My husband told me last night that he did not love me anymore… |

My husband told me last night that he did not love me anymore…

by Rod Smith

“My husband told me last night that he is not in love with me anymore. I am completely shattered. I knew we had problems and we had decided to seek therapy but the last thing I expected was the love bomb. He thinks it cannot be fixed. I had to convince him to try therapy. He is willing to try but I can see that he does not have much hope in it. I am so scared it is too late and that by going to therapy I am putting false hope into our marriage. I do not know what to do and feel like my whole world just collapsed on me.” (Edited to 200 words)

USA

You are placing a lot of faith in the power of therapy! Couple’s therapy is most effective when both people are motivated. Before you rush off to a therapist, appreciate that this a very new development in your marriage. Take some time to let the news sink in before you act. While it is true that you are feeling devastated, it is your husband who has to soul search about what he wants.

Trying to impress your husband with your love for him will only serve to distort who you really are and probably serve to push him further away.

Posted on May 1, 2007 at 6:43 pm in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

92 Responses to “My husband told me last night that he did not love me anymore…”

tobeme
May 4, 2007 at 2:46 pm

This is a rough spot to be in. Your emotions will drive you crazy and have you do crazy things to try to save your marriage. This is on your husband as Rod said. Your husband has made a decision and only he change that decision. Rod is right, you must be true to you, overt actions of saving the marriage, for they may serve to push your husband further away. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go, for only then may they come back to you. The tighter your grip, the more the he will want to get away.

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- TrueSelf
  August 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm
  
  I haven’t been told that I wasn’t loved anymore, in fact i believe actions speak louder than words..iI have been so neglected over the last six months and it seemed to get worse, I denied myself and thought that I needed to change and try harder…..and harder…until i lost myself completely between being a mother and a wife, until finally after he went to the bar and my kids were in bed i sat on the couch and cried for two hours, this was the man that I was suppose to spend my life with, my partner, we have been through so much for so long, 10 years to be exact and I wondered where did I lose myself? At what point? Had I allowed this man to dictate how i should feel and gave him the power to tell me that i needed to change to be loved when he met me the way I was? To make me feel so sad all the time?
  It isn’t easy, but the best advice is this, be yourself and take care of you, do the things that makes you happy and not allow the other persons feelings dictate you and what you feel.
  If he says he doesn’t love you anymore, understand that you shouldn’t be held for that responsibility, he should be responsible for his own feelings as well as vise versa. You can’t change anyone, the only thing you can change is you for you.
  We cannot control another person’s feelings towards us or how they react to us, but we can control how we react to situations and that’s the first step to getting better, is understanding this.
  
  Do something for yourself to improve who you are, whether it is waking up at 5 in the morning for a walk, challenge yourself and start planning ( not around him) but around you and what you consider is healthy goals,set boundaries for yourself and not allow others to persuade you until you cannot remember who you were.
  
  I am going through the same thing, a little deeper, i even turned my back on my own church for this man to go to his families church and different faith, but, i took control back over the decisions that I wanted to make and how i react around him and told him exactly the same thing i said here, if he can’t respect me or love me for who I am or be in love with me, that’s his feelings and he needs to be responsible for it, but I won’t stand by and allow that decision to hurt me, just means i have to adjust .
  
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metoo
June 18, 2007 at 2:19 am

I am going through the same thing right now – my wife told me she did not love anymore a couple of months ago and she wanted to end our marriage. Hearing this (and believing that she really meant it) has completely shattered the few things that I thought were 100% concrete certainties about my life and future.

However, it is not the end – we have turned this situation into an opportunity to take action and make ourselves happy and fulfilled, and (right now) we are trying to find this together. What has helped us most is a book I picked up from Borders – “I love you but I am not in love with you – Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship”. This book has saved us from splitting, as it shows how “normal” it is to go through this stage in a relationship and what to do to put things back together. You would both benefit from reading this book (in fact I think all couples would, whether they are in trouble or not!)

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rose
July 6, 2007 at 9:47 pm

I seriously need help. My husband left but will not divorce me. I am torn to pieces every day in the not knowing why. I ask but I get no answer in return. In the mean time he is out in the dating world with a girlfriend he won’t leave. I stopped begging him to come back and am trying to go on without him. I am getting better but at times I still break down in such pain. How much longer will it be before i am finally free of this pain?

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- Marie
  January 6, 2010 at 3:01 am
  
  Rose, I felt that same torment until I pushed and got my divorce. Thats when it ceased to tear me up.
  My now ex husband also refused divorce it took 3yrs of trying & his mind games before I realised, he would never do it.
  In the end I had him served with the papers and as soon as I had the divorce in my hand WAS THE DAY I REGAINED MY LIFE. I felt such relief that he didn’t hold me hanging on the end of his bit of string, so empowering!!.
  I personally believe they do it either because they dont want to risk losing half of material goods/ they want to remain in control and have “back up” (was both in my case).
  They use your love for them as a weapon don’t let him disrespect you, who would want to be with someone that treats you like dirt on their shoe..
  A leopard doesnt change it spots..
  
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annetter
November 29, 2007 at 2:14 am

I was told last night by my husband that he no longer loved me. Talk about sick to my stomach….i don’t smoke but had three squares. I told myself I was going to pack up and leave. But I just don’t know what to do…we have two children..one 2 years old and the other 10 months…i am broke really broke up and torn to pieces….but what can you really do…but be one with it and try to smile….it hurts like all hell, it took me a few minutes to breath but I am alive and breathing just fine, which to me is a step toward the right direction. I have a lot of faith in God and I must be strong for my little ones. But it hurts, it really hurts…….

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suzy
March 31, 2008 at 1:32 am

my boyfriend of two years told me the past two times we had gotten back together, this last time the other day hes not in love with me but loves me and feels comfortable with me and doesnt wanna meet new people or be alone and loves my company. my bday came around mar 20th and he had just gotten 300 dollars and didnt buy me anything, for the second year in a row.im so in love with him and it hurts so bad so i moved out. we just had a baby last year and he passed away from sids at 4 months:( you can go to phoenix-hunter@memory-of.com and see his beautiful site. god i miss him. anyhow he says phoenix was our glue and since hes no longer here its all hurt.. i want to make it work and marry him but hes not in love anymore and doesnt make effort with me. i feel i deserve that i miss him and i miss baby phoenix so much i feel i m going crazy. u can write me at piscesgrlll420@aol.com

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carol
April 27, 2008 at 1:10 am

My husband is the best person I have ever known. But slowly over the course of a year and a half, he’s come to the realization that he is not in love with me anymore. He is trying to “do the right thing” and hasn’t left the home but its just like we are friends now…no more lovers. I am so lonely and I feel horrible every time I think about it. I know I could have been better in our marriage. I admitted to my weaknesses and faults and genuinely saw things for the first time in a new light that made me want to change. But its been 8 months and maybe my efforts are too late. We met in high school. We grew up together and were each other’s best friends. But now in his eyes, I’m like an enemy. He needs to “find himself” and he feels like he can’t do that with me. WOW….never thought in a million years I’d be in this situation. But I still love him and still hope and still pray

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- Lana
  November 10, 2010 at 5:32 pm
  
  Hi Carol,
  I’m in the exact same situation. I have been with my husband since the 6th grade he was my first boyfriend and only boyfriend. We’ve been married going on 12years and have 4 children together. He told me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know when he stopped loving me but that he’s been with me this entire time because I am a good person, good mother,good wife and I deserve to have all the things I want and need. He thought he could satisfy me by working hard and provided for me financially but realises now that it’s not fair for me to not be loved like I deserve. He said that I’m still young and if he left now that it would be easier for me to find someone else to give me everything I deserve. It broke my heart and I cried at night and felt so horrible but new I had to be strong for my kids. It’s hard to basically push my feelings aside and be strong. I find myself feeling so empty and crying randomely when no one is around. He left for about a week and came back when i stopped calling him and answering his phone calls. I asked him to stop playing games and to get all his things and leave. I took down pictures of us and just wanted nothing to do with him in our home. He then asked me not to do that and kept one of the pictures I had taken down. He came back asking for another chance and said he cares for me and realises that he doesn’t want things to end and that maybe counseling or something would help us. I asked him not to do this to me again because this is the second time in the last 4 years he’s done this and then came back. I told him he just can’t keep coming back when I’m ready to let go. He said he understood and that he was back because he wanted to be here with me. We tried giving each other some space for a bit but found ourselves going back to the old routine of not having any space. Now he’s extremely distant from me he barely talks to me unless it’s sexual. I just don’t feel he is where he wants to be. I don’t feel any love or emotion from him and it hurts. I find myself trying to do things to not make him angry or upset and I’m losing myself over it. I think about everyone but myself most of the time. I’m so scared that he doesn’t love me and that he’s just going to up and I feel helpless. I’m constantly paranoid that he’s seeing someone else and if so it wouldn’t be the first time. He’s done this in the past and then has come back. I think that my paranoia is making things worse for us. I still have hope but i just don’t know how to make things better.
  
