Archive for January, 2006

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January 8, 2006

Home can be where the real hurt is ….

by Rod Smith

The “outside world” can be a dangerous place for children, but an exceedingly dangerous environment for children can also be their own home. While medicine cabinets, cleaning materials and unlocked swimming pool gates pose a real threat to the safety of children, the unguarded mouth of an angry adult that can do grieveous harm to a child.

A vigilant parent might lock a medicine cabinet, yet leave her anger lying all over the house for an innocent child to stumble upon. Unresolved anger in a parent, expressed through unpredictable displays of frustration and annoyance or rage, can quite effectively ruin a happy childhood – and set the next generation “on rage”!

It is in their own homes that children might be at most in danger, for it is at home they will learn about trust, and exercise the most trust. It is at home they will learn, or fail to learn, all about love. It is at home they will make the most mistakes and receive the most correction. It is at home that children will learn about fear and hurt and rejection.

Thanks for reading “You and Me” with Rod Smith

Posted in Anger, Parenting/Children, Single parenting | Leave a Comment »

January 8, 2006

Betrayed while pregnant: Should I feel betrayed?

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Question: In the early stages of my pregnancy, I found out that my husband was accepting phone calls and gifts from an ex-girlfriend. This hurt terribly. He agreed it was not right and, although he would not be nasty to her, he agreed to cut off all contact. By chance, now months later, I overheard my husband on the phone to his ex and have now found out he never severed the contact and still has not. Am I crazy to feel betrayed?

Rod Smith’s Response: You are not crazy: you have been doubly betrayed. I amazed how often men will protect a woman they are NOT married to, while being quite comfortable with hurting a wife! Your husband would have been wise to shoo off the ex the first time she reared her destructive, seductive head.

I’d suggest face-to-face help with a mediator capable of asking your husband difficult questions. Were I contracted to assist, I’d demand a meeting with the woman, your husband and you, all in the same room. Understandably, having just delivered a child, you might not feel quite up to this.

Then, come to think of it, your husband probably would not agree to such a meeting. Men who deal in deception seldom welcome open dialogue. Besides, it might get nasty long before it gets nice!

Thanks for reading YOU AND ME with Rod Smith

see also:

difficultrelationships.blogspot.com

Posted in Marriage, Sex matters | Leave a Comment »

January 5, 2006

Seven things for teenagers to accept about their parents:

by Rod Smith

1. They know more than you know about important matters. (I concede that you probably know infinitely more than your parents about computers, the Internet and cellular phones, but they do know more about life than you do).
2. They want the very best for you even if you do not agree with them about what is the very best for you.
3. They tend to look at long-term ramifications of almost everything while it is likely that you tend to consider the here and now as if there will be no tomorrow.
4. They tend to see the big-picture for the whole family while it is likely that you think the big picture is a close-up, celebrity head-shot, of you.
5. They want a wonderful future for you more than you probably have the capacity to even imagine.
6. Their instincts about whom you date are probably more accurate than yours. If your mother or father thinks he is a loser or she is too demanding they are probably right. You’d do well to act on their advice.
7. What they want from you is very easy to deliver if you simply take the time to discover what it is they want.

Posted in Parenting/Children, Teenagers | Leave a Comment »

January 3, 2006

Child screams like you have never heard before and for everything…

by Rod Smith

My granddaughter (under 2) and her parents are staying with us. The child screams: when she doesn’t get her own way; during the night when she wakes up; at bath time; for food; for attention. When I say scream it is so loud and lasts for so long it’s unbelievable. We cannot go to a public place. My daughter says it is in the child’s nature and she can’t do anything about because “it’s her personality.” What can I do to ease this unbearable situation we find ourselves in without hurting anybody.” (Letter edited)

Tread lightly. Making comment or assessment on another’s child (even if it your grandchild) will probably result in hurt feelings, even if what you say is not hurtful. Someone is not speaking up or standing up to the child so she is wielding more power than is good for a child.

If the screaming is rewarded, it is effective and will therefore continue. Both parents have to render the screaming ineffective or it will seem to be “her personality.” I’d suggest three days of un-rewarded screaming might break the child of this awful behavior. If mom and dad do this, your daughter might not feel so victimized by the child’s behavior.

see also:

difficultrelationships.blogspot.com

Posted in Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

January 2, 2006

After years they need “space”!

by Rod Smith

Question: I have given myself completely to someone for five years who now tells me they need space. I am completely lost and don’t know what to do. This is so unfair. It is a horrible thing to do to anybody. Please help.

Response: Giving yourself “completely” to another is not a sign of love. It is an unwise idea, even in marriage, for such complete self-abdication for another can be very smothering for the victim of such love.

When one person needs space, it suggests there has been little necessary space required for any relationship to thrive. Take time to go through all of the cycles of anger, rage, and regret for, if you do not, you will visit these emotions when entering other relationships, even relationships of a non-romantic nature.

It is no wonder you feel lost: you have vacated yourself for five years only to return home to find no one is living there!

While your pain is presently extreme, you will be tempted to re-establish the relationship.

Try to see this separation as an opportunity to turn your life “right-side-up” through realigning your understanding of what makes a relationship attractive.

see also:

difficultrelationships.blogspot.com

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

January 2, 2006

It’s his manners, not your mothering!

by Rod Smith

My son (16) will not immediately send thank you cards for all the wonderful presents he received. He drags his feet and gets it done only with the threat that I am going to tell his aunts and uncles to leave him off their lists in future. What do you suggest I do?

Nothing! If your son was 13, or younger, I’d suggest you insist he obey your instructions and do whatever you expect of him. At sixteen he is certainly beyond an age where you are able to decide what kind of person he will be.

I’d suggest you stay out of what occurs between your son and his generous aunts and uncles. He is old enough to know what he ought to do, and old enough to reap whatever consequences may result from his lack of common courtesy.

Do not fall to the temptation to explain yourself (or to explain him) to his relatives. Leave it all up to him. This is a good opportunity for your son to see that it is he alone who is responsible for how he relates to others. Remember, his not sending thank you notes reflects on him and not on you. This is about his manners, not your mothering!

Posted in Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

January 2, 2006

Too close? No – too busy! Babies will change that……

by Rod Smith

“My wife and I have a degree of independence and separation that we will seldom even see each other if we don’t work at it. This is all well and good while we do not have children but I predict a huge change when we blessed with children. We are having great lives together as almost newly weds (we got married three years ago!) but our struggle is not too much of each other, as I have read is the problem many of your readers face, but too little time to be together. Any suggestions?”

Space is hard to maintain...

Space is hard to maintain...

“Too much” (overly close) and “too little” (overly independent) of each other are very similar positions that can each provoke couples to initiate modifications in their relationship. It seems you and your wife are wonderfully equipped to request what you need of each other, and then to offer what you can to the other.

Regarding children, you are correct. The arrival of an infant or two into your busy lives will radically assist you both to modify your degree of independence and separation. Children, especially infants, will demand many changes of both of their parents and they will be changes I trust you will both willingly embrace.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

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