Question: I have given myself completely to someone for five years who now tells me they need space. I am completely lost and don’t know what to do. This is so unfair. It is a horrible thing to do to anybody. Please help.

Response: Giving yourself “completely” to another is not a sign of love. It is an unwise idea, even in marriage, for such complete self-abdication for another can be very smothering for the victim of such love.

When one person needs space, it suggests there has been little necessary space required for any relationship to thrive. Take time to go through all of the cycles of anger, rage, and regret for, if you do not, you will visit these emotions when entering other relationships, even relationships of a non-romantic nature.

It is no wonder you feel lost: you have vacated yourself for five years only to return home to find no one is living there!

While your pain is presently extreme, you will be tempted to re-establish the relationship.

Try to see this separation as an opportunity to turn your life “right-side-up” through realigning your understanding of what makes a relationship attractive.

see also:

difficultrelationships.blogspot.com

“My wife and I have a degree of independence and separation that we will seldom even see each other if we don’t work at it. This is all well and good while we do not have children but I predict a huge change when we blessed with children. We are having great lives together as almost newly weds (we got married three years ago!) but our struggle is not too much of each other, as I have read is the problem many of your readers face, but too little time to be together. Any suggestions?”

“Too much” (overly close) and “too little” (overly independent) of each other are very similar positions that can each provoke couples to initiate modifications in their relationship. It seems you and your wife are wonderfully equipped to request what you need of each other, and then to offer what you can to the other.

Regarding children, you are correct. The arrival of an infant or two into your busy lives will radically assist you both to modify your degree of independence and separation. Children, especially infants, will demand many changes of both of their parents and they will be changes I trust you will both willingly embrace.