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Shannon
April 27, 2008 at 8:29 pm

Carol, I could have written what you wrote myself. My husband told me 2 weeks ago that he was unhappy & was not in love with me anymore. We’ve known each other for years – in middle school & high school and then ran into each other 10 yrs later, started dating & married. We’ve been married for 7-1/2 years and have 4 kids. When he told me, I made him leave. I can’t stare at him everyday and know this. I miss him and want him back. He thinks he’s done with the relationship and has been for a while. He didn’t know how to tell me. I just want a chance to try and fix things. It would have been nice to be let in on everything instead of hearing how bad it was just before he left. I feel like I wasn’t given a chance to work on anything. I know I have my flaws but why can’t I be given the chance to make things right. I asked him to go to counseling with me & he’s going to let me know on Tues. I think the answer will be no. I laid it out to him that I should at least be given the chance to fight for my marriage and possibly fix what went wrong, since I wasn’t given the chance to do that. Plus, there are 4 kids involved who I thought deserved 2 full time parents. I love my husband & thought we’d be together forever. Once the kids got older and we had some more $ I thought we could finally have some fun. It’s tough right now – we’re broke and the kids are very demanding. I just love him and want to make things right. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

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Melanie
May 2, 2008 at 1:42 pm

I started this posted a year ago, almost day for day. After my husband told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, I decided to give us a little space and went to visit my family 3000 miles away in California. A week later, I was coming back to my husband who had flowers for me and a whole new attitude. He said he could feel the love come back. I changed a lot of my bad habits and even though we still had things to work on, I thought we were doing pretty well. We had a lot of wonderful plans for the futur and we were talking a lot about having our first child within the next year. 2 weeks ago, he was coming back home for the weekend and I was really happy to see him, so I went for a hug, but it felt wrong, like I wasn’t getting the love back, so I confronted him. For the past year I have asked him time and time again if he still loved me because I was afraid of going through the ordreal again and he always reassured me, so when I confronted him that night, I was thinking he was going to tell me that I was just being silly. Then with his next sentence, I felt like he just ripped my heart appart. He said it never really came back for him. This whole year, he’s been prettending because he didn’t want our marriage to end and he was trying to see if it could coome back. Again, my whole world is crashing. A month ago we’re talking babies and now, I’m back with my family in California going through trial seperation. We’ve been appart for only a week but he says nothing has chaged yet. I know it’s too early but I can’t help feeling like it probably won’t come back for him. I’m not sure how to handle this. Should we not talk to each other for a little while? for now, we speak everyday but so far it’s not helping. Anyone who’s been through this before?

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- Amber
  January 15, 2010 at 6:52 pm
  
  Holy cow ! I am currently going through the exact situation.
  We have been married nearly 12 years we have three amazing boys and what I thought was a great friendship and marriage. Sure we had fights and moments that our passion was a little less but we always seemed to be on the same page.
  I always made a point of being totally honest with my husband and telling him that i wished for the same. I told him if there ever came a day that he was no longer happy or in love with me I would want to know.
  I always loved him so much that his happiness was more important than forcing him to stay with me,which of course i would not want.
  
  Little did I know January 7 2009 I call him at work and I could tell immediately something was wrong he drops the BOMB he’s not happy and no longer feels the same for me and wants to separate.
  As much as it crushed me I held true to my word. This is the man I love and have loved for almost 1/2 of my life that had not changed. I gathered every ounce of strength I had and I supported him. I helped pack him I sat with him and told our kids,I even helped him to choose the apartment he would move to.
  I as you can imagine I was a mess but I tried not to show it I didn’t want him to feel guilty for being honest.
  Dave was gone a week during which we spent very few hours apart. We had both had each other for support for so long that we turned to each other when something hurt us.
  One really bad night for us both Dave called and asked if he could come home. I told him simply that I never wanted him to leave and I loved him.
  We talked a lot over the following weeks and tried to figure out the root of the problem and decided it was financial. We declared bankruptcy and started over with what I thought was a brand new life.
  
  Today January 18th 2010 almost exactly a year to the day he approaches me with the same sadness and once again my heart shatters.
  I am so terrified because no matter what happens from this moment on I know my life with my husband is over.
  Even if he figures once again that it’s not me but an outside source causing his pain and unhappiness. I know in my heart that I could never put my faith in him again.
  
  I think I have never felt so completely SAD in my whole life there is almost no other emotion in my heart right now but sadness.
  I am sorry for you and your husband.I pray that you find the strength you will need to get through this. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and someone else out there understands the pain you are in.
  
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  - Theresa
    January 15, 2010 at 10:48 pm
    
    Your letter truly touched my heart as my husband just told me three days ago he was not sure if he loved me anymore. When I asked if he was attracted to me he said he didn’t think so and maybe just loves me because I have always loved him so deeply. We have had the most romantic beautiful love that ever was and have been together for 8yrs we were always so different from other couples and we were envied. I am dead inside and have never felt such hurt and pain….how do you cope with that silence inside, that hurt, that emptiness, that never again will I love anyone like I do him feeling??? If you have any advice on how to cope please let me know. I’m dying…but pretending to be strong on the outside. I’m sorry you went through this twice. Unfathomable. Help if you have any advice I’m only 4dys in to this entire thing. Not sure what is going to happen.
  - Amiari
    July 17, 2010 at 2:04 pm
    
    Hi everyone, well I have been thru this rocky road with my husband many times. He would tell me that he didn’t love me then after he would see me cry he changed his mind. Well last night he again told me that he didn’t love me, but this time I am not letting him change his mind. His parents are in from out of town, so I made him tell his parents what he really felt for me. This time he cannot take it back and hurt me all over again. Enough is enough!!! These men want to do what they please with their wives (or vice versa) because they know they have the power to do it. I know he does not want to leave because he will loose alot of his comfort of having a nice home and cars. He is also afraid of life getting him back. Well I am putting myself first and after reading how much pain a person goes thru when their spouse drops the love Bomb on them makes me realize that they are never going to change. No matter how many times they tell us that we are not loved, they will keep on doing it as long as we forgive them. The real problem here is that we are not in love with ourselves anymore! We need to stop thinking about the love we feel for them and stop fearing that we are going to loose them and start falling in love with ourselves. Let us not loose ourselves to these spouses that do not know what love really is.
Lonelyheart
May 7, 2008 at 1:26 am

My wife told me a week ago that she never loved and not in love with me, ever, but we are married for 6 years and a 4 year-old son. I felt the first 2 years were fine but after our son is born, her sex drive was gone. We still had sex twice a month. She said it to our therapist and then to me in front of the therapist. She also said sex emotional hurts and told the therapist that we can stay together forever if not sex is involved. Our therapist told me to stay together for now and try to work things out. I am a good provider for the family and I think that’s the reason she said we can stay married as long as no sex. I told my wife many times when after we are married, I felt like I have been chasing after her like when we were dating. It a never ending chase. I have done all I can to win her over in the past 6 years and I am tried. I can’t imagine staying in a loveless and sexless marriage forever.

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Lonelyheart
May 7, 2008 at 4:41 am

..more… I don’t know whether it is true that she no longer loves me. As I said, the first 2 years were great…sex twice a week without questions. She recently had an emotional affair but ended in a short time. I think she felt the “chemistry” of in love and since we’ve been married for so long, she doesn’t feel that way anymore. Hence, she said she does not love me. We still hold hands, sleep in the same bed and hold each other. I know she respect what I provide to the family. We are both deciding what the next step is. I am away on a business trip for 12 days. The trip is helping me to stay away and think and gives her space also. I am trying to caller her as few times as possible. She knows I still love her very much. I am seeing a therapist again when I return home. Any suggestions? I think she wants to try for a period of 6 – 12 months and I want to at least to give it a try. However, how can you make someone love you or stay in love with the love chemical 24×7? Another point is she just turned 40 (she looks 30) and I think she thinks she old and needs for attention. She thinks if she doesn’t get out of the marriage now, she will be too old to attract anyone else. Any inputs?

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Devastated
May 19, 2008 at 8:36 pm

My husband of 12 years, 3 weeks ago told me he didn’t love me anymore. He won’t talk to me. I try communicate face to face and email. I have asked him if he’s going to divorce me and he doesn’t know. His mother died a month ago. I think he’s going through depression. The worst part is that we still live in the same house and we own our business together. I see him at work everyday. I am so lonely for him. I love him so much and he will not give me a second chance. I am going to therapy tomorrow. Hopefully I will get some kind of advice. For now on I will not try to reach out him. It’s no use.!

