Prince of Tides” that goes something like, “Our parents drink and we spend our whole lives with the hangover.”