June 8, 2012

You are powerless over your daughter and her husband…..

by Rod Smith

“I need help with understanding my son-in-law. He is very controlling of my daughter. They have been married three years. I wasn’t allowed to visit them when he was home and then it was very limited to how long I could stay. They only lived 3 miles away. They have a baby. I’m allowed to see them when he is working. They have moved thirty miles away. He works shifts so I can go see them every third day. He thought I wouldn’t travel that far to see them that often but I do. His family will not go more than 25 miles from their house. Now he has decided that I see the baby more than his mom sees her. My daughter said that is her fault because she is welcome to visit. He refuses to go see any family or be around either side. He likes to see his friends. She is older than he is. He is very immature and insecure. He likes to play video games all day. He has to know everything she does, he calls 10 or so times and text her all day when he works. It is hard to visit why my daughter with all the calls and texting. She doesn’t want him to know how much I visit. What is the best way to handle him? Can I do anything that would help? He says if he sees family once a month that is more than enough for him. She had a friend that drove sixteen hours to see her and he had every excuse in the world for her not to see her. See hadn’t seen her in a year and they were best friends. She can’t seem to see he is controlling her live. What do we do?”

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Call me

You are powerless over your son-in-law and your daughter. I’d suggest you gently and repeatedly ask your daughter if her life (marriage, motherhood, relationships with you and her extended family) is how she hoped her life would be – and LISTEN to her answers. Do not judge her answers, comment on what you see, or make any suggestions. Just listen.

Your assessment is that your son-in-law is “very immature and insecure”. While this may be so, your daughter found him sufficiently appealing to go ahead and marry him. People are attracted to those who are equally mature or immature. If you “corner” your daughter about him, it is likely she will side with him and then you will lose access to your daughter and your grandchild.

Change will come only when your daughter sees how much she allows his controlling behaviors to succeed. Until then, you will dance on eggshells in much the same way as she already does – if this is what you choose to do.

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June 8, 2012

Enriched is the woman who takes UP her life……

by Rod Smith

1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.

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June 7, 2012

He’s rubbing your nose in his lies…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband had an emotional and physical affair with a woman with whom he still maintains contact. He assures me that it ended years ago and has no feelings for her. I still suffer the post-traumatic effects every time I see that she has called or texted him. I have told him how disrespectful it is that he has not cut complete ties with her; how counterproductive it is to have this third party in his life while we are still trying to heal from the pain and betrayal yet remain a couple, parent our children and rebuild our lives. I am frustrated that he values that ‘professional connection’ more than he values our marriage and family. I know I cannot control his actions or change his thinking. How can I find a way to cope with this feeling of utter disrespect and lack of compassion?”

He’s lied to you before and during the affair. He’s rubbing your nose in his lies every time he relates to the other woman, whether “it” is over or not. It might be “over” for them but it is not for you. Show up whenever and wherever you know they are together. Insist on being with him. Become impossible. Call her. Text her. Become “out of control.”

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June 7, 2012

It is anxiety that will derail your family, not something on TV……

by Rod Smith

Anxiety is the killer. It is probably not your children’s school, violence or sex on TV, or the Internet that will potentially derail your children from potential greatness. It’s family anxiety. Often chronic, often hidden or disguised, it is that cumulative cloud of reactions to unresolved conflicts, the worry upon worry, the anger toward unmet dreams and expectations, and the bank of resentment gathered from multiple life disappointments.

Yes. You can send your children to the “right” schools, monitor their organic diets, safe-guard their television intake, pre-read their literature, create intricate computer firewalls, secure coaching and extra-lessons from the finest humans available, and then nullify all your determined efforts simply because your source of “care” and concern is soaked in anxiety and propelled and driven by it.

Family Anxiety is managed, reduced, redirected, when individual family members recognize it and address it individually. It is reduced through meaningful, appropriate connection and reconnection with blood and legal relatives where possible. It is reduced through determined “differentiation of self” (increased intimacy and increased autonomy) on the part of all members of the family (although even the efforts of one will have its rewards). It is reduced when individuals “see” that love and worry are not the same thing.

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June 7, 2012

Babies make you ready for children…..

by Rod Smith

“I am in my late twenties. My wife is a few years older than I am. She feels that it is time she has children. I feel unready and unstable to have child. I know that biologically she should have children now. I worry that life could become even more tricky. I very much want to please her but I want to be true to myself. I just can’t stand to see her sad. I also have reservations about bringing children up in the modern world/city and would rather do it in a rural setting. I don’t want life to spiral out of control.” (Minimal edits)

You will never be ready if you wait. Babies make you ready for children and you can’t get ready without one. Increase your tolerance for your wife’s sadness. The presence of another person in your family will pull you both through the full spectrum of emotions and some sadness will be inevitable. Also, you are apparently forgetting that your unborn child may become a crucial key to a better world. As a parent of two adopted boys I’d have no hesitation whatsoever doing it all again. My children have blessed the world far more than it has managed to scare or damage them.

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June 6, 2012

My husband left me for my best friend

by Rod Smith

“My husband left me for my best friend. This not only devastated me but caused my children (and her husband and children) a lot of confusion. I don’t want things back how they were but I do want some peace of mind. Her husband has gone off the rails with anger and I have bordered on depression. How am I supposed to forgive two people who have been so close to me and who have done this bitter thing to people, including children, whom they profess to love?”

My response will focus on you and the double blow you have received.

You have lost two best friends and you have lost them to each other. They have together all of what you once enjoyed and you have none of it.

I do not write this to rub salt into the wound or to tell you what you do not already know – I write it so you may see that your loss is real and at least partially understood.

Your anger and depression is justified. Grieve, wail. Express it in any helpful way over the coming years.

At the same time (in sane, healthy moments) begin to rebuild your life.