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Sherry
June 25, 2008 at 8:53 pm

Reading these stories, each one reaches deep. My husband last week came to me to tell me that he wanted to move out. He was not in love with me anymore. HE loved me as the mother of his three children(5, 2 and 3mths old) HE says that I have changed. No kidding. I take care of everything. Have let him go from job to job, while he is finding himself. This whole time just waiting for us to find time together. For four days he let me beat myself up about it. What can I do to make this better, You need to give me a chance to show you differently how much I need you and love you. By Weds, after I talked to a lawyer he says he does not know now if he wants a divorce., Lets wait and see how things work out. HE kissed me like he used to. Lets take things slow. See I am still wearing my ring I have not let go. He let me feel hope that with work we could see past it. BUT by Friday… He admited : I am in love with someone else. Not I cheated I made a mistake. BUT I am in love with someone else. What do I do when he realizes he made a mistake. UGH

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- Heather
  November 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm
  
  This stories all hit home with me! My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 12. 2 weeks ago he told me he wasn’t in love with me but there is no one else, which I do not believe. Our relationship has been rocky since the beginning but we have managed to work through his cheating and lies. He has said he will go to couseling if I want to, the only problem I have with this is I asked him to do go to couseling off and on for many years and he always said no, going to therapy will make him look like a bad person. He is not violent but yells constantly, he is very verbally abusive but not physically.We have 2 children 11 and 6 and he also has custody of his son who lives with us ( now with me) who was conceived through one of his bouts of infidelity. He is not staying at our house, but refused to tell our children about our separation. I think they need to know. He also leaves my stepson with me (not his biological mother) instead of taking him with him. I told him I would keep my stepson while my husband works at night but it has been 2 weeks and he is still with me. If there is an emergency I have not legal authority of him at all and don’t think I could consent to medical treatment etc.
  
  My husband has told me he will not file for divorce I will have to do it. Which is fine with me since I have no faith in counseling. Please offer any advice!!!!
  
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Denise
July 20, 2008 at 1:34 pm

My husband left about 3 weeks ago, after I confronted him about another woman. the only thing he did was move out. He said that he made a mistake by getting married 4 years ago. we have been together 6 years. he said he needs some time. He has moved into an appt. signed a 6 months lease.

Should I wait?

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marypoppins
July 21, 2008 at 1:25 pm

found out by accident the other day that my husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore. he has no desire to be with me physically. no hugs, no kisses, no cuddles, turns his back on me when we go to bed at night. i tried cuddling but he wasnt interested. the hugs i give weren’t returned so i just gave up. when do you realise it’s over? he goes on as if nothing’s happened…as if everything’s just normal. how do i confront him if he doesn’t want to speak up so i at least know where i stand?

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Rebecca
July 22, 2008 at 9:57 am

To all people that stated their stories need to push quick to acceptance because just as much as time heals, it stolls pain & create unnecessary hope. if its love, it doesn’t need to hurt!

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sherry
August 5, 2008 at 7:07 am

My husband went for a night out and phoned me to tell me he was leaving me. Apparentl he wants a better life. we have two children and i’m tring to be smiley it’s ok to them but i feel like my life is over. all our plans for the future have been ripped away from me and i have to start over at 36 with 2 kids having not worked for 11 years. I am devestated it was shock to me i never saw coming, i love him with all my heart and thought we were forever. How can two people think so differently about the same relationship.

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nikki
August 5, 2008 at 3:59 pm

my husband won’t clarify if he is still in love or just loves me a lot. I keep asking him questions about our marriage and his feelings for me but he won’t give me any straight forward answers. He just wants to know why i’m asking them. Is this a sign that he really doesn’t love me or is loosing intrest, or does he really just hate answering questions. If he hates answering questions, would’nt he put that part of himself to the side and answer my questions and inquires about our relationship if he was really worried about where the questions were arriving from. I dont know.. maybe i’m overreacting or just insecure about myself… i mean ive gained weight over the years i’ve had 4 kids though. Or maybe it’s the no affection thing thats getting to me. He’s never been a big mushy person.. like me. But occasionally we’ll kiss.. but now it’s like never.. yesterday i asked for a hug or some affection and he poked me in the arm and said there ya go.. maybe i’m just seeing to much into this, he does work and go to school and then has to be a spouse and father. But i work and take care of the kids mostly and don’t even mention cooking and cleaning. I just miss the lovey dovey aspect of our relationship that disappeared.

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Kim
August 27, 2008 at 12:36 pm

My husband left for work last wednesday morning and never returned…I found him at his parents house and after talking with him he told me he hasn’t loved me for the last 3 years..everything he told me, everything we based our marriage on was a lie. Apparently he was just trying to do the right thing and now realizes he can’t. We have two little boys ages 1 and 3 and it breaks my heart to know they will grow up without him as a regular part of their lives. I still have hope for us as I still love him but I just don’t know what will happen. People keep telling me he is just going through something and will realize what he had after a while but I am not so sure. For now we will be friends and I will try to keep my head up and stay strong for my boys and I guess we will have to see what the future holds….just take it one day at a time.

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Denny
September 13, 2008 at 7:18 am

I just happen to be surfing in the backyard watching the smoker (ribs, chicken, & turkey legs) and I came upon this post. I was searching for an answer on what to do with my 16 year old son not coming home last night after I texted him to be home by curfew but that is another story.

I am on a trial 2 week separation, we have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. My wife works days and I work nights at the same building for the same company. We are highschool sweethearts and I love her with all my heart. Here is how we got to this trial:

My coworkers were telling me she goes to lunch with her boss everyday and being very touchie feelie if you know what I mean. I asked her after a couple of months if she would stop so the guys would stop ribbing me as it was getting on my nerves and she said NO. Talk about a shock, I never saw it coming.

Well that was 27 years ago and there is much more to the story but to this day I have no idea why or when she started hating me. I saw no signs and was totally blind sided. The good news is that after our divorce I met a woman who I married and had 2 children with and we are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this November.

What are the chances of that happening to me? Only with Gods intervention could a new family be created, but I still to this day can not get my mind wrapped around the whole ordeal. My point is there is always more to come and good can come from a bad situation. Keep a moral perspective and a level head. For those with kids, it is not about you and your spouse anymore. It is about the kids!

I love my family’s…Denny

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Gals
October 2, 2008 at 1:38 am

Don’t get so wrapped up in your husbands, boyfriends, men in your life and do not believe in submission. This only ends bad. Find your own friends/life and don’t lose yourselves in relationships. Men love themselves, it’s so obviuos and most don’t deserve the women in their lives. Move on forget about the worthless idiot!

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- Anonymous
  January 18, 2010 at 3:36 pm
  
  Could not have said it better!
  
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  - ANONYMOUS
    August 8, 2010 at 10:32 am
    
    AMEN!
familyof3
October 10, 2008 at 11:18 am

At this point I don’t know how to respond my husband. We have been married 12 1/2 years and together for 16 years. We have been separated for only 1 1/2 weeks now, and it is still as extremely hard today as it was the first day. I found out that he was seeing someone and to make a combination of his alcoholism mad it even worse. I have stood by my husband through everything, I have taken him back when he has cheated on me previously and left me for a 17 year old little girl. Through our 12 years of marriage he has cheated on me several times and not once have I, I am not saying I am an angel or that I’m “perfect” but I do know that I would not hurt someone that I love so dearly. He tells me that I am angry all the time and that I push him away sexually, and you know what I probably do, I am not making any excuses for myself, but how could I want him sexually when he has put me so far down on his priorities and his friends and alcohol are #1?? We have a 9 year old daughter who idolizes her daddy but without coaxing or talking to him about her he doesnt take an initiative to talk to her or see her. He says he is not “in love” with me anymore but does love and care for me. He said he “thinks” he loves the woman he is seeing and cheated with. I an ANGRY!!! I told him that our daughter will NEVER be around her! HELP I am really struggling to keep my head on straight and to quit wanting him to come hom. I know I deserve better treatment and someone who will love and respect me, but I do love my husband tremendously!!!

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- gena
  February 17, 2010 at 12:45 am
  
  I can relate so much to each and every one of these posts..My heart is breaking for all of you as much as my heart is breaking for myself and my daughter..I have been with my husband for 17 years..He is a narissistic personality..I did everything i could and then some to make this man happy without realizing that no matter what i did it would never be good enough..I didn’t recognize myself..i dealt with 3 DUI’s..coming and going as he pleased. Broken promises, lies, secrets, holding back money. Our house is in foreclosure or should i say my house considering everything is in my name..23 credit cards are in collections..MY credit is screwed..His truck that he adored was in my name yet he wanted me to be a housewife so eventually the truck was repoed which means my credit is ruined but he tells me that he should of kept the truck and got rid of me..Everything became my fault..I was the reason he drank, I was the reason he got the DUI’s I’m the reason he don’t make any money..I’m the reason he yells and verbally abuses me and breaks things in the house. He does not take accountability for anything..EVerday i spent trying my hardest to make everything right..God forbid if he was mad..I walked on eggshells constantly to make sure he didn’t get mad. He told me 4 times in the last 2 years that he wanted out..He left for 1month in Aug 2009 and then came back and of course i let him come back because i had to make everything right..Right before Thanksgiving he told me he wanted out again but then he didn’t leave and just 6 days ago he came home and said he was moving out..He packed approx 80%of his things. When he went to take items that weren’t his and I told him to put it back he proceeded to hit me and actually grabbed me by the back of my neck and pushed my face into the couch and held me down so I couldn’t breathe causing me to have an asthma attack. When he did go outside i locked garage door and the front door so he couldn’t come near me until the cops arrived but he then took a crow bar and destroyed the garage door and broke the lock on the front door…All of this was done right in front of our 11 year old daughter,,He did leave that night and there is now a restraining order..I have not had any contact with him in the last 6 days which is by far the longest we have ever had no contact in 17 years..I cry all the time, idont’ sleep and don’t eat because all I do is try to figure out ways that I can make this right..I wonder if he is eating, taking his meds, sleeping, upset..Can you believe?! This man does what he does to me and puts our daughter through all this crap and here I am thinking about him and how It can be made right…I deserve better..This is a man i worshipped and adored..He will forever have my heart but that is not who he is..NO man who would do what he did is worthy of my adoration or worship or even my time of day…I have never been through anything harder in my life then the realization that my marriage is over..I am scared..I have never been on my own. I am strong as i know all of you are and i will make it as you all will make it too..God brings chaos into our lives to get your attention…He has my attention does he have yours? I wish you all the best on this journey that you are all embarking on…hold your heads up high knowing you did your best and there is better out there…Good luck to you all!!
  
