My husband and his friend are inseparable…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband made friends with a guy and now they’re inseparable. I am going mad. I know a man has to have friends but this is ridiculous. He sees this person every other day. I want alone time with my husband and he will say his friend wants to join us. This feels like a threesome. He does have a wife who is not ‘my cup of tea.’ I cannot say anything because it makes a fight. Am I wrong? The other day I said let’s take a drive and sit somewhere. My husband made sure the place was nearby so his friend could meet us. Confused boundariesI was silent to not make trouble. My husband says I am jealous. How can I be jealous of a man? I think maybe he should take his clothes and go and live with him. He must have something I don’t have. When I see him I can scream but I keep my cool. The friend will say, ‘Oh my sister! So glad to see you.’ My blood boils. I know God says you have to let these things go and pray otherwise we don’t have blessings. Give me advice before it is too late.” (Letter shortened)

dsc_0642How much of your husband are you willing to share? How much of a threesome are you prepared to be? These questions must be answered. This issue is not about the friend, his wife, or even your husband. Everything, for you, hinges on you. It is not a matter of jealousy and your husband is employing a sneaky trick to suggest it is. This is about divided, or confused, loyalties. Challenge your husband to grow up, to decide on how his loyalties are expressed from day to day.

From where did you get the idea that you have to be silent and “let these things go and pray,” or you will stop your blessings? This is twisted theology. I’d suggest that your silence, passivity, and continuing to have your blood “boil” will only result in increased suffering for you and your husband. Take a stand. Clearly you understand men need friends, but it ceases to be friendship when others (family members) are not also enriched by the friendship. Make your stand with full knowledge that you might not be your husband’s first choice. At least then, you will know.

Write again, or if you’d like to talk, let me know. I will make time for you.
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com

2 Comments to “My husband and his friend are inseparable…..”

  1. Your husbands male friend could just as easily be a book, a video game, a hobby, a sport like golf. This male friend is filling some sort of need, it could be a need to simply have a male friend that your husband feels he can relate better to than he does you. It could be that the male friend provides him a shield from intimacy with you. I think the key is to take a look inward first and see what you are bringing to the relationship, are you approachable, or are you often bringing up subjects that your husband is not interested in or makes him have negative feelings. One of the great attractions to a freind is their unconditional friendship. Is your relationship with your husband unconditional, does he believe it is.It may not be about you at all, you may be perfectly wonderful, yet your husband needs the companionship of a man in his life right now. I suggest that you approach this from a pure relationship point of view and not bring the friend into the equation.

  2. Hello ToBeMe:

    Thanks for your response. I still follow your blog with regularity and am pleased to see it when you yet visit mine.

    I have tried to read your excellent response to the above reader without your response influencing my reply.

    We will see how that goes. From my reading of your work, you tend to be more gentle than I tend to be. It is something I am trying to learn.

    Rod Smith

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