It is possible to do both: grieve, build, grieve, and build – just not at the same moments.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination | Leave a Comment »

June 5, 2012

Affairs are seductive, they seduce you from what’s important

by Rod Smith

Extramarital affairs are very seductive. They appear to offer better, more intense passion than the marriage. Hide and seek will do this, spawning the kind of relationship we wished was possible with a spouse. It’s amazing how “attractive” someone can sound, look and feel when you add large amounts of adrenalin. The secrecy idealizes the other, not love or truth. Deception, the “ducking and diving” past family can give vitality to the stolen hour.

What is so ridiculously seductive (and hurts so badly when the truth comes out) is the belief that affair is about you. Actually, it is about who you are not. It about what you do not represent. You are not the wife or husband; the “routine.” Yours is not the other name on the mortgage, you are not one who owns the other car in the garage. You are not the one whom the children sound like when they are at their worst (and best). It’s not your beauty. It is not your charm (although you might be both beautiful and charming). It is the difference from, the contrast with, what your affair knows. In his or her boredom and selfishness, you become so very appealing in the heat of it all. It’s the contrast he or she “loves.” The secrecy, the chase, the conniving makes it all so surreal and convincing and such a turn on. It is not you. It is not he or she who has met you here in this rendezvous, but the secret itself, the fact that you will share this secret, that’s lighting your fire.

The seductive thing is that for a period of time one or both of you actually believe in the affair as if it is a real and enduring relationship, able to offer you each something you really want. For a time you will give so unreservedly, so wildly, and be sucked in by passion. Every meeting will feel like you were meant for each other and that it is a cruel world forcing you apart. The really sad thing is that even your children will feel, to you, as if they are in the way, obstacles to your freedom, hindrances to your finding true love. When you are with your lover the first hours will slip past feeling like heaven. The approaching absences and those times when you are apart, will begin to fill with suspicion, heaviness and demands that come with cheating. You will think your love is cheating on you (even when with his or her spouse) every time the cell-phone is off, a call is not returned or a weekend happens without you. The moment the clandestine activity began with you, the scene was set for it to occur around you and to you. He or she who cheats on a spouse will most certainly think nothing of doing the same to you.

The affair itself, born in secrecy and lies, itself begins to lie, making the participants believe they have been short-changed, deceived in marriage and that a fling can offer what’s really wanted. It is not so. Affairs seduce the participants from what is real, what is important, what is enduring and significant. If I cannot talk to my wife, talking with someone who is not my wife (or who is someone’s wife) doesn’t help anything one iota. Learning to talk with my wife is where the real action is, it is not in talking with some other lost person looking for a temporary shelter from her own storm.

Affairs are always a poor substitute for a relationship. No matter how intense, how willing each person is, inevitable pain and suffering lies ahead for each person in the seductive cycle. If this is your dilemma break it off today. Go cold turkey. See a professional. Change locks. Change phone numbers. Quit your job if you have to. Run home to your parents! Get out of it. No, you do not owe him or her an explanation or closure. Everyone you love, or thought you loved, will be better off for it.

Copyright 2002, Rod Smith, MSMFT

Posted in Affairs, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Schnarch, Sex education, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting | Leave a Comment »

June 5, 2012

Readers respond regarding being “Healthily Divorced”

by Rod Smith

Two readers respond….

“Thank-you so much for answering my question. Those are very helpful points. I think the most difficult part of divorce for me has been learning to ‘unlove’ my ex-husband. Only ONE of us changed our mind in our marriage. I made a commitment to love this man until death parted us. Perhaps it was further complicated by the fact that I had already lost one husband to death and this was my second marriage. But I am SO much healthier now, in every way. A new relationship is not my goal, but I would like that to happen ‘one day’. I feel that if I am healthy within myself, keep busy and have a full life, the right relationship will come along at some stage.”

“I believe that being “Healthily Divorced” is the ability to stand emotionally independent, yet having the ability to empathize and relate to those around you. Resentment and bitterness are probably the most hindering factors to being healthily divorced – it is perfectly possible to be divorced and respectful of the other party. Letting go of the blame and pain and striving towards an amicable solution in the face of difficult odds creates the foundation to being healthily divorced. Making another person miserable can never bring you happiness.”

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July 18, 2011

He’s married, I’m a single mother, he wants me to lie for him…….

by Rod Smith

“I have been in a relationship with a married man for two years. He left open his emails and his wife read them. He asked me to lie and I did. I didn’t want to hurt her or their children. I have tried so many times to end it. I do love him I am disgusted with myself. His wife has told him he will lose his children and house and he told me he would kill himself. So I have supported him so he has the strength to work through his marriage. I don’t know how to stop his emotional need for me to help him. We met was in a training course where he was the teacher. Before me I know of 3 other women he has slept with. What concerns me is he is an authoritative figure where I work I feel he has some major behavioral problems. I really need some advice on how to handle this man without compromising my self or my career. I am a single mother.”

Every ounce of energy you direct towards him supports your mutual pathology. You are at least as troubled and compromised as he is. Until you expose all of this at work it will continue.

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July 6, 2011

He keeps inviting me to watch movies and……

by Rod Smith

“My husband of 7 years suddenly wanted a divorce and so I moved out since the house was his when we met. Now he keeps inviting me over to watch movies and have sex. I go sometimes because I still love him but I don’t want to be used either. What do you think his intentions are? We have been separated for over a year. The divorce is not yet final. Any input would be helpful. Thanks.”

His intentions are to watch movies and to have sex. That’s it!

I regret to tell you that you are being used and will continue to be used while you comply.

The man has not grown up. He wants a sexual relationship with no commitment or responsibility and he’s found a perfect match, at least while you are cooperative, in you.

 

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