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upset_wanttodie
October 15, 2008 at 5:23 pm

My husband says that he wants a divorce because I did not fulfill all his expectations. I love him very much. i told him that I would do whatever he wants, but he is not ready to give me any chance. He wants to file for divorce and that too in this month. He can’t even look at me, does not touch me, and does not let me touch him. I am so hurt. He is the only person I loved in my whole life. I do not know how to live without him. Every one says that he is self centered and just thinks of himself, but I just love him. I do not know what to do. I just want to die.

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C.
October 30, 2008 at 7:17 am

I am totally confused with my problem, my husband and i have been married now to this day for 21 yrs, recently an old friend(ex-girlfriend) found him they reconnected as friends(so he thought) my gut told me she was still in love with him after 23 yrs of them seeing each other,(she is married also) my husband went to CA(she is in NC) for his job, i was told by him do not call me i will call you well after arguements on the phone, i found out that they were talking on the cell(his work cell) 2 to 3 times a day, he was ready to leave me due to he said I didnt trust him, then she sent him an e-mail that woke him up(so i thought) he got back home to me we had over a 2 hour talk then he told me he still loves me and he made love to me like he hasnt done in yrs, everything was going good so i thought, we moved to another state recently and all of a sudden, he tells me once again, he is not IN love with me but loves me, today is our 21st anniversay and he doesnt care, says its just another day. he still talks with her on the phone and online chats, I should also mention that when he is drunk he tells me he is IN love with me, he also takes meds, which he has recently ran out of, and now he says once again he loves me but not in love with me, i want so much for him to love me and be in love with me, he told me i do not trust him,he told me even if he left me he would be alone and would not be with anyone. I am sooo hurt,scared,and upset. the other day though he had sex with me(which usually he tells me sex is over-rated) and told me he loves me, could him being off his meds cause this? do people tell their true feelings when they are drunk or sober? why would he take me to a couples retreat and we reconnected and he told me he is still in love with me only 2 weeks ago and now he says he isnt in love with me. he does not want to seek any kind of counceling what am i suppose to do, how can i show him i trust him, and how can 1 min he says i am in love with you, then the next min. not in love with me. please if anyone has an answer to this one let me know.

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- rikki
  June 15, 2009 at 3:24 am
  
  i am going thru the i dont know back and forth thing also. my hubbys and alcoholic sounds like urs is too. Look up the definition codependcy. i have been going to alanon meetings to help myself. also look up the book codependent no more itll open ur eyes.
  
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C
November 1, 2008 at 4:01 am

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Also think he needs to get back on his meds.

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a
November 10, 2008 at 10:57 pm

my husband says he does not love me anymore and has not for six months. we have been together for 7 years and got married last summer – he has been texting a girl 9 years his junior constantly after they met on a week course in the summer. she lives quite far away and the relationship will unlikly be come physical.

he feels he is board, he also spend excessive hours on his work via his i phone. We have had less and less time together since his new job he took in Feb.

I am not sure what has changed to make him so unhappy that he feels he does not want to come home. We are both involved in the same hobby and spend a number of hours a week together, however the rest of the time he working.

A much older friend did die in the summer time and I am wondering if this might be a factor.

He will not talk about it other than he feels board and he does not love me anymore.

Any advice……

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A
November 26, 2008 at 6:19 pm

Wow, I am so glad to have found this site. I am so sad for all of you. Your stories all break my heart and lift it at the same time. My Husband after 8 years of marraige told me when I was 9 month pregnant with my second baby girl that he was just not in love with me anymore. She is now 18 months old and this has been the worst 18 month in my life. He stayed and I have done some very comprosmising things to make him love me, including getting breast implants. I one week will think i am done with him and then the next go spend $300 at victoria secret, only to be rejected yet once again. I know I can not change his mind because i have done everything I can and in the meantime have missed 18 month of my beautiful life with my beautiful girls. It is just so hard to stop trying. I think we as women think we can fix everything and well this is just one thing we can’t. I am so deeply sickened by how pathetic these men are. And we all deserve to be loved COMPLETELY! Not be begging for it. I am a strong women and after reading all of your stories I feel even stronger. We (women) will get through this and someday find true happiness within ourselves and our sweet children and from one another. For those of you asking for advice on how to fix it, please stay true to yourself and your children. Today I am going to take my own advice and TODAY I am done with him. I will be asking him for a separation after the Holiday. I pray for all of you please pray for my strength.

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- rikki
  June 15, 2009 at 3:21 am
  
  i am going thru something similiar. Look up the definition codependency. And a book called codependency no more. i have recently found out that i am codependent and im going to alanon meetings. Check it out
  
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- Trina
  August 15, 2009 at 5:20 am
  
  I hope all is well and you will be in my prayers
  
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Jessica Nowell
December 10, 2008 at 11:52 pm

I, too have read these posts with much understanding and confusion because I have been there, too. All I know to say is obviously based on what I have been through. My husband told me a while back that he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. I had heard that from other people in describing their relationship, but always wondered what it meant and furthermore why either one stays after such a proclamation. Well, to the best of my ability, I think as I replied to the statement. 1. Wow, I thought that was what high school kids said to someone not married folks. 2. I thought it was a “cop out” and he didn’t want to admit the feelings he had for my bestfriend from the age of 5 years – MY SISTA!! so to speak – ‘Sista’ is not a biological thing, but one of those who you share everything with who you love like a sister. Anyway, through intuition, cell phone numbers etc. I realized I had been betrayed by not only my husband, but a confidante and someone I cherished. I found out about the affair 2 months after we adopted our 6 month old daughter. I was taken aback and my soul was ripped out with my heart. 3. When I asked why he didn’t leave me, he said he didn’t feel it was the right thing to do – he instead went to his new found “friend” with his discomfort and true feelings. And may I add I now realized I allowed him to stay. He stayed because it wouldn’t have been in his best interest. I had shared my inheritance which included a successful business, a 350,000 home and if i may say so, I am a educated and very attractive woman.
Women, if we internalize these proclamations and continue to take it as if we were faulty and undeserving we will end up helping no one. I went on a path of serious self-destruction. I became an enraged thing – I have busted windsheilds, destroyed personal belongings, verbalized some unbeleiveable things in front of my child and did so many drugs for a 2 year period that I no longer have my successful business and may lose my home. I type this tonight and can truly and earnestly say that, THERE IS A GOD AND HE IS GREATER THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. We are worthy to be loved.

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Anonymous
December 14, 2008 at 3:00 am

Me and my husband have been together 4 yrs we have a 3 yr old daughter and for the past 2 mo their is something diffrent we dont act like husband and wife their is no connection he says he dosnt know what i am talking about but i fell that he dosnt love me i fell like i am going carzy i love him and he loves me but i think we are just used to being together and now we are just like friends but we sleep together wierd right i dont know what to do because i dont want to lose him

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Determined Husband
December 17, 2008 at 1:45 pm

Wow. How familiar all of this sounds. I recently told my wife that I love her but do not feel in love with her. She took it quite well…of course it hurt. But she told me that I was depressed and that I needed to go to the doctor. So I did and indeed I was depressed. There was another woman. I met her on an airplane. I became infatuated with her. After two or 3 weeks of chatting with her on facebook I came clean to my wife. I knew that what was/is going on in my head was not adding up. That was about 6 months ago. I have been in counseling for about that long. I am seeing the problem is with me…not that I didn’t know that already. She has her problems as well…sex once every 3 months is one of them. We’ve gone nearly a year without sex once and 6 or more months several times. Still, I refuse to get a divorce. We’ve been married for nearly 12 years. We have 3 children; 6,4 and 1…all girls. They are so dear to me. I believe I would rather die than see their little hearts broken. I know what that feels like. There are so many sad endings…I desparately want a happy ending to our little story. Someway, somehow I have to fall in love with her again.

