Archive for July 30th, 2008

July 30, 2008

My affair threatens suicide when I try to leave…

by Rod Smith

“I have been in a 5-year very toxic relationship with a married man. Every time I have tried to end it he goes to the extreme to make sure I don’t. He has told friends and customers about his affair with me and that he is in love with me. I have even considered moving out of town to get away from him. He is very controlling and has even threatened to kill himself if I leave him. Please help.”

Every threat of suicide must be taken very seriously. As the “other woman,” even if you were a mental health professional specializing in suicide prevention, you would be unqualified to sustain his life. Get out of the man’s way so he can get the help he needs!

He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t threaten, control, or manipulate.

I trust you see you are “killing yourself” by staying. I’d suggest you move, that you do cut all ties, and that you do find your freedom at all cost. You cannot be a lifeline for any man, let alone one who demonstrates no respect for his family or for you.

Suicide, by very definition, is self-inflicted, and therefore his killing himself, which would indeed be very sad, would not be your responsibility, or your fault.

July 30, 2008

Indications he/she might not be the best person to marry…

by Rod Smith

Letters consistently pour in from men and women in unhealthy relationships. I think often of how much pain could be avoided if people were simply willing to see the warning signs before marriage, before children, before hearts harden, and before bitterness sets in. Here are some, of course not all, of the early warning signs that a relationship will sour short of a miracle. Although cumbersome, I have used “he/she” on each occasion for neither gender appears to be guiltless when it comes to distorting intimate relationships:

He/she does not respect his/her parents.
He/she lies about “little” things.
He/she is in debt at a young age.
He/she sees people as expendable (uses, then “dumps” people).
He/she gets angry very quickly with waiters or servers of any kind.
He/she feels entitled to respect he/she has not earned.
He/she is financially, morally, and sexually unfaithful, and appears unconcerned about the importance of personal integrity in his/her life.
He/she opens your mail, snoops in your business, and thinks you should have no secrets between you.
He/she speaks for you and tells you how you “should” feel, think and speak.
He/she tells you that you are stupid and that he/she knows you better than you know yourself.
He/she believes most other people are idiots and often says so.