Women who lose themselves to a lover or a spouse, do so because they did not bring enough SELF into the relationship in the first place. They “soft-pedal,” downplay, or compromise who they are in order to be accepted and loved.

Conversely, a woman, with a healthy sense of self, understands, before she even meets a man, that no man, (marriage, or children) will make her happier than she already is. Such a woman will not “lose herself” in a relationship because she does not invest all of her hopes and dreams in any relationship. Healthy people do not expect relationships to offer what relationships simply do not, and cannot, offer.

If a woman sees a man, (marriage, or children) as a means to be delivered from some unhappy state, or as possessing the key to finding true happiness, she has already sold herself to the illusion that her happiness and fulfillment somehow rests within the hands and the power of others.

Bringing strength, self-awareness, self-assured-ness, personal goals, courage and determination (a developed “sense of self”) to a relationship (in other words, refusing to “soft-pedal”) may indeed scare off a man who has a poor sense of himself, but it will invigorate and attract the kind of man who honors equality, mutuality and respect.

“Forgive yourself for the mistake you made when you were so young then ‘turn the page.’ The first step in faith is the hardest.” Cheryl, (Durban)

“Why would she EVER want to waste her wonderful husband’s time and distress him by telling him about a jelly fish of a man who does not respect any woman he comes across?” Fiona, Durban

“Her past is not letting her keep him happy. She can’t make or keep anyone else happy. Should she tell her husband? Absolutely! Hard to believe it wasn’t discussed when getting serious about each other.” (Anonymous)

“Let the past stay in the past. She needs to forgive herself and try to get the lesson from the experience. There is no point in burdening this “wonderful person” she is married to, other than to have something to hook her insecurities onto.” (Anne, North Carolina, USA)

“This matter, in my opinion should have been dealt with in the courtship stage, but unfortunately it was not.” (Cliff, Estonia)

“She will never trust him, and he will never understand her present insecure behaviour, until she tells him about her past. It’s an invisible elephant in the room. It’s a risk she needs to take so her past is no longer allowed to define her present.” (Jenny, UK)