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- pearl
  February 14, 2010 at 5:35 pm
  
  i wish my husband was like you. We said we would never divorce, we are seperated. We have a 3 yo. It breaks my heart everyday what she and i go through, more for her though. I love him in everyway. I am Very much in love with him. idk what to do. when hes drunk he tells me i hate how much i love this about you or i only want you to do this to me and no one else. I think hes still in love with me but is depressed. what to do what to do/
  
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- Coachfieldhockey
  June 1, 2010 at 5:23 pm
  
  I have to say. Your wife is lucky to have you. You at least want to work it out and are willing to be patient. I believe that love is a choice and that the honeymoon stage is short lived. I am glad that you are thinking of your wedding vows and your commitment to the children. God will bless you and your family if you seek him. A recommended book would be The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It is a real eye opener.
  
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Anonymous
January 6, 2009 at 4:15 am

Well what can I say I know it hurts and it hurts so bad. I have been separated for about 8months now…I still cannot believe it. everything was going well I love this man so much that I wanted to be with him for ever. We had a first child on nov 29,07 we were so happy. I did not see it comming. We were planning of moving to another city because of the economy issues..I packed and left with my parent’s and my two kids on may/08 because he said we were going to save. After I left during that week I try calling and he was talking to me different did not wanted to talk much and I finnally said what happen and He said he did not love me no more. and that was by phone. I went insaine I wanted to drive back 4 hours from where I was in the middle of the night with my kids, but he said that if I went back that I was not going to see him. So I had stayed…After two months passed he came to see his daughter and my son and that when I found out that there was another person. Little did I Knew 2 days later that It was My friends sister that had just come from central america to the US about 04/08 and had knew me and that I had invited for my sons b-day. Was already living in my apartment that I had left. Both had denied to me that they were not together,but I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once there. And other things…I am hurting still and I know is probably for a long time… Know my thought is whats going to happen next. He tells me that he left me because I did not cook or clean much. well that is one of his reasons. There alot to say , but don’t know if he will ever be back I know that fisiclly she is better than me but when I knew that it was her. I just said to my self she is a bad woman… any comment I will apreciate it..thank you

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Michele
January 6, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Wow… I’ve read all your posts. On the one hand, it is good to know that I am not alone in this emptiness. On the other hand, I’m the one who has lost so much feeling for my husband of 18 years. He has changed soooo much! He has become his father. The same father he said he couldn’t stand, the “loser” who had no ambition in life. Now he acts just like him. I am at a cross road.

I cannot stand the sight of him and have been sleeping on the couch for the past 4 months. I don’t know if I really want to work it out. We have 3 kids, and I am only staying in the house because of our youngest child (8 years old), who truly needs us to be together more than our older 2 kids (teenagers). I am trying to keep things “civil” by not fighting, but we are just room mates now. Is that OK? My grandparents & his own parents slept/sleep in different beds. Am I expecting too much in this marriage? Is it OK to just stay together without the passion? We’ve been together a very long time. Part of me says yes. Anyone else feeling the same way or have any suggestions?

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- DJ
  August 16, 2009 at 12:54 pm
  
  It is only fair to him and you if you leave him. MArrige without passion will take effect on your health as well as your partner. No one should ever marry to the same person for one once in your life time. If so, you will regret for the things you have not tried and enjoyed while you can when you leave this world.
  
  Leaving someone takes courage. If you think you are strong enough and confident, you can do it. If you are jsut a regular person, it may be hard on you.
  
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lucile
January 9, 2009 at 10:56 pm

I hate my husband. I have been married 21 years. We are both successful professionals. He comes home every night and drinks 10 to 12 beers.. He is mean sometimes after he drinks. I have been carrying the weight of all the household stuff and all the evening kids activities, driving for 21 years… My kids are going on to college..which is what I have been waiting for and I am trying to plan how to get away..Why should I leave my house, I want him too..but he is such an asshole he just will never go…I have stayed for the kids..I don’t know if that was a good thing or not…help

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- rikki
  June 15, 2009 at 3:32 am
  
  look up the book codpendent no more. and look into alanon classes it will help u trust me
  
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- DJ
  August 16, 2009 at 1:00 pm
  
  Leave him. It is the time. Women are weak some times. Since you ahve donated 21 years of your life, don’t you want to enjoy something better out there waiting for you.
  
  Or you can try to seperate from him for several months to see if things are getting better.
  
  Women will live longer and better and more true to themselves when they live free lives after bringing up their kids.
  
  I feel you are a strong woman.
  
  We need to be free from burnden and agrevation from all men who come to our lives.
  
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ann
January 25, 2009 at 9:38 am

i’m in the same boat, i’ve been with my husband for 12 years, married for three and have a 21mth son but i hate the site of him. I no longer love him and i want a divorce

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- DJ
  August 16, 2009 at 1:02 pm
  
  Divorce is your best choice. We don’t need to be with someone who may pose health hazard on us.
  
  Enjoy the freedom while it is not too late.
  
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ann
January 25, 2009 at 9:44 am

follow on from above-
i have a good job and i know i’d be alot happier if i was no longer with him. We fight all the time, in front of our baby and its not far. My husband is a usless man who can’t do anything, i do everthing, cook clean washing, ironing, plastering, painting everything and i also work full time. He calls me names and then carries on pretending nothing ever happened. I only buried someone recently who was very close to me and he does’nt give a shit about that, he hurts but i know know that its time to leave and i will find someone else. i’ll get by even if things do get hard but i don’t care i’m so sad inside at moment it aches, i’d prefer to be happy and broke rather than have everything and be totally miserable…

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- DJ
  August 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm
  
  Totally agree with you. You go girl..
  
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k-rose
February 2, 2009 at 3:26 pm

I have been seeing my 46 year old boyfriend for 8 months now, i believed that he loved me as much as i loved him, but he said the other night that although he loved me he wasnt in love with me. I feel absolutely devastated because i now feel that his with me because he feels sorry for me because i reacted badley and broke down and begged him not to leave. I dont know what to do, i cant imagine my life without him.

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Carrie
February 5, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I need some advice. I’ve been married for 6 yrs to my husband. we’re both in our 20’s I’m 3 yrs older. he has twice in the past said he is not sure he wants to be married anymore. Could this be normal marriage up and downs? My confidence has dropped greatly and I’m looking at myself like what am doing wrong that this guy keeps backing out and then goes “OH no, I didn’t mean it you’re the one!”. I want to believe him but my mind keeps thinking about how he was behaving each time this happened. It was like he was just done and ready to be on his own…then he just changes his mind and begs me to forgive him. Is twice in 6 yrs too much for this to happen or am I overreacting? At this point I’m too afraid to have kids with him…..i don’t want to be a single mother!!

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anne
February 16, 2009 at 12:35 am

hi! i dont have any idea how to started this post of mine. i dont know whos person im gonna talk to or ask to about this things happened while being pregnant for eight months. i know that depression is common for pregant women and i think for a while that i felt this way. honestly im a very positive person.. happy with my life and easy goin when im single.but everythings changed when im pregnant. its like i dont know if i still have feeling with my husband and im very negative the i think about him. many says that being pregnant is emotional , and so many negative vibes to feel but after that it will be all gone when your not preggy anymore. i dont know is it common for pregnant to fee like this,,, i know its unfair for my husband if im gonna say to him i dont love him anymore. what i should i do?

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Anonymous
February 17, 2009 at 4:05 pm

I have read through all of your posts and I can’t believe how many other people are going through similar situations as me. 3 days ago on Valentine’s Day, my husband and I went out to dinner at a beautiful restaurant and I had a couple of drinks. We somehow got into talking about our ex’s and one argument led to another. That night, he told me loved me and will always love me because I am the mother of his kids but that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He has always had an insecurity about my ex boyfriend and always starts asking questions about when I broke up with him and how he got my number when he called me 2 years ago. I have a terrible memory and I honestly don’t know how he got my number. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and we have 3 kids together ( a 4 year old girl, 3 year old boy and 9 1/2 month old baby girl). Lately, he has been staying at work later and making plans to go out with guys from work. He told me that I was gaining some weight and losing my figure…..So, I started dieting and eating healthier. I have since lost a lot of weight but I work a full time job and when I get home, I care for the kids and the house. I barely get any sleep and have to wake up in the morning to do it all over again. Our sex life has suffered and he tells me that I am boring when it comes to sex. Honestly, I am too damn tired to even want sex and I do a lot of things to please him, even if I don’t enjoy them. Anyway, after my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore, I have withdrawn from him because I feel so insecure and fear rejection. We own a house together and we have so much more to lose if we get a divorce. I don’t know what to do……I want to do the right things to make him fall in love with me again but I don’t know what will work. Our lives are so stressful with work and the kids and we can’t afford for either one of us to stay home. Any advise?

