October 16, 2016
by Rod Smith
“I read about rebound relationships – please explain.”
The term is used to describe a relationship that is in reaction to a breakup or a loss where one or both parties enters a relationship before finding “closure” on the immediate-past relationship:
- Falling in love (or into a relationship) to fill a vacuum rather than because of who the new person is.
- Falling in love (or into a relationship) because the grieving or abandoned person has apparently nowhere else to go.
- Falling in love (or into a relationship) out of anger, revenge, or to prove a point, in the wake of a troubled breakup.
- Falling in love (or into a relationship) out of a sense of novelty rather than because of who the new person is.
- Experimenting with someone and dating as a sense of loss dissipates without being honest about intentions.
- Entering a relationship because being alone is too frightening or shameful to contemplate.
- Falling into a new relationship thoughtlessly and therefore showing little or no respect oneself or for the new person.
- Entering a new relationship when the past relationship has not fully ended.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Womanhood |
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July 17, 2012
by Rod Smith
Is found in our connection with others (a connection sufficiently powerful so that we are not alone) and can therefore give and receive strength to and from each other. It is yet separate enough so that we not drain each other of the adventure of being unique and distinct beings. This is one of the greatest blessings accompanying our humanity and, when it fails, it becomes the source of exceedingly powerful pain.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 14, 2012
by Rod Smith
1. You experience greater OBJECTIVITY and can “see” your most important relationships as if looking at them through someone else’s eyes.
2. Despite any pain, any trauma, any uncertainty, you can see some HUMOUR in what you are experiencing even if it is short lived.
3. You are progressively gathering a small community of friends who know everything (or almost everything) about you and their SUPPORT is becoming easier to trust.
4. You are seeing with greater and greater CLARITY what are and what are not your responsibilities within your most important relationships.
5.”No” comes easier and it is not accompanied by guilt. “Yes” is your response when you really want what you agree to. You begin to BELIEVE the words you say. Your words reflect you, your desires, and are not said from guilt or the impulse to keep the peace or make others happy.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2012
by Rod Smith
Love and control cannot co-exist in the same relationship anymore than light and dark can exist together in the same space at the same time.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Pornography, Responsive people, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 19, 2012
by Rod Smith
“You and Me” will be a little different today. You have three invitations:
1. Please send me the names of the 10 books you believe every English speaking child should read by the time he or she is 15. Please don’t refer me to website. I want your personal list of essential children’s and young adult literature. Kindly indicate “m” of “f” if necessary. Skip Potter, “Vampire” books, and anything with Chicken Soup in the title.
2. I received this yesterday from Kayise Maphalala, producer of Three Talk, SABC Television. If interested please contact Kayise at kayisem@urbanbrew.co.za:
“Three Talk is doing a show on forgiveness and one of the areas we would like to also look at is forgiveness in relationships. Would you be so kind as to recommend a couple who has gone through a difficult patch to come in and talk about the importance of forgiveness. This is for a show next to be aired on Tuesday, 26th June 2012.”
3. I have “pushed” Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch) and Failure of Nerve (Edwin Friedman) for years as the best books on (respectively) relationships and leadership. What books am a missing on these two topics? Please send me your suggestions. It is summer in the USA. I have vast amounts of time (I am on three months leave) for reading.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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July 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 23, 2011
by Rod Smith
“A friend brought your column to my notice this morning. I cannot believe it! It’s like you were reading my mind! I’m trapped in my marriage of 27 years. My husband and I hardly communicate as he disagrees with everything I say. I have now chosen to communicate as little as possible in order for us not to get into an argument. I too walk on eggshells of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything around the home has to be done his way. My suggestions just fall by the wayside. He has not been able to contribute financially for years so maybe this is his way of retaining his ‘head of the family’ role. I think I’ve written to you ten years ago and nothing has changed since. Maybe I need to change. I’ve been unhappy for so long that I may never have a normal relationship again.”
Ten years is a small price to pay to learn that you are the one who might need to do some changing – many people never discover this. If your husband is unable to manage his own happiness, why on earth would you think he can take care of yours?
Gather trusted women.
Carefully (slowly) hatch a plan.
Implement it.
Take back your future.
[If you want something better in the future than you have had in the past it won’t just happen to you. You must engage in the planning, you have to do something different in the present, if you want the future to look different from the present and the past.]
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Grace, Love, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Four things to chat about over tea
Parents please teach your daughters:
1. You never have to shrink, soft-pedal, or sell yourself short, in order to secure a loving, lasting relationship. Any potential partner that is threatened by the power of your personality or the breadth of your talent is not worth your time or investment. Move on.
2. You do not have to give up your dreams, talents, desires, and skills in exchange for a loving relationship. The potential partner who is man enough to love you will amplify your dreams, talents, and skills. He will do nothing at all to try and silence you. This is to be especially noted in religious circles – flee communities that silence women.
3. You do not have to hide your imperfections or pretend they do not exist. The person who is man enough to respect and love you will not expect you to be perfect and will seldom notice your shortcomings. A loving man will regard your imperfections as assets.
4. You will benefit from having Zero Tolerance for people with less than perfect manners. If a potential partner swears at people, if he’s short-tempered, if he’s unkind to strangers – move on. There are myriads of men who are pure-mouthed, patient, and kind. Why would you spend a minute longer with one who is not?
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I’m in love with a man out of my caste. If my family finds out I will be disowned. He loves me and I do the same. His family doesn’t want him to be with me either. He’s going through a separation with his wife. They have twin girls who are 2 and boy who is 8. His wife still loves him tremendously but he has no love for her and has clearly told her. I feel so guilty that I’m the cause of everything but he won’t let me go. He says I’m the reason for his living and that his marriage was long over before I came into the picture. We are planning on marriage. I have a 5 year-old son who will have to leave along with my entire family. My fear is if I’m making a right future path for my self and my boyfriend. I desperately need advice.”
This is a disaster waiting to happen
A man who can abandon a wife and three children will do the same, and worse, to you and your son. This “relationship” could only work if you immediately sever all ties while he gets divorced, pays child support, and is a cordial ex-husband for 5 years at least – before he BEGINS a caring, mutual relationship with you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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