July 13, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My stepdaughter (22) is getting married and I have been asked NOT to walk her down the aisle as I am not her biological father. I have been with this young woman since she was 7 and treated her as my own. We have been very close. Now a man, her biological father, whom she hardly knows, and has seen her only a few times a year, wants to step in and walk her down the aisle at a wedding I am paying for! This is absurd. What should I do?” (Letter shortened)
First: you’ve not mentioned what your daughter wants.
Second: I’d suggest the parent who has walked alongside the bride-to-be through childhood, helped her through the challenges of early adolescents, witnessed her joys and the drama that sometimes accompany the teen years, is the one who ought to walk her down the aisle.
Third: although it is not said, my prediction is that your daughter doesn’t want to hurt her biological father’s feelings. I’d suggest you meet face-to-face with your daughter’s biological father and discuss what would be most appropriate. Perhaps you could both do it!
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July 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
Weeks ago I began a series of columns entitled “A is for Autonomy.” Here is more in my series of “ABCs for Growing Adults”:
B is for Boundary: an invisible line that separates you, making you distinct from others. When blurred, it will be hard for you to tell the difference between your thoughts and feelings, and the thoughts and feelings of others. Good boundaries are part of your emotional life’s healthy immune system. They keep the undesirable out and allow the desirable in. Boundaries change with different people. You will have very different set of boundaries with a lover, best friend, or parent, than you will with casual acquaintances. Your boundaries are always your responsibility except in cases of unusual illness or frailty.
C is for Challenge: an impetus for change or growth. You might feel a stirring from within, read something, overhear a conversation, glimpse what a friend has achieved, and, as a result, desire to make changes in your life. A challenge can be private or shared. It might take minutes to complete, like learning a new skill on your computer, or it could take years of constant effort. Most people enjoy a realistic challenge: it can bring greater health and enthusiasm and restore vision to do greater things.
Posted in Communication, Voice |
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July 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
…. if I am a little behind with posts this next few weeks, please be patient. My family and I are taking an adventurous road trip. We are going to drive from our mid west home to Los Angeles, fly to Hawaii (where I am speaking for a week), fly back to LA, go on up to San Francisco and drive home the “top” way! We will be gone for about 5 weeks, camping all the way but for our time in Kona.
I will continue to write and submit the column daily to the newspapers but might not be able to upload to the web on a daily basis….. who knows?
Thanks for your continued readership.
Rod
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Please remember that it is not only women who suffer abuse, often they perpetrate it themselves and also direct it at other women. I wish you would address that wives can also abuse husbands. I have two brothers who are in very problematic marriages and to see their spirits diminished to nothing is heart-breaking. Their wives manipulate them and their children, shower them with guilt, forbid them to see their families, and feign constant illness, while my brothers slave away at their jobs and have to take care of the entire home as well.”
Thanks for the reminder. Of course you are correct! I have counseled with many woman and only a handful of men who have been victims of the abuses you mention – and thus, I believe, my focus on women.
It remains true for men and women that, as difficult as it is, all victims have to reach a point of taking a stand, of finding a smidgen of internal strength to begin the process of ending the vicious cycle.
I certainly do not want to blame your brothers or any victim for being victimized, but a perpetrator is most unlikely to reach any point of insight or change while the abusive behavior is rewarded.
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July 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
“There’s a lonely man where I work. I know he’s unhappily married. I can see it in his eyes. You are going to say I should stay away from him because I have read you for years. What if I just want to have fun? The best sex I have ever had has been with married men. What’s to stop me? I know what I want and I know how to get it.” (Paraphrased)
Deciding the man is lonely from what you see in his eyes is absurd. I’d suggest you are reading your own loneliness in his eyes. The “best sex” to which you refer has clearly been short-lived and probably been of great cost to the men and their families.
Grow up. Leave married men alone. You might even find yourself in your own long-term, committed, authentic relationship if you decide to let alone men who already are!
Posted in Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Victims |
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July 3, 2008
by Rod Smith
It’s no secret that many men avoid deeper intimacy with other men. I suggest it would be helpful for men to form intentional support “MWE groups” or “Men Without Egos” groups. Here are some guidelines to establish such a group. While “WWW” for “Women Without Walls” is not original, I did come up (note the humor here) with MWE:
1. Meet for a decided period of time, say monthly for 10 months, and for two hours. Begin by phoning and inviting 9 or 10 men you already somewhat know. This act makes you the facilitator.
2. Try to create a group that is diverse with age, race, and belief. I’d suggest every group have at least two members who are from different generations in the same family.
3. You may not discuss your career, achievements, sport, or politics.
4. Read a book together and talk about it for at least 15 minutes of each meeting. I’d suggest you begin with David Scharch’s Passionate Marriage which will challenge every aspect of every relationship you have.
5. Laugh a lot, cry sometimes, listen more than you talk, and call each other between meetings, and never discuss someone not present (not even your wife!).
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July 2, 2008
by Rod Smith
I’m going to suggest and challenge readers to form more intentional small groups. Here are some guidelines to establish such a group. For women, I’d suggest the group be called “WWW” for “Women Without Walls.” This is not original, it’s a name used by ten women I know, who have been meeting for years:
1. Meet for a decided period of time – say monthly for 10 months and for two hours each time. Make it somewhat expected to attend if a person agrees to join. Begin by picking up the phone and inviting 9 or 10 women you already somewhat know. (This act makes you the facilitator!)
2. Try to create a group that is diverse with age, race, and belief. I’d suggest every group have at least two members who are from different generations in the same family.
3. Read a book together and talk about it for at least 15 minutes of the meeting. I’d suggest you begin with any of Harriet Lerner’s or Joan Anderson’s books (A Year By The Sea, An Unfinished Marriage, A Walk on the Beach).
4. Laugh a lot, eat out sometimes, call each other between meetings and never discuss someone not present (not even your husband!).
Tomorrow: A challenge to men to form “MWE” groups. (Anyone guess what that stands for?)
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been a husband for 18 years. I have been suffering from diagnosed clinical depression for two years. This has taken a huge toll on my family, putting me close to suicide several times. In an effort to find something to make me happy, I had a two-month affair. In a moment of sanity, I broke it off. Last week the ‘mistress’ sent my wife an email. Luckily, I came clean to my wife and she says she will not leave me. I know I destroyed the best person in my life. I also know that I am the one that did wrong and broke my vows. The ‘mistress’’ knew I was married, knew I had problems, and played on those problems to actually prolong the relationship. Then in the end, she crushed my wife. Why? Not to help my wife! I may be the most wrong person here, but the mistress knew what she was doing. She told my wife out of some twisted form of revenge.”
Assigning the greater blame on your former mistress is pointless. Now that your wife knows, you have a greater chance of building something beautiful from your domestic ruins. Depression’s no excuse for infidelity and infidelity will never result in enduring happiness.
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