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elaine
February 27, 2009 at 7:21 am

READ YOUR STORY AND REALLY FELT FOR YOU. HAVE BEEN MARRIED 38 years HAVE 7 CHILDREN ALL GROWN MY HUSBAND ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT HIS LIFE BUT WHEN I TALK HE NEVER LISTENED. UNTIL ONEDAY HE ASKED ME WHO I TALK TO ON THE NET MADE UP A STORY I HAD A MALE FRIEND ON THE NET FROM THEN ON HE SOON LISTENED. ARRANGE FOR A BABYSITTER ONCE A MONTH AND MEET SOMEWHERE VERY SPECIAL. LEAVE LOVE NOTES FOR HIM . IF HE CONTINUES TO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS THEN YOU DO THE SAME GET A BABY SITTER OR FRIEND. YOU SEE I STAYED HOME 24/7 MY HUSBAND DID AS HE PLEASED FOR MANY YEARS. DONT REVOLVE YOUR LIFE AROUND YOUR HUSBAN D IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND TIME TOGETHER WITH WORK AND 3 YOUNG CHILDREN. IF YOU HAVE THE NET ON GET SOME NEW SEX IDEAS OR WHEN HE COMES HOME AT NIGHT GREET HIM AT THE DOOR WITH A KISS> YOU HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN TOGETHER > REMEMBER HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS BEFORE THE KIDS CAME ALONG. FIND THAT LOVE THAT WAS ONCE THERE. GOOD LUCK.

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Broken Heart
March 6, 2009 at 12:25 am

My boyfriend of 3 years told me last week that he loves me but is no longer “in love” with me. We’ve had our difficulties in the relationship and have been in counseling for a year. Just when I was thinking things were stable, happy and secure and planning a future with him and a child, he drops the love bomb on me.

After our first year together, he broke up with me but I convinced him to stay, which made him relieved and happy again. But now I know that I should have just let him go. I am still in love with him, and was completely devastated and crushed when he told me last week.

But now I know why women make men chase them for so long before letting themselves get caught. You gotta know your man will stay interested in you for a long time; otherwise he’ll get bored and dump you.

And it doesn’t matter if you have the highest IQ or the best education or the most money or whatever. He won’t care. If he’s bored, he’s bored. And poof, he’s gone. He told me I’m the most logical and rational woman he’s met, and that he was more in love with me than he’s been in love with any of his past girlfriends, and that I was one in a million and he would never find another woman like me. But that still wasn’t enough to keep him in love with me.

Well, I can do a lot better. I know myself and my needs far better now, and I understand men a lot better too now. I won’t make this mistake again.

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Denny
March 30, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Elaine’ you rock! I can tell you are a seasoned woman with much wisdom to share. Please continue as there are many on this post suffering that could use your wise words…Denny

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crushedheart
April 5, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I thought I was the only one going through all of this. I have been married for 25 years, dated for 8 years before we were married. I thought every thing was going fine. We were on vacation 2 years ago when my husband told me he loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me anymore. He hasn’t really talked to me since, well he doesn’t care about anything that has happened in my life. I can’t tell anyone what has happened. I can’t tell my family. I don’t want them to worry about me. I cant tell friends. I am afraid people will think less of me. I don’t know what to do, where to go. He is not leaving. When i ask him about it now, he says he didn’t say that, but he did. It wont go out of my head. When we go to bed he puts his back to me. When I tell him I love him, he says I’m trying to start a fight. Please help me. I think everybody will be better off if I’m not here anymore. They can start over. They won’t have to worry about me. I have nothing. Please help me, please.

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- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  April 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm
  
  Dear Crushedheart:
  
  Thanks for writing. While you remain silent with the people who love you (family, friends, etc.) you keep yourself beyond their healing touch. Please find a way to let people into your life at a level that they are able to provide companionship and understanding for you.
  
  If you read around this website there are hundreds of articles and letters to help you find your voice and your standing with your husband. While you remain a victim (voiceless, silent) he remains in charge of your future. You will be far more attractive to the world around you when you work on your own life and your own future despite what your husband chooses to do.
  
  May you come to life and surprise yourself and all those around you — whether your husband notices or not.
  
  Write again,
  
  Rod smith
  
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  - anne
    September 1, 2009 at 7:50 am
    
    DEAR ROD , You are such a strong light , please continue helping people in here , you are very wise and I love everything you say , thank you so much ~~
Maggie
April 8, 2009 at 12:03 pm

To crushedheart ~

Your message is heartbreaking. Clearly your husband has already left your marriage, emotionally, if not physically. You, on the other hand, are still hanging on with no clear idea of what to do next. 25 years is a long time to be with one person. Habits develop, invisible bonds are created and it is difficult to imagine an alternative. But there are good things out there for you in a future beyond this toxic environment you are in now.

Please do not despair. Life will amaze you with it’s goodness once you embrace the possibilities. You are creating your reality every day. Start today thinking about your life in new ways. The universe will provide.

Stay in touch.

Peace.
Maggie

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Tina
April 30, 2009 at 9:57 pm

My husband and I have been together for 5 years..3 of those married. He comes from a broken home..his parents have had alot of issues in their marriage. He recently told me that he has given up on me. He says he’s given up on my cleaning, my cooking our sex life etc etc. He is always sulking and goes for even 2 weeks without talking to me. He told me that he does not want to have marital relations with me, even though he does not initiate any of it. I’m done with him. Fed up. When a woman is fed up…there is nothing you can do about it.

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Nita
May 24, 2009 at 5:13 am

I understand all your pain. I am too in the similar situation. My 48 year old husband came in told me I love you, but I am not “in love” with you. I want to separate for a while. I want to have sex with other women, be free for a while, be RICK for a while. I was totally devastated. We have been married for 20 years. Would have been 21 in Sept., but he left in August bought a house, across the street. Met up with at 22 year old girl from work, and says now he is soooo “in love”. Took her to Vegas, that was going to be OUR trip together, Now planning to take her to Hawaii, also was to be our trip together. I am devastated. He is so into her, she is fat, I was fat but he wanted me to change, she is literally the same size as me, and he comes to me after years of emotional abuse about me being fat, and then says, “see it wasn’t ever about your weight, see how big she is.” Talk about a slap in the face. On and on. She has already cheated on him 2-3 times in the past 9 months. Geez, he would never have taken me back time and again if I had or had 2-3 affairs. He would have killed me if I had done that. I am confused, I did everything for him, but he leaves me for a girl half my age, womanhood. He is now madly in love and wants to get married and start a family. We (he and I) have two children together a boy and a girl. I don’t even recognize this man anymore. Who is he? What takes over for their pains?

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- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  May 24, 2009 at 8:29 am
  
  Try and focus upon what you and your children need to bring meaningful futures out of this narcissistic chaos. Would you believe me if I said you have no future worth having with him? I doubt you will believe me.
  
  Reply
- DJ
  August 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm
  
  Girl, you need to make his life as much hell as you can. Here are some ideas for you if you don’t see hope to get him back and doubt it at this point. His mind is not with him.
  
  1. File law suit against him and his girl friend for emotional stress. Better to have some doctors exam result.
  
  2. Break him finicially.
  
  3. Use your children to make him come to his senses. Men tend to get carried away for a while.
  
  4. But don’t do anything illegal.
  
  If you still love him, pls take a look at yourself to find out if there is anything you can do to improve yourself. You may find someone younger, better looking and lvoe you at the same time. Never give up on yourself. I know you can do it.
  
  Reply
Kim
July 13, 2009 at 3:55 am

I am amazed the more I search for answers, at how many women are struggling with exactly what I am struggling with. My husband told me 2 weeks ago that he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He isn’t happy in our marriage, with work, or even doing the things he always enjoyed doing. He wants to feel his eyes light up when I walk in the room and have an exciting sex life. (He is on meds for blood pressure and other heart problems, also has PKD and has had problems with sex for years>) He left and moved into an apartment that he had leased for a year. I am devastated to say the least. Our 24th anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks. I am fortunate that at least our kids are grown but it doesn’t make this any less painful. I know he has changed somewhat, become more withdrawn, since the death of his mother over a year ago. I just cannot understand how you walk out with no warning. He doesn’t want me to call or email him, just wants to take it one day at a time while he trues to figure out what he wants. His latest comment is he is tired of taking care of everyone. Not talking to him is almost impossible since I work for him after being laid off a year ago. Now, my family won’t even speak to me because I feel it is important to try and give him some space if that is what it takes to save the marriage. I wish I had a genie in the bottle who could tell me if it is possible for this to work out. Two weeks later, I still cry myself to sleep at night and wake up crying. I am trying to do things for myself, going to the gym, getting a new haircut, little things to make me feel a little better when I look in the mirror. Nothing seems to help though. I even put together a photo album for my husband with pictures of the kids and us, asking him to focus on the positive things about our marriage when he looks at the photos. The last couple pages were photocopies of the love letters he sent me (there weren’t many) so he can remember some of the reasons he used to love me. Guess I sound desperate, but my fairytale ending has always been to grow old with my husband, to strengthen our marriage and rekindle the romance now that the kids are gone. I worry I will never have the chance.

