Divorce is as war…….

by Rod Smith

“I have been married for many wonderful, happy years. For the past several months my husband has been behaving in a ‘detached’ way and every time I’ve tried to get to the bottom of it he has blamed business pressures and the fact that he lost a lot of money in a business venture this year. A few days ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn’t happy and that he’d fallen out of love with me. He refuses to go for marriage guidance as his mind is made up. How can someone just ‘fall out of love’? Surely in a marriage love is a choice? I just don’t understand it. He says no other women are involved. Surely his being ‘unhappy’ is all about him being unhappy with himself right now? I haven’t changed. I’m still the same person that he used to love and used to be happy with. Obviously I’m absolutely devastated right now. We don’t have children. I know that I have no control over how he feels and I think my best option is to try to take care of myself as best I can, although that’s easier said that done right now.”

Begin to take up your life....

Five tough points, perhaps the last things you want to hear:

1. That your husband claims to no longer love you does not render the past years of love and happiness any less real.
2. You will gain nothing by caving in, losing your way, because of his revelation. Continuing to mourn ought not inhibit your determination to begin building a new life.
3. “Thinking single”, while it is the last thing you want to do, must immediately become core to the manner in which you see life. While it is tantamount to relearning how to walk, it is essential. While you’d prefer things to be different it is time to take up your life, put back the pieces and maneuver yourself (with the help of close friends) through the quagmire of emotions and justified anger.
4. Given that your husband wants to proceed with a divorce, remember that divorce is more like war than anything else. Secure a good lawyer. Get everything you are due from the marriage. Allowing him to handle everything would be very unwise.
5. Trying to understand the unreasonableness of your husband’s position is an attempt to reason with the unreasonable. It is understandable but it is a wild goose-chase.

One Comment to “Divorce is as war…….”

  1. You are so right, love is a decision!

    When our partners are being their meanest, is the time we need to make the decision to love them!

    Your problems, fears and concerns are as much your husband’s problems as they are yours and vice versa. His feelings of inadequacy, failure and his rapidly sinking self image over the business are as much your problem as they are his. Perhaps if you support your partner with overwhelming love, attention and kindness in his time of trouble, no matter how difficult it is for you, it will strengthen the bond between you. You don’t have to offer him solutions just offer him your loving arms.

    You cannot change your husband but you can certainly change how you are behaving toward him during this difficult time. If you make the decision to become more loving and kind, despite the way he is behaving, he might feel reassured that he is not the failure he thinks he is and all will be okay as long as you stick together.

    At times divorce is necessary but if you don’t want it to end try to make changes in your own behaviour.

    Perhaps you can get encouragement from Retrouvaille which is an organization who teach couples how to communicate properly.

    It is not a retreat, marriage counselling, or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing. http://www.retrouvaille.org/

    Don’t give up until you have tried Retrouvaille. Only then do what Rod has advised.

    Being divorced and alone is awful! So is remarrying and having to deal with the problems surrounding your kids and your new partner’s kids even if they are adults and have left home? It can be a nightmare.

    I will be thinking of you.

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