Archive for December, 2009

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December 15, 2009

Now I know what he’s really like…..

by Rod Smith

“My daughter (15) and I had to permanently swap cell phones. We let all our friends know. Next thing, I started getting really horrible text messages from a young man we know well and whose parents are close friends of mine. After the first message I replied reminding him we had changed phones but I don’t think he read it. Now I have had about 6 more messages that are sexually suggestive, drug related, and full of really bad language. I know the boy (16) will be very embarrassed to know I have been receiving these messages that are not intended for my daughter since he sends them to another name. There is obviously a mix up in his phone book but it is sad I now know what this sweet young man is really like. Do I confront him myself or tell his parents?” (Situation reconstructed from “live” issue)

Save all the messages. Meet with his parents. Enlighten them regarding the son’s activities. You owe it to your adult friends to be as forthright as possible, as soon as possible. Fallout you might experience from the family (people are often quite irrational when it comes to their children) will be worth it if your actions result in the parents lovingly addressing their son.

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

December 12, 2009

She’s suspicious amost every year at this time…..

by Rod Smith

“Once again my wife is accusing me of having affairs. This happens almost every year around this time of the year as I am more social with work activities than she prefers. I have NEVER had an affair and as far as I can predict I don’t think I ever will. I am not very happily married but I know an affair would not any good. Her late dad was repeatedly unfaithful and it caused lots of problems for the family. My wife really is seeing her father’s problems and projecting them onto me. I am not looking for advice. I just want to show you that some things are passed down as I have often read in your column.” (Edited)

Where is this stuff coming from? Many years back....

Many couples fight yesterday’s issues as if they began in the here and now. It is regretful that your wife has allowed suspicion to crowd her awareness to the point that it gets in the way of how you relate day to day.

My challenge to you, although you are seeking no advice, would be to find a way to become more fully who you are, in order that your marriage might be better positioned to deliver you from your current state of being unhappily married.

Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Voice | 1 Comment »

December 8, 2009

At the deepest recess of who you are…..

by Rod Smith

Desires for Autonomy and Intimacy live within the deepest recess of self, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide, connect, and have their enduring party

Within each person is a holy place called The Self. It is here, in the deepest recesses of who each of us is, that the human spirit, and soul, and intellect meld and form the powerhouse for who each of us is. And the subtle art of self-care (“subtle” because there is a delicate difference between being self-caring, selfish, and self-serving) is fundamental to good mental, emotional, and therefore also relational health.

Appropriate self-care is not selfishness or self-indulgence. It is not self-centered-ness. It is not self-serving. It is self-awareness. It is self-monitoring with the firm understanding that each person is responsible for the condition of his or her self. Each of us is responsible for how we relate to all others (to neither dominate or be dominated). Each of us is responsible, when it comes to ALL other adults, for maintaining relationships that exemplify mutuality, respect, and equality.

Part of self-care is the enduring understanding that each person has a voice to be respected, a role to be fulfilled, and a calling to be pursued. Every person (every Self) requires room to grow, space apart from others, while at the same time requiring intimacy and connection. The healthy Self is both connected and separate all at the same time, underscoring again the subtlety required in the art of self-care.

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

December 5, 2009

Help for the addicted…..

by Rod Smith

Open Hand can help you help yourself out of your addiction

Addiction is no picnic. The substance, or the activity, and the accompanying shame begin to rule. It (alcohol, “pot”, gambling, illicit sexual behavior, you name it) can take over a person’s life and make a beggar out of anyone. The shakes, cravings, preoccupations with the drugs, drinks, over-the-counter drugs, or gambling, then becomes central to a life hastily easing out of control. Relationships are threatened, jobs are on the line, and children’s nerves, simply as a product of exposure to addictions, are shattered.

And there is hope. There is hope for the man or woman who wants out from under the heavy rule of illegal substances or alcohol. There is hope for the adult who wants to live without drinking, that wants to be present and sober for his or her children while the children are growing. I’ve seen it many times: a man or a woman has been shocked into the realization that his or her lifestyle is no longer productive and drinking and drunkenness has all but consumed the person while also killing the marriage.

Let me have your story by Email that I may assist you in finding the hope you need and the help you might think you need in overcoming your addiction.

Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family | 4 Comments »

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December 3, 2009

Please add your ideas of success to mine…..

by Rod Smith

Use your power well

Success: What it is not, what it is:

1. It is not accumulating lots of money if it is at the expense of your family relationships. Many men and women have been seduced by money and status, only to lose their primary relationships. Success is generating enough income so you do not have to be constantly focused on money.

2. It is not being so focused on your relationships that your ability to earn money are compromised. Some men and women give up the possibilities of a great career for “love.” A successful person carves a life he/she can afford and a cadre of meaningful relationships.

3. It is not being powerful (influential) for the sake of being powerful. It is desiring the power to use for the good of all.

4. It is not owing a lot of things, going a lot of places, being well known. It is owning things, going places, being well connected in order to serve and empower others.

5. It is not simply being educated. There are many educated people who do not use their education for the good of those around them. It is being educated and serving others with your skills and knowledge.

6. Success includes being a giver rather than a taker, a contributor rather than a consumer. Included in that would be the way we treat the planet. (submitted by Charles Vorster)

Posted in Communication | 1 Comment »

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