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ALISON BUCHER
July 21, 2009 at 6:15 pm

HELLO EVERY ONE , THIS IS HAD HAPPENED TO ME WHEN MY EX HUSBAND TOLD ME HE DIDNT LOVE ME FOR 2 AND HALF YEARS, MARK MOVED OUT LAST OCTOBER MOVED HIS OWN PLACE APT BUT YESTERDAY HE TOLD ME THAT HE DID DATE WITH ANOTHER LADY A MONTH BEFORE HE FILED DIVORCED TO ME AS HE WANT TO DIVORCED ME , I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN CRYING DAYS AND NIGHT , O AM SURE THEY DID DATING MORE THROUGH THANKGIVING AND CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR . MARK JUST WONT TELL ME THE TRUTH AT ALL OR WONT EVEN CONFESS ME AT ALL BUT THAT ALL CAME OUT TODAY AS I ASKED HIM THAT HE USED COME HOME FROM WORK VERY LATE AND EAT OUT ALONE BUT I TOLD HIM DID THIS LADY HAD DINNER WITH YOU? HE DIDNT WANT TO ANSWER ME AT FRIST BUT THEN HE SAID YES HE DID HAVE DINNER WITH THE LADY I KEPT MYSELF COOL INSIDE . NOW I KNEW THAT HE WAS SEEN SOMEONE AS HE LIES TO ME AS I DID ASKED EARLY THIS YEAR IF HE DID SEE SOMEONE AND HE SAID NO AT FIRST BUT THIS BOTHER ME FOR A WHILE, WE GOT DIVORCED THIS YEAR JAN 2009 I DIDNT ASKED FOR DIVORCED BUT HE CANT WAIT TO DIVORCED ME SO THAT HE CAN BE WITH HIS LADY WHO NOW HIS WIFE AS THEY GOT MARRIED THIS YEAR IN MAY SO CAN YOU IMAGED HOW PAIN I HAVE BEEN THROUGH FROM LAST SUMMER TILL NOW ALMOST ONE YEAR AGO , I AM VERY ANGRY AND HURT BY MARK MY EX HUSBAND WHO TELL ME LIES AND DATING WHILE HE STILL MARRIED TO ME HOW CAN HE DO THAT TO ME AFTER 14 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE, AS THE DAYS GO BY I AM PICKING UP MY LIFE TOGETHER YES THE PAIN IS STILL HERE BUT IT TAKE TIME TO HEAL I KNOW I WILL BE STRONG PERSON AGAIN BUT ONE THING IS THAT I AM STILL AFRIAD TO DATE AGAIN AS DONT WANT TO BE HURT LIKE THIS AGAIN . TIME TO MOVE ON SLOWLY EACH DAY I WILL BE ALRIGHT , ALISON

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Anonymous
January 8, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I just happened upon this sight, and I feel so sad for all of you. My prayers are with you. I also had a husband that off and on, was in and out of love with me. Often it felt like I had to compete with his self love. Once he told me that he needed to be with someone “on his level”…wanted a divorce and was taking the children. I was very upset, but now that I look bad, he did so many sneaky things, that he got by with. At that time, I was upset, and the next day, I decided to do something differently. I agreed with him, told him it did not bother me, and that I didn’t love him anymore than he loved me. That shook him up badly….I also called the Pastor to come over, and I let her know that he wanted a divorce and wanted to take the children. She did come over and she made comments that he could not just decide to take the children. I was their only parent….he traveled alot and his role as parent was very limited. But…deciding he’s right, and really GET HAPPY…act as if you are happy for his decisions….go with it. This takes their mind off their penis and the other woman. Silly but true….

Also, be very, very close to your children…my ex tried to make them dislike me as they were teenagers. Be close and happy with them, so they are with you. These men have no hearts sometimes, and when they do…it’s their penis. So, if you want to mess with them…be happy about it.

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Anonymous
January 16, 2010 at 2:07 am

my husband married me 4 months ago, we have been together 7 and half years. but new years day he told me he does not love me any more and only see me as a friend,he wants to leave. i love him so much and did not think things was so bad, i am so broken up i do not know what to do.

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Heather
February 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm

I knew that many women went through what I went through but I can’t believe how many have a similar story. My husband and I were together for about 3 years before we got married, we were married for 2.5 years and our daughter was 11 weeks old when he told me that he didn’t love me anymore! I was only 30 and he was 27 at the time. From the 5th month of my pregnancy, he didn’t want to have anything to do with me or my belly. I would try and get him to touch my belly or watch/feel her kick but he said no thanks. It tore me apart. It was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and it had this big cloud hanging over it. He was so distant at her birth and afterward. He barely spent any time at the hospital with me. He was at home lounging and going to the gym. It was so upsetting. After he left, it was so difficult but thankfully I was on maternity leave for a year so I had the time to just cry and didn’t have to worry about any other responsibilities other than my baby. I remember being so thankful for having her and she basically saved my life. I don’t know if I would have dealt with the break up as well without her. She made me want to get up and laugh every day. She’s now 6 years old and has a good relationship with her dad. I’ve moved on.

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Victoria
June 7, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Hi I need help and suggestions you guys are my only hope. Okay here we go…. I need to know what to do to make my husband fall in love with me. 1. He told me he loved me but not in a romantic way. 2. He’s depressed. 3. we were almost forced to get married by both families even though at the time didn’t realize it now he does and I have to admit I do too, but I love him he’s confused. Okay even though he’s confused he says he wants to change everything he wants to fall in love with me, he dosne’t want to get a divorce. but, it hurts to know he’s not in love with me romanticly well here comes my question. He wants to fall in love with me. And I want him too, but I need advice what things should I do and not do. For example I have to admit I’m obsessed with his email just b/c I don’t know who he is talking to. But, we still have incredible sex. So, I’m so confused he says he’s trying but somthings missing he say’s there’s 99% there but 1% not there. and even though it sounds nice it still destroys me that he doesn’t love me romanticly b/c he confessed that a girl from work made him feel that love and he’ s been emailing her for about 4 months now and it hurts…… He say’s he’s stopped but nobody can assure it and he never wants to talk about it. Please help me he’s not a bad person but this hurts a lot.

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- Dwelling
  July 4, 2010 at 2:15 pm
  
  may i know ur age, Victoria?
  Since when ur husband contacted this girl?
  U both already ve children? How much child u both ve?
  ……..
  I ve friend who has same problem with u…
  I’ll help…but let me know the detail…. Only if u don’t mind
  
  Reply
Amiari
July 19, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Victoria, it sounds like your husband and you are in love. Sure there are the ups and downs, but the importatnt thing here is that both of you are willing to work it out. I really do not believe anyone is in love 100 percent of the time they are with their partner, so your husband 99 percent is far better off then most guys. It really does not matter that both your families pressured you and your husband to get married, both of you still did it and now just let time pass and the love will be that you both already have will grow stronger and stronger. Don’t worry about the other girl, he accepted the fact that he doesn’t want to be with her, he knows he wants you. Hang in there and Good Luck!

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Liz
October 10, 2010 at 8:17 pm

My heart breaks for myself and for all of you who are going thru the same thing.
I have been with my husband for 7 yrs, married for 1 1/2 yrs now. 4 months ago
he told me he doesnt want to be in the relationship anymore. That he doesnt love me the way he used to. We have been apart all this time but still talk about everything all the time. I tried convincing him to give us another chance that we can fix things, but he says its too broken its too late. I am seeing a therapist and am still crying myself to sleep every night with all the help I’m getting.
I still love him so deeply that I am so hurt and can not give up.
He admits he cares and he admits he is hurt and doesnt want to get hurt again if we try. I will do anything to give it a shot but dont know what else to do.

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Lana
November 10, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Posted to a really old text so posted again!

Just need somewhere to let out my feelings and writing seems to comfort me!
I have been with my husband since the 6th grade he was my first boyfriend and only boyfriend. We’ve been married going on 12years and have 4 children together. He told me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know when he stopped loving me but that he’s been with me this entire time because I am a good person, good mother,good wife and I deserve to have all the things I want and need. He thought he could satisfy me by working hard and provided for me financially but realises now that it’s not fair for me to not be loved like I deserve. He said that I’m still young and if he left now that it would be easier for me to find someone else to give me everything I deserve. It broke my heart and I cried at night and felt so horrible but new I had to be strong for my kids. It’s hard to basically push my feelings aside and be strong. I find myself feeling so empty and crying randomely when no one is around. He left for about a week and came back when i stopped calling him and answering his phone calls. I asked him to stop playing games and to get all his things and leave. I took down pictures of us and just wanted nothing to do with him in our home. He then asked me not to do that and kept one of the pictures I had taken down. He came back asking for another chance and said he cares for me and realises that he doesn’t want things to end and that maybe counseling or something would help us. I asked him not to do this to me again because this is the second time in the last 4 years he’s done this and then came back. I told him he just can’t keep coming back when I’m ready to let go. He said he understood and that he was back because he wanted to be here with me. We tried giving each other some space for a bit but found ourselves going back to the old routine of not having any space. Now he’s extremely distant from me he barely talks to me unless it’s sexual. I just don’t feel he is where he wants to be. I don’t feel any love or emotion from him and it hurts. I find myself trying to do things to not make him angry or upset and I’m losing myself over it. I think about everyone but myself most of the time. I’m so scared that he doesn’t love me and that he’s just going to up and I feel helpless. I’m constantly paranoid that he’s seeing someone else and if so it wouldn’t be the first time. He’s done this in the past and then has come back. I think that my paranoia is making things worse for us. I still have hope but i just don’t know how to make things better.

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Diana
December 11, 2010 at 10:07 pm

I really don’t know how old all these post are but I can tell you that I am in the situation where my husband does not love me anymore. He has been saying that for couple of months now and it comes and goes I guess….I am a really jealous person and I have accused him of going around to where he always denies it. Last night we had a really big fight and he told me that we needed to be fair to each other and that I needed to leave. I am not in the best financial situation and I will tell you it scares the living lights out me not imagining my life without him. Today he has been gone for most of the day and I don’t want to call I know that will probably make him angrier and even more distant. I noticed also he is not wearing his wedding ring anymore. I know we are all going through similar things but it really hurts to be told that you are not loved when you still love the other person. I am in no shape, way or form a perfect person I have a temper just like does as well. I would love to seek therapy but he thinks that kind of thing is silly and it wouldn’t work and I just really think I’ve lost him forever. We have been married for 8 1/2 years. I just want to let my feelings out and I do appreciate reading all your stories…I guess I am really feeling hopeless right now.

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Laura
February 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

These real life stories break my heart and bring tears to my eyes. I am broken as well. I caused my own pain and grieve in my marriage. We all have a part to play in how our marriages come out. Now he says lets see what happens. It all depends on me. That he loves me but I know he is not in love with me. The warning signs have always been there but I recklessly avoided them. Not taking the hints he was sending. t takes two to create a problem orfix a problem. To me it sounds like there is a divorce coming. Yes, I take ownership for the problems I have created in our marriage and the emotional abuse I have caused for my husband. I was hurting inside daily for the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage. It does not make what i did right to him. Is job left him very little time for me or the kids. I got married for companionship and did not get that. His job takes him away 6 to 7 months of the year and then he has his hunting trips he goes on for a few weeks a year not counting is service duties to the army reserve. I feel very neglected and taken advantage of. As though as I was holding a place for him when he comes home. Like he is a roomate. Now looking back I was correct in letting him know in the beginning when I was feeling neglected. I remember crying so many times to him knowing we were doomed if we did not get the time we needed to have to keep the romance alive. I couldnt get him to be a prticapate in that. His friends, work and hobbies were always more important. Now its to late. I am trying to figure out how to suck up my pride and save face when the D is delivered. I am a mess inside and do not want him to know as it will really drive him further away. I have in listed the help of a christian counsler not for us but for me. I have to fix me before I can ever think about fixing a marriage. Signed as my husband would says: It will depend on the extend of the damage that has been done and depends alot on me. I can only change for me. This is the only way I can begin mending and moving on with my own life and learn from my mistakes. Sign me had to do it twice to understand I am the cause of my own relationship failures.

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alex
February 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

Ive read all your post and in some way relate my situation.I know my husband does not love me even if he keeps on telling me that he do. As the saying goes “actions speak louder than words”. # years ago Ive found out that after a year of marriage my husband is still seeing his ex. One time his phone rings and I happen to answer it I ask who the caller was and bang it his ex. The room seems to melt under my feet I felt so weak that sit on the floor arguing to my self whether to confront him or not. but I happen to have the guts at that time and ask him. He denied of, but when I ask the ex she told me her knowledge of him is that he is single. since that day I know our marriage is in chaos. But we try to fix things for our marriage. It hurts to know that he does not love me. He doesnt even care about my feelings how I feel on the photos of them together keep in his locker,old love letters etc. Its obvious that he loves her that much because the tone of his voice change at the mere mention of her name. My problem is I want to break free from this pain. I want to leave him, the thing that stop me are the kids because they are very close to him. How will they cope with situation? Please can somebody give me an advice

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Anonymous
February 22, 2011 at 2:25 pm

A few nights ago my teenager and husband got in a yelling match. It was getting very threatening and i stepped in to stop it. The two of them would not back down. My son went to his room and my husband started packing his clothes. My husband told me that he doesn’t love me and wants to move on. The argument had nothing to do with me but it was where we are in our marriage, He has given up and decided that life would be better without me and his child arguing, He really meant it when he said that he doesn’t love me, that he doesn’t need me and wants to move on I was upset and left few a bit but would not stay gone overnight He was angry that i came back he said that he put all this time and work in this home and he should get the home, I am devastated. I knew that we had problems since he has not wanted to have sex for most of the past 12 months. But I never thought he did not love me. I am so upset that i can’t find the strength to work. I will go back to work tommarow but i feel so sad inside we have been married for 20 years I don’t know what to do next, and i don’t want my famiy to know what is going on, they would turn against him and there would be no chance of reconcilation
what should i do ?

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Amiari
February 23, 2011 at 6:58 am

Well somehow I keep coming back to this site just to see how everybody is doing…It has been hard to cope with the love bomb, but what I have noticed is that when a husband tells you that he is not in love anymore is because he is having an affair. It may not be case with every husband, but for the most part it is. The times my husband dropped the love bomb was when he was having an affair and believed that that woman was far more superior than me. Now I have come to the conclusion that is not about him anymore. I do not let him control this relationship. By my actions and words I let him know that he is no longer in control of our marriage. He can drop the love bomb when ever he wants, but he knows that when he does he’s out! I am very distant from him and he feels it. Just this morining he was asking me why I am distant. I am working on me and I feel so good inside because whatever he does has no effect on me whatsoever. Yes I do love him, but I do not let my love for him control or hurt me. He knows he is still here because he is necessary for our finances. I told him that our children do not deserve to suffer for our mistakes. He knows that I have to finish my education before we can split. I really do not know what is going to happen, maybe we won’t get a divorce and things will get better, but maybe not. I am open to all options and prepared to take the worst. Everybody needs to love themselves as much as they love their husbands/wives…and to all those women/men that are hurt because their spouse has cheated on them remember: the best revenge is your success!!!!! (I should know, I’m living it right now)

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Anonymous
March 21, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I’m sorry, but I can not be here. I can not live this live

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- Amiari
  March 22, 2011 at 9:10 pm
  
  Anonymous just write your frustrations here…it will help.
  
  Reply
laura
May 15, 2011 at 10:03 am

i have been looking for help for months to ease my pain, and this site has done that. Me and my partner split after nearly 3 years. We have a 17 month old who we both adore. Nearly 3 months ago i asked him ‘you still want to move house next week don’t you? ‘ he said no. I asked why and he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I have since moved and i am heartbroken. Everyday i dwell on what could have been, cry all day, and isolate myself from the world. He has let me down with money but he comes to my home to see our son, we have sex. He stays all day, kiss and big hug bye..and thats that. There isn’t someone else, and says he’s not ready to sleep with another woman. I have tried to do and say as much as i can to make him come home and let me fix our family, but he doesn’t want to know. I know he is attracted to me still, he loves me, but he just not in love with me. I wish there was something i could do. It kills me knowing thats it. We had ups and downs, we had our faults, but i seen through it. He had been violent in the past. New man since then. If i forgave him and took him back why can’t he believe we can be happy and things can be different? He had an accident to his hand an was off work. We distanced so much, and 4 weeks later he told me that. I used that, maybe he was depressd, he still not workin 2 1/2 months on. But doesnt want me still.

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mitchie
May 17, 2011 at 9:23 am

Your stories have helped me a lot. My husband told me two nights ago that he doesn’t think that he is in love with me anymore or that he ever was in love with me. We’ve been maaried for almost 12 years. He doesn’t know what love feels and doesn’t know what to do. He said that he confused love for admiration and pride. He is so proud of me but when Im not around het doesn’t miss me. He cannot give me an indication if he wants a divorce. He will meet a psychologist this week. Hopefully he will be enlightened and find out what he wants. For the meantime I will try to be strong for my two little girls. It hurts so much but I cannot let hurt me again. I will try to focus on what I will do next and prepare for the worst. Also to let him go.

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Claudia
April 22, 2013 at 5:27 pm

amteevan@aol.com

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angelina hofmann
October 26, 2013 at 4:37 pm

My name is Angelina Hofmann, from USA ,and I’m happily married with a lovely husband and three children. I had a very big problem with my husband few months ago,to the extent that he even packed his things away from our house. He left I and and my kids for almost 5 months,and i tried all my possible best and effort to bring him back. l discussed it with a very good friend of mine,and he gave me an advice concerning a spell caster, that he is the only one that can handle my situations and problem, that he’s always ready and able to do anything related to spell casting and helping of the needy, please every one i would like you all to contact him with his email address which is as follows…. Kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.com

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Ex promised never to leave me again
January 11, 2018 at 4:39 am

My husband is back!!! I had a problem with my husband 8 months ago,which lead to us apart. When he broke up with me,I was no longer myself,I felt so empty inside .Until a friend of mine told me about one of her spells that helped her in same problem too that she found on a television program. i emailed the spell caster and I told him my problem and I did what he asked me. To cut the story short,Before I knew what was happening,not up to 48 hours,my husband gave me a call and he come back to me and told me he was sorry about what has happened, I’m so grateful to this spell caster and i will not stop publishing his name on the internet just for the good work he has done for me.If you need his help,you can email him at (dr.mack201@gmail. com)…..thank you sir great Dr.Mack for all that you do and i greatly appreciate

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